SahVulon Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Direct copies from Bethesda Forums Editor Sah: “Welcome beloved readers to this year’s 2018 Bethesda Holiday Special Edition Edition, it is our commitment to you the reader that we will bring you the latest & most ground-breaking news as we make it up. This year we will be using state of the art technology to bring you the TRUTH & NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH using an Anti-stress Squishy Squeeze Stretchy Skiver Animal Toy … correction using the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Toy, batteries are not included for Safety reasons and regulations and other mambo jumbo legal stuff, so the zappy part does not work and it will not hurt our Reporter Sah who has volunteered to test it out” Editor Sah: “our Reporter Sah who better win The Pulitzer Prize (pÊlɪtsÉr) award for achievements in newspaper and online journalism has volunteered to test out & get calibrated with the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Toy, and especially for you beloved readers we have pulled all the strings and called in our resident expert in these sort of things, part time Lie Detector Expert & first day on the job Institute Scientist Rodrick (and YES It dose helps if you have a son called Shaun, also known as Father, and is the leader of the Institute)” [institute Scientist Rodrick starts plugging in Reporter Sah to the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Toy witch the batteries are not included for safety reasons] Institute Scientist Rodrick: “Now this next part is especially delicate, so if you can please look straight into the light...” Reporter Sah: “LISTEN! … What part of I did NOT volunteer don’t you get, it’s a set up? … Hey is everything supposed to be purple?” Institute Scientist Rodrick: “Hmm? Oh that's just a calibration error... how about now?” [suddenly there is a big discharge of electricity from the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Toy witch the box says batteries not included for safety reasons] Reporter Sah: “ouch that hurt?” TRUE Institute Scientist Rodrick: “hmm it looks like its working” TRUE [suddenly there is second big discharge of electricity from the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Toy] Reporter Sah: “OUCH … that hurt again?” TRUE Institute Scientist Rodrick: “this is not a calibration error... someone must have secretly put the batteries into the Lie Detector & it wasn’t me” TRUE Editor Sah: “As Editor of the Skyrim Morning Herald I am responsible for the safety of all my reporters, it’s out of the question as Editor of the SMH paper that I would take part in doing such a thing” FALSE Editor Sah: “OK … it was a prank and I did it for fun because I was bored” FALSE Editor Sah: “its pay back for Reporter Sah not winning The Pulitzer Prize (pÊlɪtsÉr) award for achievements in newspaper and online journalism” TRUE Institute Scientist Rodrick: “can we get on with this I have very IMPORTANT scientific stuff & things to do back at the Institute” FALSE Institute Scientist Rodrick: “uhmm what the? … OK will be going out with other Institute Scientist and dear friends for dinner” FALSE Institute Scientist: “is going to spend the night drinking and crying about my miserable life living underground … “ TRUE Reporter Sah: “should it be doing that? Like its TRUE/FALSE & answering everyone?” ERROR Institute Scientist Rodrick: “Now I get it, so sorry it’s my first day on the job and I have plugged all of us into the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Fun Creative Toy witch the box says batteries not included for safety reasons” TRUE, TRUE & TRUE Editor Sah: “did you notice that if you ask a question it says Error?” ERROR Reporter Sah: “what’s the speed of the Spanish Sparrow?” ERROR Editor Sah: “What? ... Is it supposed to say ERROR all the time? …. What happens after to many ERRORS?” ERROR & ERROR Reporter Sah: “In 2019 will I win the Pulitzer Prize (pÊlɪtsÉr) award for achievements in newspaper and online journalism?” ERROR, ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR & ERROR ….. SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED Institute Scientist Rodrick: “what in the name of the Father have you done? We are powering the Micro Electric Shock Finger Lie Detector Game & Party Fun Creative Toy witch the box says batteries not included .….. We are powering it with a NUKE from Fallout 76!” FALLOUT 76!!!!!! ..... ERROR, ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR, ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ….ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR & ERROR [suddenly a voice from the Lie Detector] This Lie Detector will self-destruct in five seconds. TRUE 5 4 3 2 1 PIFF! (The PIFF sound affect will be fixed in the next Bethesda patch) FALSE Our paper would like to wish you a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year TRUE & TRUE SKYRIM THREAD NEWS Reporter Sah: “hello beloved readers welcome to yet another Bethesda Holiday Special Edition Edition, it’s just another day as normal in Skyrim and in the far distance the echo of the words “RUN! ….Why is everything faster than me? ….Oh no I'm going to die ….Aww ð© RIP again” echo as yet another beginner bights the dust & learns the hard way, this year our paper will be more Bethesda themed compared to your usual Skyrim Report, this year we will be looking at all the new Bethesda games and giving you our professional reviews” Reporter Sah: “this year’s top Bethesda threads per category are …………. drum roll" SKYRIM GENERAL PAGES is the Show us your screen shot Thread with 1.3m ViewsSKYRIM MODS GENERAL & REQUESTS is the “Show and Tell” thread by Lycan SKYRIM SUPPORT PC is the thread called “CTD help pleasessssss” by some unknown with 3 Views ARTS & FAN FICTION is the Dead is Dead competition “Adella’s Way” that has absolutely nothing to do with role playing by Rick/Adella with 549.9k ViewsReporter Sah: “we could not find a drum so we had to use a synthesizer our paper apologies for any inconvenience … here have 500 Atoms on us”...... READ MORE POTATOES, CABBAGES & LEEK SYNDROME Reporter Sah: “After conquering Alduin, you rushed off to wed your true love but the at the last moment you got cold feet and ran away, Now you mourn alone, in some dark Tomb, with no one to hear your cries of torment, Dragonborns all across Skyrim are choosing isolation in some dark & dangerous tome or cave than rather be heartbroken from being rejected by the one they love because they won’t give up there Dragonborn ways” Reporter Sah: “If this sounds familiar then you too might be suffering from the Potatoes, Cabbages & Leek Syndrome & you’re not ready for a long term relationship or commitment & you’re not ready to give up all the adventuring and killing stuff and settle down and grow potatoes, cabbages & leek all day, happily married with your spouse and sitting on the back veranda having some cold mead watching all Dragons fly by reminding you of the good old days” Reporter Sah: “yes there are of course the advantages of being married like a homemade meal & a clean armor and undies every week & don’t forget about the hanky panky …. And don’t forget all the cash they make for you” Reporter Sah: “but there is nothing that compares to adventuring alone in the wilderness where everything wants to kill you, you hungry all the time and you might have contracted a disease or two, your overcumbered and you got no potions left, a big nasty dragon wants to eat you for dinner and your body odder is the best defense you got against wolves & bears” Reporter Sah: “Don’t let the Potatoes, Cabbages & Leek Syndrome get you down and seek medical help right away, don’t let a homemade meal & a clean armor and undies every week & all the hanky panky and don’t forget all the cash….uhmm ?” Reporter Sah: “ahh what the heck just get married and sneak out when there not watching everyone else does it, it’s much better than you mourning alone, in some dark Tomb, with no one to hear your cries of torment “ ………READ MORE BETHESDA PATCH & UPDATES UPDATE Reporter Sah: “hello beloved readers this week we are looking into conspiracy theory’s revolving around Bethesda’s patch fetish, thousands of gamers from across the world feel the pain every time Bethesda releases a new patch and are complaining about how its wrecked there modded game ext. today we will be talking to some conspiracy theory experts about the Bethesda Patch Conspiracy Theory” Conspiracy theorist #1: “the patches contain nothing …. uhhmmm that’s about it” Conspiracy theorist #2: “Bethesda has a secret lab in AREA 51 where they are experimenting on patches using alien technology from the Roswell Space Ship, how do you think they got all the ideas for Spacethingie?” Conspiracy theorist #3: “there is a giant underground laboratory where Bethesda has built this giant particle collider machine, the idea is to get two patches to collide with each other at the speed of light and open a doorway to a Parallel Patch Dimension, if this ever happens it will cause an paradox of patches & an unlimited amount of patch’s and downloads until all your HDD & SSD and all your hard drives are full” Reporter Sah: “there is off course the other side of the story & the extent Bethesda is going to fix bugs and issues using patches” Reporter Sah: "Mannequin Factory's have been closing down across Skyrim at an alarming rate as the local