To be alone or not to be alone that is the question.

[Balagor]

Parents and family have also been teenagers, and been in the same situation.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I did not speak to my family about my inner thoughts either.

Never the less i still have them to day.

Speak to your family/parents, all of you. You will be surprised, when you find that the

fragile, insecure young person still rests within them, and you have a lot to share.

[Ranokoa]

I enjoy solitude. I wish I had nothing but solitude. I rather like being alone, and, when possible, reverse my sleeping schedule so that I am awake when the sun goes down and asleep an hour after it rises. Silence, solitude, alone, complete lack of social interaction... blissful. Unfortunately I rarely get to do such a thing, and what alone time I do have is also rather bleak and very short. If I had a choice I would be alone constantly with nothing but myself, a few good books, nice video games, a lot of pornography, and coffee galore plus a whole lot of Mrs. Mary Jane and a carton of smokes. Sounds like a true heaven to me indeed.

 

Realistically, however, humans are wired to need sociality and MUST be accompanied at times with other humans in order to stay sane. There are NO exceptions to this no matter how "Socially inept or 'loner status'" you are. I am not a very antisocial person, I am quite outgoing and can spark a conversation with almost anyone that knows how to talk more than 1 sentence an hour. I turned an antisocial outcast very shy little freshman boy at a school I went to and made him rather popular amongst many peoples who before never knew his name. Unfortunately for him, they still don't know his name. All they know him by is the name I called him because I could never remember his name. Short-round. He isn't even asian! lol. I just called him that. It stuck very badly. ALL his teachers, to my knowledge, call him short-round now, especially the teacher we shared first period. At first it was a "joke" to them.. but.. well without looking at the roster they could not remember his name either and called him short-round instinctively and with no humor complexity within their emphasis.

Eventually he accepted being called short-round, even though at first he hated it when he turned around when someone called him short-round because he was starting to get used to it. I know his name now, because I heard it one time that I WAS paying attention, it's Allen. It's been a year and a half since I last saw that kid, but he is no longer just that "silent kid in the corner" and is quite the conversationalist with plenty of friends. Although occasionally people would joke about how his name he is known by is "Short-round", he is not made fun of or teased relentlessly because of his new name; quite the opposite, really.

My point being two things, one, I miss that little guy, he was fun. Two, although I absolutely enjoy solitude, I am by far not an antisocial, unable to go out in public, shy little guy. I am a very socially enabled outgoing fat guy with a pretty good reputation within my own little group of.. ermm.. friends? Well. A few years back somethin happened where I was MASSIVELY betrayed for a lot of people to save their own skin. Crud went down, and the formerly LARGE group of friends separated into three groups. 1: The group that was involved in my betrayal. 2: The group that was not involved and hated the first group. 3: The some of the second group being "okay" with some of the first group.

Now things are a LITTLE back to normal.. as far as a group is concerned. But I die a little each time I pretend I do not have any resentments towards those who sold me out to save their own hide (I wouldn't actually be so mad if it were just that, but they made things worse by fabricating a large portion of the story so they seam more helpful and in hopes to try to not get in trouble themselves) Honestly, I don't really trust ANYONE aside from a very small handful of people, and everyone else, even those who didn't rat me out, I do not trust whatsoever, and simply pretend to so I don't seam like the a-hole I am inside.

POINT BEING lol. Not to sound cliché, but I would rather be alone all the time, but am far more than able to live life outside of the walls of the sanctuary of my house.

 

But then again, as my siggy says, "Never take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyways." Actually it was that saying that saved 5 people from gettin the crap beaten outa them and one of them hospitalized from quite a few of the group that DIDN'T betray me, and all the other family I got out there. It was close though, lol. Had I not spoken to them that day and said that to them and explained I do resent the hell outa them but wish them no ill will (even though I really do wish them ill will, I just don't feel it right to get them beat) they woulda been jumped.. numerous times, from numerous people, and many of those people did not know the other people were ganna do it.

Highschool is just too much flippin drama. I try to stay outa the drama by thrusting myself in it. By this, I mean I am known as the one you can go and talk to in order to get crap off your chest or rant and rave about so and so, this way if that so and so happens to be hanging out with everyone else and I, and that other person who hated so and so, "Blank won't go down".

