Are you a Tool guy

[dezdimona]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench, at the speed of light. Also, it removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Crap....'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. One of the best examples of false advertising in naming a product to entice buyers.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of the line.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[bben46]

I have either done or seen every one of these in action.

 

Add on for OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Can also be used for lighting cigarettes while simultaneously removing eyebrows.

 

Yes, I actually saw a man do this. Not once, but twice. Some people just don't learn from one mistake. The first time he did it, he dropped the torch starting an oil fire on the floor. The first extinguisher I grabbed was empty. He put out the fire by stomping on it. Note - this was not in my shop and not my employee.

[Gamerbird]

I have either done or seen every one of these in action.

 

Add on for OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Can also be used for lighting cigarettes while simultaneously removing eyebrows.

 

Yes, I actually saw a man do this. Not once, but twice. Some people just don't learn from one mistake. The first time he did it, he dropped the torch starting an oil fire on the floor. The first extinguisher I grabbed was empty. He put out the fire by stomping on it. Note - this was not in my shop and not my employee.

Thats actually really funny lol.

I would have loved to see that :D

[dezdimona]

I have either done or seen every one of these in action.

 

Add on for OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Can also be used for lighting cigarettes while simultaneously removing eyebrows.

 

Yes, I actually saw a man do this. Not once, but twice. Some people just don't learn from one mistake. The first time he did it, he dropped the torch starting an oil fire on the floor. The first extinguisher I grabbed was empty. He put out the fire by stomping on it. Note - this was not in my shop and not my employee.

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif OMG, thats a classic!

[jaysus]

:D

 

hand drills are also quite nice if they hit a steel reinforcement in your wall or even better an electric cable... 't enables you to spin your hand 360° degrees if your (un)lucky

 

water hoses are also quite cool as they like to turn on you or people nearby... or freshly cleaned windows...

 

dont forget chisels... they are quite useful if you still need a scar next to one of your eyes, if you dont need one you can always wear protective glasses which at least makes yourself feel badass... others might think differently but that doesnt matter as they dont fight with a chisel and a rock and will never understand your struggle...

[overload1977]

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

 

so true lmao

[katklaw]

hey I was a carpenter for a number of years and have seen many of those things actually occur.

 

here are some more

 

The portable power drill. Incredible accurate and has a tendency to go through power cables and water pipes hidden with in walls with ease. caution has the carpenter cussing side effect.

 

If used correctly can drill right through a hand with ease, blood and screaming optional.

 

The skill saw - nine and a quarter inches of devistating circluar saw whch cuts through cables including its own, benchtops and nails with ease also comes with cussing side effect.

 

The carpenters hammer. has the disturbing side effect of smashing the tips of carpenters fingers particularily when holding nails and is especially painful during cold weather.

 

Cussing side effect mandatory , screams of pain optional.

 

Now the biggy - the nailgun. superbly crafted and has an unerring accuracy when accidentally shooting nails in the hands of carpenters with magical ease.

 

Side effects include fainting, tetnus shots in the backside, screaming (but thats uncool) and having to by a round of drinks for you laughing mates.

 

Mastic glue - this stuff is really dangerous especially when a practical joke is played on said carpenter by smearing the glue on the back of the carpenters apron. This stuff really sticks to hairy legs with ease and is extremely painfull to remove as the leg hair comes off with the glue.

[TeeFwock]

LMAO

 

here are a the descriptions for a few tools I've had the pleasure of working with.

 

Cement Mixer Attachment for a Hammer Drill

Originally conceived as a good means of finding an excuse to go buy a new hammer drill.

Note: Newer more annoying drills may require as many as 2-3 bags of mud before the desired result is obtained.

 

C-Clamps

Generally installed to be used as a convenient handle or plaything by others, subsequently also comes in handy for leaving large scratches in or removing newly glued items. Its okay, the dresser looked just fine without that fancy drawer-front.

 

Pressure Washers

Often used to check on the status of bone or deep muscle tissue on a limb reachable while still depressing the trigger. As a side effect, the pressure washer can also bring on an impromptu dance in the user and some of the most interesting ululations I've ever heard.

 

Rock

Used in the same capacity as the tool it replaces (regardless of that tool's function) in the case that all available tools have already been promoted to dammit tools and are thusly unreachable or incapacitated. may also be promoted to dammit tool in the case that it cannot fulfill the desired function. Also useful for dropping on one's foot.

[LordTenaim]

Not forgetting the power sander, the instrument for removing finger tips after not listening to lecturer and according to lecturer great for races along work benches.

 

Chisels for impaling into hands fingers and other body parts yours or someone elses.

 

all inccidents have happened (power sander was seen by me on fca course, chisels i'm never putting my hand in front o one while using it.)

[TheCalliton]

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

like a throwing knife?

 

i know alot of those tools, and my dad has a really fancy, bu told drill press