population simply refuses to buy them because they move around too much! We are standing outside the last mannequin factory left in Skyrim and we are talking to the owner and Mannequin CEO Mr Manne Quin" CEO Mr Manne Quin: "it’s not our fault Skyrim customers can’t read instructions, we do provide a BIG NAIL for the base of the mannequin stand but no one uses it!" Reporter Sah: "ahh so that’s what the NAIL is for?" CEO Mr Manne Quin: “we are working with Bethesda to have the Big Nail included as part of their next patch, if there is one thing Bethesda knows how to do is make a patch, we will get you your Big Nail to you, and you can shove it up the base of your mannequin and we promise it will never move again” [That very moment outside the Factory, a Cheech Marin lookalike Mannequin Sales Man is Shouting] Mannequins, mannequins, mannequins! Come on in Mannequin lovers! Here at the Mannequins Twister we’re slashing mannequins in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of mannequins! This is a mannequin’s blow out! Alright, we got white mannequins, black mannequins, Spanish mannequins, yellow mannequins. We got hot mannequins, cold mannequins. We got wet mannequins. We got smelly mannequins. We got hairy mannequins, bloody mannequins. We got snapping mannequins. We got silk mannequins, velvet mannequins. We even got horse mannequins, dog mannequins, and chicken mannequins. C'mon, you want mannequins, come on in Mannequins Lovers! If we don’t got it, you don't want it! Come on in Mannequins lovers! Free patch with nail included Reporter Sah: “in other related news, Bethesda has revealed that they are finally going to fix the falling cow out of the sky bug by including parachute’s in there next patch/update, we will bring you more news as we make it up” ………READ MORE [sUDDENLY] Courier: "I've been looking for you again, got something I'm supposed to deliver - your hands only." Reporter Sah: "it’s about time" Looks at the label on the BIG box ð from Amazon.Skyrim FRAGILE - HANDLE WITH CARE Opens the BIG box Inside is another BIG box that is shaped like a pony Looks the label on the box ð that is shaped like a pony LIVE CHRISTMAS PONY.... FRAGILE - HANDLE WITH CARE Reporter Sah: "its Christmas, don't judge me!" THE ELDER SCROLLS VI NEWS Reporter Sah: “Not much was revealed by Bethesda about the Elder Scrolls VI in this year’s E3 presentation by Todd Howard and all we got was a very small video that raised more questions than it answered, the big question on every ones lips is where in Tamriel will it take place?” Reporter Sah: “ our paper after examining the small trailer and subjecting it to all sorts of gamma ray tests, has come to the conclusion and is the first in the world to say with 100% confidence & reveal that the Elder Scrolls VI will take place in one of the below locations” Valenwood is a south-western province of Tamriel, west of Elsweyr, south-west of Cyrodiil and east of the Abecean Sea. Home to the Wood Elves or Bosmer. Elsweyr is a region of Tamriel bordered by Valenwood on the west, Cyrodiil to the north and east and Argonia to the east. It’s the home of the feline race of Elder Scrolls, the Khajiit. High Rock bordering Hammerfell and Skyrim, you’ll mainly find Bretons of the Tamrielic Empire here. It’s a land of powerful mages where children are tested early for magical potential. Hammerfell is a vast province to the west of Tamriel. The region is bordered by High Rock to the north, Skyrim to the north-east and Cyrodiil to the east and south-east. The Redguards call Hammerfell their home The Black Marsh, known also as Argonia. It’s bordered by Morrowind to the north, Cyrodiil to the west and protected by both the Topal Sea and the Padomaic Ocean. Its ruled by the King of Argonia and an Argonian Royal court. Akavir or the “Dragon Land” is one of the only areas in this list that’s outside of Tamriel and is the homeland of the Akaviri. Atmora, also known as Elder Wood, is a frozen continent way to the north of Tamriel, across the Sea of Ghosts. The Summerset Isles, also known as Alinor, is an archipelago consisting of three major islands: Summerset, Auridon and Artaeum. It’s home to the Altmer or High Elves/Western Elves. Reporter Sah: “now that we know the location its very easy to get a general idea of what kind of background story it will have, we will bring you more Elder Scrolls VI news as we make it up”......READ MORE THE ELDER SCROLLS THE BLADES NEWS Reporter Sah: “The Elder Scrolls: Blades is an action role-playing game played from a first-person perspective. The game is designed specifically for mobile devices and features touch-screen combat that involves a lot of tapping and a lot of swiping and chucking your phone