(3 in the morning out on some dimly lighted street in some distant little town known only as Diamon City)
Merry man: My laaa veh (hick) I lov u SOoo ooo. (hick)
My laAAveh (hick) ligh li te a can candle n te win doe te hel help ma me fin eh ma my waa way ha om home. (hick)
An officer of the law: Come with me!
Merry man: I'n mot dun urk, ma my mine de ist jus lub ree kated.
Officer of the law: You're drunk.
Merry man: I jus te wa waa want te go ho om. I swa swar swear! I'n mot dun irk.
Officer of the law: If you feel like swearing; tell it to the judge.
A day in court. The prosecution is trying a case, against a local merry man singing drunkenly and brought in for disturbing the peace at 3 in the morning.
Bailiff: Place your left hand on the book, raise your right hand, and repeat after me. ( Court Bailiff lines ). You do solemnly state that the testimony you may give in the case now pending before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God.
Merry man: I do. Thas wa wha te I sai de ta te to ma ma my ba bre bride a te our we eh weh wedding.
Prosecutor: Your honor if the court will allow I would like to approach the bench to discuss this case, 'Wine verses Song'".
Judge: Approach! (after several seconds of incoherent chatting, because the buzz in my ears is so loud I can't hear them the prosecutor looks at the defendant. You.)
Prosecutor: On the day in question did you have more then one shot of whisky, one shot of whiskey, one glass of wine, a sip of Moon shine or hooch?
Merry man: Whisky? Di u dis sta sutte r?
(Your lawyer waves their hands at you from under the table where he or she is sitting. Then mouths the words very clearly. Just say 'NO'. and then giggles.)
Merry man: Wa wha te?
Prosecutor: Do you have anything to say for your self in your own defense in this case? (Waits. Notices you're staring at something somewhere and you aren't paying him any attention. Looks where you are looking. Turns to face you. Breathes into your face. His breath loaded with the smell of a recent shot of good Whisky almost knocks you out.)
While everyone in the court room holds their breath you continue to look at your lawyer for a whole minute. Then it finally hits you what your lawyers lips moving in that contorted blurry motion mean. Your eyes light up. Everyone in the court breaths a sigh of relief from holding their breath so long.
You look up confident that you know what to say. Looking at the prosecutor you wait.
Prosecutor: Do you...
Merry man: (gets a big bubbly smile on your face and blurts out) 'No!'
Prosecutor: No what?
No ist wat ma my law yar sad ta say.
(laughter breaks out in the court)
Judge: (mallet pounding on the pad) Order in the Court.
Merry man: (Speaking with perfect diction) I'd like a roast beef sandwich and shot of Bayley's Best. Please!
Prosecutor: (not knowing for sure then that the defendant is because of his recent perfect diction) Are you drunk now?!
Merry man: (slips back into his drunken state of mind) I'n mot dun urk, ma my mine de ist jus te.. Ah! Lub ree kated.