[Random Rant] Afraid of Relationships

[messiasmummo]

I’m taking advantage of anonymous status on the internet and rant about something I sort of want to get off my mind.

 

To save time, just skip this whole thing.

 

Word of warning, English is not my native language, so there’ll probably be some mistakes here.

 

As the title says, I’m “afraid” of getting into a relationship. Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t have any one-night affairs either, I’m not like that. What I’m afraid of is not the actual commitment to someone, but the possibilities of any form of abuse or getting cheated on.

One of my problems is that all men seem to be jerks. Of course I know there are many men who are actually proper human beings, but let me further explain; I feel like media promotes the worse sides of men and these impressions really amplify when I see some of those similar traits in men in real life. I don’t know if this sounds too emo but I’ve sort of lost hope for humanity. I remember when I saw the first American Pie movie as a kid and it really got me thinking that every male will eventually turn out like in that movie. I know this sounds pretty stupid, but that’s how I feel and it’s partly because of this “loss of faith” that I’m afraid of getting into a relationship. I really want to emphasize; I know that many men are not the wannabe badass jerks.

I don’t exactly demand that many things from men, I do have few must have trait demands, but none of them are based on shallow values. Everyone knows personality comes before looks, even if they don’t they’ll figure it out sooner or later. Without a matching personality people seem more unpleasant, no matter how handsome/beautiful they are.

Now before you start calling me a feminist extremist (if that even is a thing), I want to say that the loss of hope for humanity applies to women. Media plays a big part in this as well. I think there are many bad examples of females in media, which in return starts to give the impression that men prefer those kind of women. The beauty “demands” on media seem to be very high as well, which makes me feel extremely unsure of my own “worth”. Compared to the women all over media my looks are definitely below average, and again I know that these images are edited to remove any “imperfections” that every normal human has.

It’s very easy to draw impressions from the media since it is all around us, unfortunately I never really seem to meet any of these proper people. Then again I guess in a small place it’s easier to find the majority of these “lost causes” than the few proper ones.

So yeah… I suppose that’s pretty much it. This post will probably get lost behind the popular threads, but at least I got this rant off my mind. Honestly this could’ve been summarized in only couple sentences, but oh well… I like writing.

[Oubliette]

:rolleyes:

 

You already know that over generalizing men or women is not the way to go and that most of your prejudices are founded on the most nebulous of foundations (that would be the media) so there really isn't much more to say. Stop paying attention to the media and try talking to real people instead, get some distance between reality and fantasy in your head and then decide if you even want relationships. Nothing says you have to have one, or twenty. It's alright to decide that you like your own company best and don't want to deal with anyone else in your personal space.

[messiasmummo]

:rolleyes:

 

You already know that over generalizing men or women is not the way to go and that most of your prejudices are founded on the most nebulous of foundations (that would be the media) so there really isn't much more to say. Stop paying attention to the media and try talking to real people instead, get some distance between reality and fantasy in your head and then decide if you even want relationships. Nothing says you have to have one, or twenty. It's alright to decide that you like your own company best and don't want to deal with anyone else in your personal space.

I was not expecting for anyone to actually reply.

 

I did put media in a spotlight there, but I should clarify that it plays a rather minor role in this. Of course I mostly draw influence from the people I meet, but many of them talk and act in a way that seems to be brought on by media, or was made popular by media. It is somewhat hard to explain, but the feeling of lost hope for humanity is mainly caused by the people I meet. I’d say it is unavoidable to start drawing influence from these kind of people, since they are easier to find.

 

I really don’t know how I would put this into words :/ that’s the main reason why I kept it to myself for so long, but writing about it did ease my mind.

[Vagrant0]

Rule #1, avoid singles bars, gyms, or places of work when trying to meet anyone of quality. The majority of men in these places are usually douchebags, hopeless losers, or just lack the creativity to think of any better ways to meet people. Not saying that these things cannot work if you want that kind of person, but any exchange in these places should probably not be taken beyond face value. People of quality usually aren't overly social, so will usually stick to an activity related to their interest when they have much say in the matter. Meaning that the best way to meet people is to try and go to those places which you, yourself are interested in, and hope that it's something that isn't almost exclusively one gender.

 

Rule #2, never be afraid to learn something new, do something different, or step slightly outside your own personal comfort zone when it comes to something that might make you a better person. While the current trend of self-obsessed, brain dead, sleezyness is pretty bad on its own, there is also a trend towards people who are constantly depressed because they don't have some sort of perfect life, but who never step up and do those things that might help them get better. I know, it's hard. Depression is a 3-ton b&@*$ that you have to drag around everywhere, and how easy it is to just stay with those places and things that are familiar and safe. But the reality is that sometimes the only one who can save you is yourself. That doesn't mean that other people cannot still help, but it does mean that you may need to provide the direction or make a strong initiative towards following it.

 

Rule #3, nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, some can be improved upon, some we mature out of, some only come out in the right light, some are stuck with us no matter what we do. The trick is to deal with what you can, accept yourself for what you can't, and accept others in kind. You should never just focus on only yourself, but also try to help those around you also improve in those areas they are lacking, or lead them to new, positive interests when possible. Relationships are all about give and take, and where there is a disparity in the quantity or quality of what each person is contributing, it will usually fail.

 

Rule #4, men will be boys. This is part of the culture of men, it is how men relate to eachother, bond, gain status. Men who play games, catcall when around other men, participate in hazardous behavior around other men, or who just seem to lack that certain bit of "maturity" is normal in most cases and is not particularly indicative of how that person will actually behave once outside that group. For most men, this is what makes them comfortable, what tells them most about those around them, and helps establish them socially such that they can usually relate to any other group of men by relying on those universals. As this social connection helps with business, health, meeting new groups, or being aware of things to avoid, it is both evolutionarily important and extremely relevant even in a modern world. Alcohol, women, gambling, money, biological or sexual functions, or industry are just a few of these universals, and in being universals, are the sorts of things that men of almost all walks of life can usually discuss with eachother as a means of feeling out a new group or situation. Women have different situations or methods for knowing others intimately, so do not usually have as lurid of conversation points, or the need of them. Men relate to eachother side by side, women relate to eachother face to face.... Which is why women usually relate through sharing information or jealous praise.

[Qessanea]

Well, I'm glad you posted, messiasmummo :) I've often felt the same about the things you mentioned; it's nice not to be the only one. I understand the problem with generalising and stereotypes, but sometimes it's hard not to, especially if you've been unlucky in your experiences with other people. The desire to avoid being hurt can sometimes make one more inclined to generalise as well, i.e. erring on the side of caution by assuming the worse. Best wishes, dear.

 

And thanks, Vagrant, for your post. It was very enlightening :)