Kinda ironic really.. I HATE people, hate everything about the thought of having to be around people, but for some reason rather then let people duke it out I try to keep the peace >_< It's just all so very immature, and I can't help but judge relentlessly and diagnose each situation and dissect each variable of things to the point where I am ashamed to know the people I know because of how absolutely dramatic and childish everyone is. Then again in my life I kinda had to skip "childhood" and go straight to being unable to tolerate stupid behavior. Although I do on occasion do some stupid stuff, whether it be light stop signs on fire with napalm with my 20 year older than me brother from another mother (who really is just not very motherly), or play video games. Kinda hypocritical I know, but it all just depends on how inebriated I am at the time :)

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

[MoDqUeen]

When i was in normal school <i have been homeschooled for two years now.> I was constantly teased because of my red hair, my .... different vews on things and my absoulute insane personality. When i wasn't being teased i was probably sitting in a quiet corner somewhere having a breakdown, and if it wasn't that i would just be generally alone. I am what i am because of those MONSTERS at school that teased me.

I call them that because there is no other name for them that i find appropriate, other than demons. For years and years i was teased and broken down until i was only a shell, i barly did have friends, and those that i did have betrayed me and stabbed me in the back more than often. And its not like there were a few of others like me that were teased... no in my class it was only me. In a short period of time people that were not even in my class teased me... at one stage even the teachers caught onto it. My time there was like hell to me. And no matter how many times i reported this to the teachers and supervisors they would do absoulutely nothing about it. Instead whenever i tried to get them back I was the one to get into trouble... even if i was just trying to make a comment BAM i would get into trouble... but oh no... no matter who teased ME they would never get so much as a glare.

 

I remember one time we had to do a play at the circus... i diddnt have many roles to play so i did what i could. when the play was over we all lined up in the circle for the closing speech. Woe is me that i was infront... and those behind me were my tormentors. The costume that i was wearing had an open back with an elastic end on the side. The one that was behind me dug his nails into my back and dragged them to the elstic where he pulled and let it loose. I dont know how many times he did that... but i do know that each time he did it would hurt more and more... it felt like hours until that speech was over and we were allowed to leave. By the end of that speech tears were streaming down my face. Even then the teachers did.. nothing.

 

Going back to the 'friends' that i had at that time ... and even now. <the ones that are here in SA mind you> Use me and then stab me in the back. If they need something they would get me to do it then BAM betray me.

Home school isnt that great either.... i have literally spent the past two years in my room with no contact to the outside world. There are many things that other people know that i dont... many people have more friends than i do, and many people would laugh at me because of the way i act.... but you know what? I DONT CARE! i dont care what those people think. I have learnt that the only way that you can survive in this world is not to give a damn about what people say about you, and live your life as you want to live it.. no other way. otherwise you will end up being used as a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. But dont think that i am impolite. I will greet you with a smile, even if i dont feel like it... i would hold back my anger if i got angry. But i can no longer trust people easily. I died inside long ago... and i never thought it possible, but thanks to a small ammount of true friends that i have i am coming back to life.

[Balagor]

Mockin is a terrible thing. I cannot tell you what to do.

Solitude IS a good friend, but not as your only friend.

You should be strong and break through that hard shell

of yours, and face social life even though it hurts.

There will be some friends that can be trusted, friends that

will not betray you. But they may be hard to find.

 

 

To see the light, you got to take it to a dark place.

[JA stu]

Wow... It makes you feel bad when you know that you were one of those people who perhaps teased a kid for being small or something inherently different about them which made them different from some one else. I had a friend in highschool who sounds like he was in the exact same position as you... I am glad to have stuck up for him...

 

Hang in there, MoDqUeen

[Gamerbird]

When I am worried or something I usually put on a happy face and deal with it myself.

I never had anyone to talk to about how I felt so I made it this way and this is how it has stuck.

 

I have been told plenty of times now that I have people to talk to if something is wrong, thanks to my college friends, but I still find it hard to talk to anyone about how I feel or whats gone on.

 

Keeping myself to myself is the only thing that really works. I would prefer to talk to people and what not but I just haven't been able to work that way in a long time.

