6 replies to this topic

[sanada_yukimora]

I'm not super sure if this belongs here or not, but it's the closest I've seen so far to what I need as far as threads go. I just wanted you guys (and girls) to rate an Oblivion Shortstory I'm making. Please note it actually began as a Roleplay intro. And also note that I know it's not great so far, it's just a rough draft; it's based on the life of a young member of the Palace Guard, the youngest in recent history...who is soon to be thrown into a plot that will tear apart everything he has ever known and loved. Later in the story will be a romance with a friend he had growing up (a Dunmer), Betrayals, more plot-twists and perhaps a quest to find some mythical item...I'm not 100% on what all I'll do with it. But hey, I'm up for ideas!! One to ten, guys! Constructive criticism is appriecated! Tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. I'll go in and clean it up some next time I update it. My reviews here will decide if I continue the story or if I let it drop. Thanks in advance all!


Let me add that if you copy the entire story into Wordpad and use Word Wrap, it's not so horrible looking and it's a lot easier to read. Don't know why it uploaded into those big long strings like that...

Oh, and don't reproduce or use any parts of the story without my permission...even though I'll almost definately say yes anyways. Just ask beforehand! I've had someone actually go in and take a Final Fantasy VII shortstory I made, steal it, and get it published in a magazine once...needless to say, that was both infuriating and pleasing at the same time. But if you do use the story, GIVE CREDIT.

Attached Files

•  Oblivion_Shortstory.txt   14.5KB   23 downloads

[Sovietlukmanov]

Ok, aside from a few spelling errors (which isn't really a big deal) you have a good introduction to your story (which I assume isn't finished) and used a detailed description to help the reader imagine the situation. I'd suggest you continue the story

[sanada_yukimora]

The story isn't finished by a long shot. This is pretty much just the beginning, a prologue to get the readers familiar with the storyline and the main characters. Like I say, when I write a story, my goal is for everyone who reads it to be able to picture the scene perfectly in their minds. I want them to hear the swords clashing, the grunts of pain, see the moon rising over the walls of the Imperial City and the loon crying from somewhere off in the swamp. Thanks for the good review =D

And please all, if you do notice mistakes? Post them here on the thread so I can fix them without having to re-read the entire story. I've already done so about five times, and I do it whenever I'm picking up where I left off. It'd save me a lot of time and grief. Thanks!

And...hopefully, finally...if you do read it, please leave feedback. Don't just read it and leave. Let me know what you think; feedback is important to me because I'm trying to judge my skills as a writer. I've gotta know how other people like the stories I make or I'm wasting my time.

[Malchik]

Can you email it to me garethhp@yahoo.co.uk. I will read and comment (I am a writer, though mainly of plays). I find it difficult to read it in the format currently displayed. My only initial comment is be careful of the person you are using. It seems to start 'he' and move to 'you'. Either is fine but be consistent.

[Sovietlukmanov]

Well, maybe some of you have discovered, but for those of you who didn't know just yet, you can open the text in it's format, copy it, and open it in a word editor software (I used Microsoft Word) and it's format (length and width) should be corrected just right (haven't tested with any other word editor though, still worth the try...

[sanada_yukimora]

~Sighs~ If people would read the posts from after the message, I said it'd be much, much easier to read if you used the copy function on the entire story and threw it into Wordpad or Notepad or something, then use Wordwrap. I can't read it like it is either, the huge long strings and all that.

And I only really use 'You' when someone else is referring to the character. It's in third person, so I try to make it out so you are like a bystander instead of the main character; you're experiencing it with him. I use 'You' if an outside character is speaking to the character my story follows. Like 'Valenius, you're a good kid.' He's not saying YOU, like me and 'you', but 'your'...I dunno. It's how I've always wrote and I never really got points taken off when I was in school. o.o;;

[sanada_yukimora]

...dead thread.