Funny Replies You Make To NPCs

[Xios5]

Beggar: "I'm so hungry"

Me: "Same, actually. I'm just off to the Tiber Septim for their Thursday special. Bye!"

 

Raminus Polus: "You're a f..." *I go through portal* ... *I come back through portal*

Me: "I'm a what?"

 

Delos Fandas: "Any friend of Martins is a friend of mine. How may I help y..."

Me: "Don't align me with retards."

 

*I save a guard from two bandits*

Guard: "Why are you bothering me? Go away!"

[SoulofChrysamere]

Oh man, these are good. I just have to do a few more.

 

 

Dark Brotherhood Target: For the love of Azu- *Kills him with dagger*

Me: *Shaking head* You guys really need to come up with shorter swear phrases.

 

 

Random Bandit/Marauder: You mangy housecat!

Me: *Kills him* If I'm just a housecat, then be glad you didn't run into a big cat!

 

 

Adamus Phillida: You Dark Brotherhood types are all sneak and no swing.

Me: *Dressed in my Daedric armor and equipped with my Daedric warhammer standing in front of a pile of guard corpses* I think you might have put off your cataract surgery for too long there, Philly.

[iSev]

*Getting shot at by bandits*

Bandit: Why won't you die!?

Me: How do I shot bow????

[RatcatcherOfKvatch]

Cultist: "The Dawn Is Breaking"

Me (female character): "The Broad Is Faking ... umm, I mean ... aww, crap."

 

Dog Trainer: "Don't you just love dogs?"

Me: "Can you train them to sniff out fennel?"

Trainer: "Oh dear Gods not another one. Ever since I started training it's been 'fennel' this and 'mandrake' that ... one wretched brute even wanted me to train a dog to sniff out harrada, like I'd let one of my poopsies anywhere near those awful things! We just HATE alchemists, don't we, Snoogums?"

Snoogums: Rawf! Woof! Grrr!

Me: "So, umm, I suppose a dog trained to sniff out porphyric hemophilia would be out of the question, then?"

Trainer: "It's ok, Snoogums. The mean old man was just leaving ..."

Snoogums: Rrrrr ... rrrawf! Grrrr!

 

No matter how many times I do it, saying, "Sic 'em, Barney!" after summoning a Daedroth just never seems to get old. If I can't have a fennel-sniffing dog ...

[Relativelybest]

Recently overheard NPC convo:

 

NPC1: Have your heard about Anvil? The chapel has been desecrated and the priests and priestesses murdered!

NPC2: By the gods!

NPC1: Indeed.

[rinoaff33]

Imperial Watch: "You have my ear, citizen."

Me: "Do you want it back?"

 

Ha, I always have this picture in my head of a cartoon comic where a guard walks up to my character and says in this in a deadpan voice. And his ear actually is missing. Every time I hear a guard say it I picture it.

 

Person: I heard you know how to move in light armor!

Me: ...Are you trying to flirt with me?

 

Person: [to a female character] Look at the muscles on you!

Me: ...Still getting the "flirt" vibe here.

 

Person: You smell of dead things. Been conjuring up some undead?

Me: One, I do not "smell of dead things." Two, even if I did, shouldn't you be alarmed that I'm the Archmage and practice necromancy?

 

Battlemage: Ah, you must be the Arcane University's newest addition. This humble battlemage bids you welcome!

Me: Wait, wait, so I'm the newest mage in the guild...and I'm the Archmage? If it was that easy to reach Archmage, then you mages must the be laziest on Tamriel.

 

Blind Monk: Who's there?! *waits a moment* Better cut down on the ale. Starting to see things, I am.

Me: I thought you were blind?!?!

 

Enemy: You move like a pregnant cow!

Me: How appropriate - you move like a dairy farmer. Wait, lemme try that again...

 

Dark Elf: [with disgust] Oh, it's you.

Me: Look here, lady, I'm the Grand Champion, the Hero of Kvatch, the Archmage of Cyrodiil, a thief, a murderer, a secret agent, and, in my scant free time, an adventurer who likes to collect dangerous and priceless artifacts. Do you really want to mess with me?

Edited July 22, 2011 by rinoaff33

[RavveN]

NPC in Leyawin: I can swear i heard some strange noises coming out of Rosentia Gallenus house..

Me: What?! You heard?! I told her not to yell during sex! -.-

[Gaius24]

Highwayman: Well well if it isn't the Divine Crusader himself.

Character: Yeah the other superheros were busy.

 

Dremora: On your belly Knight!!!

Character: Go to . . . oh wait, we are already there.

 

Black Bow Bandit: This is the part where you fall down and . . . .(thud)

Character: Cleans off Andruil.

 

Vilja: I used my braid to strangle a Spriggan.

Character: Hides behind Neeshka.

 

Cheers

[leirynot]

NPC: I'm so happy to see you I could burst!!!

Me: Let me help you with that... [casts combustive convulsion spell from deadly reflex]

 

NPC to a horse: You move like a pregnant cow!

Me: Looks to me like it moves like a horse...

 

Lex talking about Gray Fox: He's just a thief, supposed to be the head of the thieves' guild ect.

Me: Aren't you the one who is obsessed with catching him?

 

Owyn: I heard a rumor your an idiot/

Me: You do realize your talking to the Grand Champion / Arch Mage / Master of the Fighter's Guild / Listener/ Champion of Cyrodiil / Master Ranger of the Kvatch Arena / max rank in every other faction in the game who is also a master of heavy armor, blade, marksman, every master skill with an intelligence of 100 who could easily kick the crap out of you? So if I'm an idiot, then what does that make you?

 

NPC: How about mixing up some potions, you look like quite the alchemist

Me: How about I test my new poisons on you? Or I could see how well my insanity potion works by drinking it and seeing how many people i can kill. (I made singed from LoL and was using him)

 

NPC: You have the hands of an illusionist

Me: But my illusion is only five, or do you mean those hands that I took from that illusionist after I killed him?

 

Mankar Cammoran: You came for the amulet? Take it then!

Me: Okay, right after I feed your soul to Umbra. [kill him in one hit] I'll take that amulet...

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

NPC: "I have a feeling you and I are about to become very close."

me: o3o eww stop touching me ....