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Quirky Skyrim Guards


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A short poem that I wrote today that pokes fun at some of the comments that Skyrim's guards make.





I’ve seen a lot of oddities in Skyrim’s rugged lands,

And I like to think my intellect can handle the demands

From dragon graves, Dwarven ruins, and even wandering bards.

However, one thing still baffles me – these quirky Skyrim guards.


On more than one occasion, the longsword at my side

Has prompted commentary, and some guards have replied

That they too disdain a clunky greatsword or battleaxe,

Yet several of them had big warhammers slung across their backs.


Beyond that, quite a few of them appear to genuinely

Value a suit of plated steel above good ebony.

I’ve had one glance at my back, where my trusty bow is placed,

And say he prefers a sword, but he had a war axe at his waist.


Regarding Skyrim’s crime levels, lots of guardsmen state

Some pretty silly contenders for the highest committal rate,

And the winner has apparently left the province nigh bereft

Of pastries since, absurdly enough, number one is sweetroll theft.


The guards express a desire for some carnal, bloody fun

Although it’s a most masochistic trade that they want done.

Petty thieving burglars and violent, soused carousers

Are wanted replaced by bandits and marauding rabble-rousers.


Despite these common displays of verbal lunacy,

When it comes to fighting, they showcase their supremacy.

So, don’t steal, don’t brawl, don’t rape or murder, don’t tell any fibs,

And never cross a guard’s blade, or you’ll get it in your ribs.

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