in anger when you RIP” Reporter Sah: “The latest mobile phone models where released today by retailers all across Skyrim & all phones where sold out in a matter of hours” Reporter Sah: “this latest mobile craze has had its effect on the NPC population of Skyrim who now just walk around all over the place not watching where they are going and bumping into stuff because they are playing or Bladeing as it is now called on their phones” Reporter Sah: “Walking is super good for you, unless you happen to be walking and Bladeing. In which case you’re putting yourself at serious risk: According to the National Skyrim Highway Traffic Safety Administration, NPC deaths already numbered 5,376 from NPC walking of cliffs, walking into wolf dens or Giants camps or stepping on giant mud crabs ext ext.” Reporter Sah: “Jarls today had to take drastic measures for NPC that ride/drive and are Bladeing at the same time. Violation of the law is a misdemeanour, punishable by a fine of 2500 gold coins for a first offense, 5000 for a second offense, and public execution & permanent suspension of horse driving license for a third offense” Reporter Sah: “this one was willing to give Bladeing a go to see what all the fuss is about and to see if you can do Bladeing & take a selfie at the same time, below is what happened when she came across the Three Thugs “we are here to teach you a lesson”” They attacked this one outside Falkreath the first Thug had a Samsung Galaxy Note 9 N960FD Dual sim 6GB witch was enchanted, the second Thug came at this one with a Refurbished Apple iPhone 6 16GB and was flanked on the side by the other Thug who had a Samsung Galaxy Tab A 7.0-inch 8GB Wi-Fi this was a battle this one could not win because this one was using her crappy Alcatel Pixi prepaid mobile phone, so she decided to run and live to phone another day” Reporter Sah: “in Next Week Issue the Three Thugs, the Roaming Skyrim Education System”.......READ MORE FALLOUT 76 NEWS Reporter Sah: “Welcome to Appalachia a representation of West Virginia. You will see places like the West Virginia State Capitol, The Greenbrier, Woodburn Circle, New River Gorge Bridge, and Camden Park but one thing you won’t see is any NPC’S” Reporter Sah: “Twenty-five years after the Great War, Vault 76 is opened up and its residents given the task of repopulating the wasteland. You are given a secret mandate to secure an arsenal of nuclear weapons deployed throughout Appalachia” Reporter Sah: “despite the many failings of fallout 76 witch our paper will cover in another issue, one question remains; why where all the NPC’S sacked and where did they all go?” Reporter Sah: “today we have with us the CEO of the Fallout NPC Association Mr En Peesee” CEO Mr En Peesee: “this is a tragic turn of events especially at this time of the year, we did our best in Fallout 4 and everyone was happy, but suddenly out of the blue Bethesda comes out and sacks the lot of us just before the launch of Fallout 76 & Christmas” Reporter Sah: “please tell me they did pay Annual Leave & Holiday Pay?” CEO Mr En Peesee: “we have employed the services of Migliaccio & Rathod LLP who is currently investigating Bethesda for many other reasons, we are hoping to get the attention of you know who or Ebenezer Scrooge as we call him now.” Reporter Sah: “this one recons the Ghost of Christmas Past should go teach him a lesson or we can send the Tree Thugs … just think about that little Fallout 76 Tiny Tim NPC who has no turkey or a job this year” CEO Mr En Peesee: “Fallout 76 Tiny Tim went on to pressure a life of crime as a Shuttle Thief in Bethesda’s new game called Starthingie or Starfileds” Reporter Sah “beloved reader if you find this story disturbing then you can have your say by protesting and dropping a NUKE, if we can get three NUKES at the same time then Ebenezer Scrooges servers come down!” ......READ MORE STARTHINGIE NEWS Reporter Sah: “The one thing we know for sure about Bethesda’s new space game called Starthingie is that it will take place in space, if you watch the trailer below you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that part out” Reporter Sah: “the big question on every one’s mind is what happens after the end of the clip? It shows the sun cresting the atmosphere of a desert planet, and it shows a space station. A few moments later a cosmic tear opens up behind the station and appears to gobble it up in a really cool & colorful warp effect, BUT what happens next?” Reporter Sah: “but you’re in luck beloved readers because we have managed to obtain leaked information right from inside Bethesda, that shows what happens next & how Starthingie unfolds” [on a small space shuttle] Han Ralof: "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the Nebula, right? Teleported right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that shuttle thief over there." Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "Damn you Rebels. Starthingie was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that shuttle and been halfway to Pluto. You there... You and me, we shouldn't be here. It's these Rebels the Empire wants." Han Ralof: "We're all brothers and sisters in energy cuffs now, shuttle thief." Imperial Piolet: "Shut up back there!" Han Ralof: “did any one see a Wookiee?" Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "And what's wrong with him, huh?" Han Ralof: "Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Todd Skywalker, the true High King of Planet Beth" Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "Todd Skywalker? The King of Planet Beth? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?" Han Ralof: "I don't know where we're going, but a death ray awaits" Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening." Han Ralof: "Hey, what planet are you from, shuttle thief?" Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "Why do you care?" Han Ralof: "A Human's last thoughts should be of home." Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "London. I'm... I'm from London." [Voice on the shuttle intercom] Shuttle Intercom Voice: "Darth Sony, sir! The Death Ray is waiting!" Darth Sony: "Good. Let's get this over with, we must wipe out these mod sympathizers once and for all" Shuttle Thief Tiny Tim: "Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me I’m really an orphan from Skyrim who ran away got a job as Tiny Tim in Fallout 76" Han Ralof: "Look at him, Darth Sony, the Military Governor of Planet PS4. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn Elves. I bet they had something to do with this. This is the Death Star. I used to be sweet on a holographic girl from here. Wonder if they are still making that mead with synthetic juniper berries mixed in. Funny, when I was a boy, Imperial Star Destroyers and Death Star space stations used to make me feel so safe" [On a nearby shuttle] R2-D2: "Beeppp Bopp Beep …..Who are they? Where are they going?” C-3PO: "You need to go inside, annoying little droid." R2-D2: "Beeppp Bipp Beep booooo…. I have top secret stolen Elder Scrolls 6 plans” C-3PO: "Inside the shuttle. Now" R2-D2: "Bipp poop poofff…….Yes, papa!" C-3PO: "Don’t be smart….. What top secret stolen Elder Scrolls 6 plans?" SKYRIM TV ON DEMAND Pimp My Engine takes peoples challenged game engines and turns his/her bucket into a pimped out masterpiece, On this weeks episode Todd's Creation Engine gets a make over and upgrade! Dooms Day Preppers The Falmer do they know something we don't? The Falmer wants a Wife Season 2 will Rodrick the Falmer find true love or eat all the beautiful brides to be Big Brother Bethesda Season 7 members are locked in a Forum with no contact with the outside world & are watched by Moderators. Sah's Secret ENTERTAINMENT Arrow in the Knee Day, Wednesday 26th of December 2018A special 2 page lift out with the Who is Who of Skyrim,Interviews with Jarls, Thanes & HousecladsThe guards parade with representatives for the first time ever from all the City’s & Holds.Latest Fashion from around Skyrim: Armors & helmets from SolstheimThe Arena: The best of Skyrim battle it out.Competition: Bribe a Guard…….1st prize; a free kill in any CitySpecial guest: All the way from Morthal; Bard Lurburk, a good time to use that 1st prize. SPORTSBasketball SBA Semi-Final Playoffs Riekling Warriors Vs Giants 12-376 Giants leading 2-0 best of 5 Thalmor Wizards Vs The Blades: game was stopped in the first minuet of the play after violent episodes erupted between the players of both teams. After 2 games the series remains 0-0 Reporter Sah.thank you for reading the Skyrim Morning Herald - Bethesda Holiday Special Edition EditionLove Sah TRUE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SahVulon Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 (edited) Skyrim Morning HeraldNew Year's Countdown Edition Reporter Sah: "Do you feel let down that you only get a crappy 10 second countdown for New Years?, never fear beloved readers because this year our paper will COUNTDOWN a full day ... YES all 86400 seconds. Join us in a 86400sec countdown marathon as we will keep you updated with 86400 posts of what happens second by second bringing you all the suspense, excitement, drama & anticipation as we countdown to the new year" HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVERYONE Edited December 30, 2018 by SahVulon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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