Just for Laughs

[VileTouch]

Hey all, I was looking for some jokes around, but i couldn't find any. so I said to myself: self, you're going to have to make a jokes thread of your own...

 

so here it is. I'll start with a few jokes i know. feel free to share some of yours too!

 

The Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

 

“Magic Beer”, he says.

 

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

 

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

 

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.” He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

 

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

 

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

[VileTouch]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog …. or the senile elderly lady.

 

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

 

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[VileTouch]

Things overheard during a Colonoscopy

 

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

* I usually don’t do this on the first date.

* “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”

* “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

* “Can you hear me now?”

* “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

* “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

* “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

* “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about….”

* “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

* “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”

* “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

* “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

And the best one of them all…

* “Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?”

[VileTouch]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even…

 

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

[VileTouch]

Ole Fred

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

 

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

 

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

 

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

 

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

 

He opened the note, and read, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

[VileTouch]

Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.

They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided

to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out

the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy

Ray was called in first.

 

The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar

above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature

of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his

head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned

across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his

mouth. He growled at Billy Ray “This is a tough business.

You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around

the room and tell me what you notice!” Billy Ray looked at

the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He

looked at the owner and said “You ain’t got no ears!” The

owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the

neck and threw him out of his office.

 

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went

over to help his friend up. “What happened?” Billy Joe

told him, “What ever you do – don’t talk about his ears!”

Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy

Joe he could go in.

 

Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He

leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of

his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe “This is a tough

business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant.

Look around the room and tell me what you notice!” Billy

Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and

large bar. He looked at the owner and said “You wear

contacts!”

 

The owner stood up in amazement. “That’s awesome

perception! How could you tell that from way over there?”

 

“It’s obvious,” said Billy Joe. “You can’t wear glasses

because you ain’t got no ears.”

[VileTouch]

Snoring

The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went a coaches’ retreat. To save money they had to room together.

 

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it’s not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

 

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?”

 

He said, “Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night.”

 

The next night it was a different coach’s turn In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”

 

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player-looking type of man’s man.

 

Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed “Good morning.”

 

They can’t believe it! They say, “Man, what happened?”

 

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long.”

[VileTouch]

8 Amazing and Simple Home Remedies

 

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

 

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

4. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

 

6. You only need two tools in life: wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

 

7. Remember- everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

8. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.