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...refuel their spaceship. Fearing a possible return of Leonidas and his band of merry undead Spartans, Captain James kicked himself for leaving his precious bag of salt aboard the "Crispy Chicken"(He also kicked himself for allowing a 6-year old child to name his ship). Although salt does have its uses against the undead, James actually needed it to enhance...

...he noticed it was only a straw-covered (but made of hypersteel) doll. Feeling great shame for committing such a foolish act and throbbing pain in his left foot, Chuck redoubled his training. As Mr Miyagi said afterwards: "Mistake can make wisdom. Learn from pain in foot, Chuckie-san. Now paint fence and wax floor!" Chuck sighed with resignation as the old man shuffled off to play Mahjong. Selecting the brush tool and rgb setting of 245-120-150 as his colour, he began painting...

...the tirelessly working Plot Fairy returned the world to it's pre chlorine-eating alien invasion state. To prevent any more such incursions upon her favourite planet she placed several hundred anti-spacecraft Turbocannon Batteries around the globe. Meanwhile, Chuckie-san continued with the Cowbell-Fu training. After countless hours spent hitting the bell with a stick, he gained complete enlightenment and saw...

... by a spawn-camping sniper. (I hate spawn campers. Don't you? Lousy buggers take all the fun out of- ahem...) Before he could acquire another meaningless kill-point by offing Cthulhu (yes, the stupid jerk also cheats with instant kill bullets) the Plot Fairy pulled the plug on the PS3 and berated Billy for neglecting his homework. Sulking for a bit, the boy did as he was told. Rather than accepting their universe being reduced to nothingness and themselves sent into Oblivion (the game?) Chuck Norris and Mr. Miyagi pulled a Star Ocean 3 and popped out into what was perceived as reality. The others were not fast enough and instead bid their time of glory as data packets deep inside the hardrive of the console. Heaving a sigh of relief at having saved the sanity of readers everywhere... and the universe once again, the Plot Fairy poofed out of the story. Not knowing when his fighting skills would be needed to save/enslave the world, Chuck asked Mr. Miyagi (Chuckie-san... heh heh) to train him in the way of...

...holding a drinking contest. Before he became famous for being the pioneer of bringing martial arts onto the big screen, Bruce was the Mountain Dew drinking Champion in his small village... tucked away in some remote mountains in China. As a young lad Bruce would spend his days chasing small animals and consuming copious amounts of the Dew. It is this wondrous concotion which was his real secret. One day... Chtazg'ad Mrtullh'jji'irs'uoaksali¿ Fearing that a dimensional shift might be caused by Lee's unbidden reminiscence of his youth, the Cthulu unleashed his greatest power: the ability to speak complete nonsense while making perfect sense. This of course had the unfortunate side-effect of turning all within vicinity into gibbering fools (The Chtulu always did have trouble making friends). Driven into depression once again it decided to binge on...

...a coherent plot appeared. This of course, started a chain reaction of inter-spacial time implosions in multiple sectors of the Universal Time Spectrum that threatened to unbind the very fabric of existence itself........................ <sigh> Fine, let's call it time travel. And so the magical plot fairy travelled through time and space righting all sorts of wrongs, and wronging rights (when required and not punishable by law). Just for kicks, the temporal traveller added 1440 years to the timeline if only to see what the future held for the descendants of the previously featured cast. Nodding in approval of a job well done, she once again departed to whence she came. Meanwhile, in New Jersey...

...they wrote a book about it. Being technically undead, ChuckIndy's writing was none too coherent, nor was it interesting. Even so, like many bad authors before them, they sold thousands of copies. The secret of their autobiography'success of course, was the edgy title:...

...pacify the mob with a circus act. Chuck juggled some conveniently placed explosive-filled barrels (god mode or not, it's Chuck Norris.), while Indiana Jones demonstrated his amazing skills with the whip by carving little figures of Daedric Princes out of apples. Last but not least, Mr Rogers astounded everyone with his ability to look good in a snazzy sweater. The sketchy plan worked as planned and the crowd slowly dispersed after the splendid performance. Heaving a sigh of relief, Chuck looked at the others and said...

...the estranged brothers had a touching reunion. They swapped stories of their action-packed adventures/lives well into the night. While Chuck regaled the others with yet another tale of fisticuffs and explosive gunplay, there was a knock on the door. Puzzled by its very existence seeing as they were out in a field of grass, the eldest brother(who earlier revealed at last that his name was Jerry) opened the door and was surprised to see...

City Swimmer got herself killed on at least two occasions while I was visiting Bravil with different characters. Seems like she can't resist pickpocketing beggars (doesn't this break one of the main rules of the thieves guild?) to get bread. This is of course met with swift Oblivion-style justice aka the guards whip out their longswords and butcher the hapless thief. Next time you see her, just stick around for a bit and enjoy the show. On topic: Maiq the Liar rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's the things he says or that he runs at a high enough speed to suggest he's wearing the Boots of Blinding Speed. Once in a while, after hearing about the silliness of crossbows for the sixteenth time, I like to give him just a little running start... Then I open the console and type "kill". Being essential, he is unharmed, but the way he falls over never fails to amuse.

... on the television set that accompanied his fall from the heavens(It's Chuck Norris's TV: built to last through a war or two). Chuck found this interesting and sat down to watch, action being his thing and all. Meanwhile...

... cheese and forks. Taking shelter, the survivors thought they heard a hearty laugh between peals of thunder. It had to be the work of none other than...

...do the very same thing. And so the two forces faced one another nervously, neither side willing to take casualties (Garth didn't want his Shiny Thingy That Unmakes Life to get its expensive custom paint job ruined) and for the time being formed a...

Oh, I second that. I was absolutely terrified of approaching one when I saw it floating about for the first time ever. It was only after saving that I had enough guts to try attacking it. I was playing an Argonian character at the time and had no idea that Bull Netches only use poison attacks... Needless to say, I felt a bit silly when I became overconfident and got soundly destroyed by a Betty. As far as scariest creatures, the trophy would definitely go to the Dreugh. There's nothing more frightening than going for a swim only to come face-to-face with a crab-squid-human hybrid. They are fast and strong and unless you're packing some decent gear or a water walking spell, you're seafood.

... a few poisoned apples left on the table by one of the hobos. They were of course doomed as the toxins in the laced fruit always slays its victim regardless of constitution, skill in the arts of Restoration or faith in the Nine. Sad news for fish-like people everywhere indeed. Meanwhile in orbit, aboard the massive Space Bunker cumbersomely dubbed the "Shiny Thingy That Unmakes Life"(STTUL for short), Garth Wader, a cos-playing evil genius was about to hatch his totally evil (and ingenious) plot to plunder every Fishy Stick in the galaxy! All he needed to succeed was a single strand of...