 

Stick to it MoDqUeen ;)

We are here for you :D

Me and Josh especially :P

[Zephyr2011]

I rarely cry and I have to say I'm close to it at this point. You and I aren't so different. We were both tormented and harassed and made to feel worthless, that much is the same, the reasons why don't matter, I never have been homeschooled and I'm still in public and it's all a lot better now but I've been through the same hell as you. The difference is in how we dealt with it. We're both turning out okay but we've had our rough patches eh? You lost all your trust and me, well I've done a lot of things I regret. I had horrible anger issues, I almost got expelled on a number of occasions and in-school suspension and I are no strangers. I've been through many a fight and hurt far too many people, a day doesn't pass where I don't regret everything I've done or when I don't hate the people who made my life hell. I've often felt the paradigm of wanting to talk to someone yet wanting to be alone because no one was caring enough to not make me want to punch them in the face. I was like that since 2nd grade, I got into fights, I hurt other kids, even ones older than me. In addition to that the school system started monitoring every paper I turned in and every project because they thought I'd commit suicide, I've lived in a small town since 2nd grade that was when my parents got divorced and my mom and I moved here, never in the years that those schools have been open had they monitored a kid in third grade for suicidal thoughts and actions. I never tried to take my life but I considered, considered it a lot. The thing that kept me going was, no matter how many people betrayed me, how many people spat in my face, mocked me, or treated me worse than the dirt beneath their feet, I had one friend who stuck by me from the beginning and he's still my best friend to this day. We don't hang out much but we both know we'd take a bullet for the other and he was the only reason I managed to keep myself out of enough trouble to get expelled, and to hang on to my will to live. When I got older I joined scouts and that's when I really got control of my anger, camping was probly the best thing to ever happen to me. You can be alone, without actually being alone, you sit there and gaze out across a lake or into a fire, people aren't loud or insensitve, you're there enjoying the beauty of nature, you're able to think of everything you want to think without someone bothering you, but if you want to talk to someone someone's always there. Years past and when I was in 8th grade I had made a complete turn around, I hadn't been monitored for suicidal thoughts for the last year or two (I don't know when they really stopped but I knew they weren't monitoring me then) and I went through that entire year almost completely trouble-free (there were a few minor things but nothing bad), I kept my anger in check, I had a lot more friends and I held my head up high, grinned and beared anything that ticked me off. That year was the real me, the kid who had been in my home-town, the kid who never got in trouble, who was loved by students and teachers alike when he was little and in kindergarten and first grade. It was the compassionate me, the me who didn't think of ending his own life or harming others. One day though, something happened, something terrible. It wasn't to me, or any of my family, and it wasn't because of me, though to this day I still think about if I could have prevented it. A girl in my class, several of my classes, had a fight with her parents and stole their car and drove to the library, near the library were a set of railroad tracks and she hit them to fast, the car went oout of control and rolled and crashed into the library steps, it was a miracle no one else was hurt but she died almost instantly. She was my friend, though we never hung out outside of school, we both knew each other and talked. It was terrible, I went through nearly the entire next day without speaking to wanyone but my best friends I was just in shock, how could she have done that? How could I have let it happen? I've accepted the fact that I couldn't have stopped her that night but I still regret not being a better friend and realising that she was as prone to suicidal thoughts as I had been a long time ago. That was over a year now and I swore at her funeral that I would be a better person, she had always been a good human being, she hated no one, always smiled and joked, everyone loved her, and everyone was devastated. And now I'm a better person for having known her. I've been in your situation and I know it's tough but tough it out, find something you love, art, camping, reading, anything just something you love, and stick to it, it'll help you through it all, and never let your true friends forget how much you love them and how much you need them, give it time and it will all get better, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but in time it will, I promise.

[Birrii]

Isn't it a little bit ironic that we talk about our problems here, and not in the real world?

So maybe we DO want some attention after all, but maybe not from people that we face everyday...?

[MoDqUeen]

I was in brownees <like girl scouts> when i was younger. i really enjoyed it there... but due to time issues i had to leave it.

I also did JKA karate, but had to leave that too.

I had art class but had to leave it because of the distance to it... The last thing i had left was balet... I loved it even though i wasn't exactly the best.... but every single year i ended up on crutches for some reason or another involving my feet. The last time it was tendenitis in my foot and the doctor told me that i shouldnt do it anymore... so i dropped it. Even though the classes were fulled with snobbs i rather liked it... it taught me to stop thinking about everything and just relax, Unfortunately i did have to leave it because of those reasons.

