I NEED music desperately...

[InDarkestNight]

My life has only taken a turn for the worse ever since quitting kpop five years ago now.

To make a long story short, I was into kpop from 2012 to 2019. I quit it because I finally got fed up with all the nightmare stories coming out of the industry. I had always felt bad about listening to it knowing it was a literal slave industry. After idols starting killing themselves because of how they're treated, I finally had enough.

For a time, I was happier. Honestly, the horror stories coming out of the industry was doing me more harm then good. Sadly, that did not last. I started having anxiety problems at random. I seem to always be in a foul mood. I'm even starting to have health problems that the doctor told me are due to stress.

I have been without music since quitting kpop. I tried to go back to the 'fantasy metal' I was into before. However, after kpop I was much more conciencious about what I listened to. I asked online why all the bands I used to listen to seemed to express right-wing views, and someone told me the truth; viking metal is a white supremacist genre. I had heard about the black metal bands from scandinavia from the early 90s, but I had never bothered to look much into it. I was never into black metal, or true crime either, so why bother? I had no idea that evil genre was in fact the origin of the power metal bands I used to listen to. Now, I can't stomach listening to that s#*! anymore knowing what it is. I keep trying, including earlier today, but it just makes me sick to my stomach.

I've tried to find a new genre, or even a single band, but nothing else appeals to me. I've looked at everything from modern pop (I'm in my late 30s just so we know), to stupid obscure things like dungeon synth and math rock.

What do I want out of music? I like grandiosity and positivity, Nobody has that. Only metal and kpop have the latter, only kpop has both. Well, glam metal does too, but that's a dead genre that's almost as morally questionable as kpop. I am NOT about to start listening to glam metal.

I feel like a vampire honestly. I need the suffering of others to sustain myself. I don't want people to suffer of course, but it seems to get my life back, I have no choice but to tolerate evil.

Also, honestly, I still keep checking up on kpop news to this day. That genre is designed to get you emotionally attached to its slaves. I litearlly grieved for 3 days after Sulli offered herself, even though I didn't personally know that woman! Kpop just gets its claws in you and will never, ever let go. If you've never heard kpop before, oh how I wish I was you. Never ever look it up. You will regret it the rest of your life. Aside for my own suffering, honestly I still feel guilty for tolerating the genre as long as I did. I knew it was a slave industry, but I kept consuming it anyway just because it made my happy. I feel disgusted with myself.

However, I literally need it. There is no other genre on this planet that appeals to me. I've tried to live without music, though i can't seem to get an answer from anyone as to whether or not that's healthy. I was losing my mind for the longest time; I even contemplating killing all the bards in skyrim just so I would never have to be tortured by music again. I hear any tune, all I can think of is kpop. It makes me 'homesick' for the genre believe it or not. This is so stupid. Doesn't help that youtube keeps shoving both viking metal and kpop into my face regardless of what I'm looking up and even if I don't log in! This is so stupid. I want something different, but youtube won't show me anything. When I do find something that is at least mildly amusing, I always find they cite kpop as an influence. Seriously. Fml. Its like all youtube wants me to watch is kpop and viking metal. Was I led to kpop due to me being into white supremacist metal, even though I was clueless about it for the longest time? I thought I was just listening to fantasy music! I've been left wing my whole life, though I admit kpop, being from a right-wing nation, has sorted branded right-wing beliefs into me I did not hold before. I'm simply not the same person I was before, and that really makes me sick to my stomach.

And yes, I did try to get into jpop, but that's even more questionable, and either way it sucks. Can I never be free? Can I never move on with my life? Can I never be free of stress again? I literally have nothing to do but play games. No music, no other form of entertainment at all. I WANT TO BE FREE AND HAPPY AGAIN WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED THAT IN THIS WORLD. Clearly going without music is NOT healthy for you. Its a form of sensory deprivation. Its like I'm deaf, except I can still talk. Its torment and I'm beyond utterly sick of it. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.

[RedHeadAngel]

Well, you can always try listening to Judas Priest.