DrunkenGamer Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 "The government has done very little to stop such detrimental effects and instead concentrates on improving the conditions of the schools within the nation’s capital of Seoul, of which many are also overloaded with students as parents try to get their children into the institutions with a better reputation." "Eliminate such circumstances, and the students are still suffering through a brutal and agonizing process of school that prepares them for a number of major exams throughout the year, culminating in one final exam that determines entrance into college - indeed, many hakwons exist solely to supplement the student’s preparation for the exams." And does it sound very awkward? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ranokoa Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 Where the second one breaks it can either be easily two sentences, or tiny bit of revision for fluidity, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vagrant0 Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 Yes to both. Consider re-wording the first one to be broken down into 3-4 sentences. Try taking a more conversational tone since this forces you to consider the length of a sentence by what a person could actually speak in a single breath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grannywils Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 Yes, I agree. The first sentence could easily be broken into two, the second sentence ccould easily be broken into three. This could be done without really altering anything that you have said. However, it would become more conversational and easier for the reader to understand and listen to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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