The past year i have been nagging my mom to take me to go learn ballroom or latin american... but because of me literally doing two school years in one this year i diddnt have the time.

There was one thing that i truly loved... that nothing interefered with... Linedancing... sure it may sound crazy but it was really fun, the atmosphere was always plezant.... but then mom diddnt want to do it anymore so we ended up leaving that too.

Basically the only thing i have left at the moment is my swimming, i spend 90% of the time under the water i just love it. Finally the small pool that was built in the back yard was finished so i could swim there... so i still have something to look forward to at the end of a long day.

 

And i agree 100% on what you said Birrii

[Ranokoa]

The betrayal from my friends almost lead to my imprisonment. Thank god that cop liked me and I am very charismatic, also my friends were all stupid and tried to make things sound worse than they did, making it an unrealistic big picture, and having everyone doubt them. I just wrote a 5 thousand word rant on a bulletin in myspace that takes up 7 pages in MS word in size 12 new romans >_<On hour later and I feel great, because I finally told em all how much I truly hated them. Sad thing is, with all my expletives and vulgarities I was still holding back and being nice. It is not in my nature to hurt people, even when they deserve it. Unless its like physically than ya if they deserve it I'll drill my flippin boot in their face and stab em. Cept my version of "deserve" or more or less if their attacking me on the street, or I see or hear about them laying ONE damn hand on a woman. EVEN if one of those women happened to be the ones that almost got me imprisoned and still tried to say it wasn't their fault even though I had all the evidence. I mean HECK man. Anyways, I would stab that hand tryin to slap the blank, slap the blank myself, and say "You owed me". Then go and drink coffee to wake up so I make sense cause I am starting to digress too much to the point where I am forgetting what I was originally talking about.

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

 

PS: Person who was always teased. I am sorry that happened to you. I used to get teased a lot myself until I started kickin the blank out of people who even dared open their trap. Then it was really fun to get teased cause I got to try out new ways of hurting people. Then I found weed and learned how to chill. Then I was dubbed Toker J. by like flippin everybody all spontaneously after a while it felt like a conspiracy theory, and all those that teased me tried to be my friends. So I made their lives hell, and from then on decided to do things peacefully and not try to hospitalize people. Actually more or less I converted to a different religion and became a very god fearing man. >_<

 

Anyways, I know how the teasing can hurt. Now I seriously couldn't give a care but back then in the brunt of things when my life at school, at home, and at what was supposed to be a father..'s house. It was all hell, I was continuously in the middle of violence at an age where I haven't the muscle to protect myself. Ridicule and shouting was all I ever knew, I never had a childhood. My father was a male without a father and my step father was an alcoholic rage-o-holic. If I wasn't gettin beat by mr.Bio I was gettin punched by mr.drunkard. It got to the point finally when my pedophile father was found and taken away from us that I was beginning to grow into something that had the mass behind him to defend himself, and promptly took on all Mr.Drunkard had to offer. I would challenge him, I would berate him, I would do what ever it took to get him from EVER hitting my mother again, because if he EVER got that far again I knew I would kill him in cold blood that would warmly splatter across the room in a raining shower of iron-tasting sprinkles.

 

Now we stand outside and bum smokes off eachother and are actually pretty tight. Since the economy was bad he got worse, then he got a job out of town and had to spend months at a time away from the house. It allowed us all to calm down and forget how much we loathe his presence. Then HE had to actually slow WAAAAAY down on his drinking to keep his job. Things have gotten good.. or at least better. Arguments are rare...er.. and I never really have to worry about violence. Now I carry a knife on me at all times and have at least 2 weapons within 1 foot of me at all times in my room just for safety from breakins, not having to kill him.

 

I am one of the fortunate who grew emotionally numb from an early age when life decided to torment me and when my ass got numb because it was being whipped too much, literally, black and sometimes only blue.

 

So life goes on as a boring monotonous melancholic myriad of disappointments and nothing can ever truly affect me too severely anymore. I adapted, hope you do too, because pain is always much less painful when you simply die a little inside rather than have your soul crushed.

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa