The Orange Shadowed Sea

[Keanumoreira]

The sun was the fire of breath, of this Orange Shadowed Sea,

Its haunting brassful children, sing of alto keys.

Its wicked eerie twin, born from womb of solar roots,

It hums the tale of souls, in silver lunar mutes.

 

Past those tantrumed currents, no feet will hope to tame,

The death of trembled eyes, to be of sour claim.

Red with blood and grimace, are the fury of stormy dunes,

Where lost are moving mountains, in search of silver moons.

 

Through this gate of hell, beyond the mouth of swords,

Lay the distant screams, of hallowed dusty hordes.

So all those be foretold, to avoid all hope to be,

Or face the tainted toys, of the Orange Shadowed Sea.

[TheSwedishPancake]

I like this poem a lot; great imagery. Really makes you think. One thing that I would suggest is making it "sing" more... for example, the first line, if read with alternating unstressed and stressed syllables, respectively, sounds strange and doesn't roll off the tongue very well:

 

the SUN was THE fire OF breath, OF this ORange SHADowed SEA

 

Mostly insignificant words are stressed when read in this way, although the second part of the line has good rhythm. However, the second line sounds beautiful when read like this:

 

its HAUNTing BRASSful CHILdren, SING of ALto KEYS.

 

Anyway, just something I thought might spice it up. Otherwise, because of the imagery and creativity, this is one heckuva poem. Keep it up.

[Keanumoreira]

That's been bugging me too, but I couldn't find a substitution for it. Every pieces of writing can't be perfect I guess.

 

Anyway, a little criticism goes a long way, so I'll keep this in mind. Thanks for the feedback BTW. :happy: