Weekly Afflictions

[Keanumoreira]

Do you suffer from a day of the week? Don't know why? Feel like you're trapped and that you can't escape? You may be suffering from one or more of seven diseases that are commonly overlooked. Arm yourself with knowledge; follow our comprehensive guide, complete with examples and cures to your debilitating condition :

 

 

The Monday Measles- The debilitating realization that the week has begun anew, followed by classic expressions of irritability, melancholy, and a feeling of hopelessness, indicators similar to, and often misunderstood as, raging PMS or suicidal tendencies. The infected often report symptoms identical to short-term memory loss, followed by projection, blaming their condition on the day itself. Rashes may result from scratching of the face in an attempt to relieve anxiety; in more serious cases, acne outbreak may occur, resulting from high levels of cortisol. Because of the possibility of rage, those with the Monday Measles shouldn't drive. Drink plenty of water, seclude yourself, and rock back-and-forth in a fetal position, uttering the necessary incantations: "it's going to be okay...it's going to be okay...it's going to be okay..."

Example: While in pottery class, Emily was caught quoting on something that didn't quite make all that sense. She masked her humiliation by replying thusly: "Oh shut up; it's Monday."

Tuesdaylier Thrombosis: Mild clotting in the brain that results in hallucinations of "Saturday." Sufferers report a deep longing for the weekend; healthy individuals report a daze, similar in nature to sleepwalking, in cases involving the critically infected. Homework and friends may be neglected for mourning reasons. Symptoms include depression, headaches, erratic behavior, shakes, and irritability. If afflicted, seek immediate medical attention, preferably something that includes pizza, a soda, and those friends you've been neglecting.

Example: When asked why he suddenly blanked out, Roger replied with a grave expression on his face, "I just realized that it's only Tuesday..."

Hump Day Depression: That bittersweet feeling that although it may be the middle of the week, the other half still remains. The distressed show sizable levels of anxiety and irritability, followed by rash acts that the sufferer can't recall. This unusual behavior is a precursor to "Friday Fever", in which individuals are so focused on the end of the week, that they are left with little control of their actions. The amnesia is still a mystery. Those with Hump Day Depression should be restrained for their own safety, as well as the safety of those around them. The only cure is hope that the condition will run its course with as few causalities and collateral damage as possible.

Example:

"Why so glum chum?"

"*SIGH*...don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Wednesday is here, but the weekend is so close, and yet, so far away..."

The Thursday Tick: A kind of bug that latches itself to the brain's occipital lobe. Although it rarely interferes with vision, it disrupts consciousness in other areas of the brain. Hallucinations don't result, but it seems that a certain longing for the weekend is always lodged in the back of the head in those who suffer from it. Coincidence? Symptoms include paralysis and a stasis-like sleep, where the afflicted are lost in dreams in which a messiah visits them, promising a return of the glorious weekend. Family and friends should surround the infected with love and companionship; apply a wet rag to the forehead as fever is common. They may utter something demonic from time-to-time, but that's only the coma speaking; if necessary, tape the mouth. Symptoms should disappear by the following day.

Example: Cody wouldn't move from his bed this morning, whispering continuously that "it's almost Friday...it's almost Friday...it's almost Friday..."

Friday Fever: Extreme levels of anxiety in which patients report a warm euphoric sensation flowing throughout the body. Mass hysteria is common, resulting from the delusion that the weekend will not arrive somehow. Thus, the infected are easily startled and may charge, forming wild stampedes with the potential to cause large amounts of property damage. Children and adolescents are hit the hardest, with as much as 60% of these populations infected weekly. Parents should barricade the doors and windows, and retreat immediately to the panic room, which, if built properly, should be a subterranean complex suited enough to withstand the devastating rampage of their thrilled offspring. If it persists, wait until help arrives. There is no cure available to relieve the symptoms of Friday Fever; one can only hope to survive.

Example: Refer to Rebecca Black's music video "Friday."

Saturday Schizophrenia: A feeling of rapture; the weekend is here! Individuals may suddenly abandon primary obligations in favor of partying, trips to the mall, or such complex rituals that involve the television, god of the household (other deities, such as the iPhone, laptop, or PC, may be included). Homework is no longer a concern, and long periods of procrastination may follow. The inflicted sometimes report having been lost for days in their homes, only to resurface to pay their electric bills, lest the wrath of the appliances be incurred. Saturday Schizophrenia is not something one should be too worried about; it's only one of two weekly "diseases" that don't pose an immediate threat. Go out and enjoy yourself! It only comes once a week you know!

Example: "I can't believe it's finally Saturday! There's so much we can do! *Sits on couch, sips soda, falls asleep.* [This is what they've been waiting all week for?]

Sunday Scurvy: A Saturday hangover resulting from the deprivation of relaxation so serious, that those who suffer from it have an overwhelming tendency to be lazy. They may re-frame from using their legs, out of fear that by walking, they'll collapse under the sheer weight of their own laziness. Sometimes, they may not eat, as their bones are so "sore" that picking up an eating utensil is the equivalent of lifting a whale. It is only when the infected drink that it poses a serious threat, as they are so lazy as to not even move their throat muscles. Many have drowned while lounging on their couches. Those inflicted need to be slapped, kicked in the ass, and ordered to do something. Repeat to decrease the likelihood of this extremely infectious disease, but be sure to shield yourself with a book or vitamin boost.

Example: "It's Sunday. I don't feel like doing anything...nothing at all."

Edited October 13, 2013 by Keanumoreira

[Ithildin]

Excellent - you've perfectly captured the essence of each day of the week. Funny thing, I've suffered from all of these innumerable times throughout my life ... they must be highly contagious. :D

[Keanumoreira]

I got the idea from my friend Emily (yes, she appears in one of these examples, lol). I thought "you know, that sounds like something everyone always complains about." One day I got bored and strangely creative. This is what I do in my free time. :D