macbeth newspaper stuff

[TheCalliton]

quick note to Ms. Clark, should she find this

I AM Gunnar, and I DID write this ON MY OWN

now with that out of the way, check out four sections

Advice by time the wizard

want ads

editorials

and the Witches Weekly Warning and Weather

 

The point of this project is to make a macbeth time newspaper featuring articles about macbeth and other newspaper stuff

 

Advice by Tim the wizard.

 

Dear Tim,

I have a killer rabbit roaming behind my hut. It has devoured three knights, a squire, and a dozen pigs. The little monster has been terrorizing my entire family for a year now, and I am starting to fear for my life. How can I get rid of the killer and keep my life?

 

With much fear:

Bloodstained

 

Well, Bloodstained, killer rabbits have huge nasty pointy teeth. They may seem cute, but look at the bones! Your best bet is to douse a holy relic in a flammable liquid, light it, and throw it at the rabbit. If possible, substitue the holy relic with a holy hand grenade.

 

 

Dear Tim,

My husband has been rambling on about shrubberies lately. He hasn't been eating much, except salads and herrings. Ever since he went through the dark woods, he has been obsessed with shrubberies. I am really getting worried. Please help me before my husband wastes away.

 

With many plants:

Shrubella

 

Thank you for writing, Shrubella, your husband seems to have encountered a rare sight and managed to survive. He has encountered *dramatic chord* the knights of ni! They usually demand a shrubbery and a sacrifice of herrings. Simply help him appease the knights and you should be fine. Otherwise they might "NI!" you to death.

 

 

Pleese halp me, Tim. My horse is no strong anee moore. Hee fell doun a big hole and no move anee moore. Pleese halp me, Tim.

from Bob.

 

Well, Bob, it sounds like your horse is dead. I suggest you go get a new one.

 

Dear Tim.

There has been a plague ravaging my town, and we need to remove the dead. We can't burn them since it isnt good for the environment, and burrying them takes too much work. How can we take care of this problem.

 

from, I'm not dead yet.

 

Dear I'm not dead yet. Your best bet is to get yourself a couple of strong peasents to pull a cart around town every couple of days while you band on a metal triangle and yelling "bring out your dead!" and charging five pence to take away pretty much anyone or anything that doesn't protest.

 

Hello there, Tim, I am having a problem with my new neighbors in the next castle over. They constantly hurl waste and animals at us whenever we so much as get near their castle, and when they don't do that, they say really nasty things that hurt my feelings. Things like "I fart in your general direction!" and "Your father is a hampster!" I have become severly depressed and angry at these French knights. Please help me!

 

from, Stinky south of town

 

Stinky, I am sorry to hear about your problem. These french knights have been proving difficult to deal with lately. I have had to burn down several of their castles this year. Should assaulting their castle with several knights fail, try a trojan bunny. Don't bother getting it, they will take it in and die of laughter. Should the trojan bunny fail, try a badger.

 

 

 

 

Editorials.

 

Dear Cobblestone Courier. I am wiritng on behalf of your article last week about the local manuer production. The article was full of manuer. Full of useless, unending, pointless manuer. So much manuer that the paper turned brown. So much manuer that I could smell it coming off the paper. I am pretty sure that you print this in a manuer production facility. Please refrain from printing so much manuer.

 

With better manuer than you, John Crapper.

 

Dear Double C.

I have noticed that the majority of your "weekly witches warnings and weather" is almost always wrong. I have no idea if the armaggedon predicted for friday will happen, and I certanly have no idea if it will really be sunny on monday. I think your witches are full of the editorial above mine. Please stop printing AAAAAAAARHG.

 

Signed, Dead in the black beast of ARHG's stomach.

 

 

Dear Cobblestone Courier.

I am shocked by the number of people that dislike your paper. I absolutely love it! You weekly warnings are hilarious, and your advice is perfectly funny! Your buisiness section is always spot on, and i seem to always find what i need in the want section. Not to mention your main articles are always up to date.

 

from, a well payed and loyal paperboy

 

Dear CC.

It has come to my attention that your article last week about treating a knife wound to the head is lacking considerably in reliable information. Your article said "Just leave it, it will either get better or you will die." This is NOT true. It can be treating by leaving the knife in and praying. Another method is to remove the knife and fill the wound with cow guts, this often has a bad effect in the distant future, but for current purposes it works great.

 

Sincerely, Head hole.

 

Dear newspaper people

I would like to thank you for the advice collum. Last week someone wrote to you about dealing with a very mean three headed knight. I, having been int he same situation at the time, have been able to deal with it thanks to your paper. The knight now has one head, and is much more pleasent to be around.

 

Signed, John Pigsfoot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For sale.

Guillotine. Lightly used. Slight rust on blade. This is NOT cursed. The past three owners have NOT woken up with their heads in the guillotine. Will trade for two goats and a chicken. Inquire at Joseph Hobble's house.

 

 

Wanted.

Man to pose as ghost to haunt a guillotine. Pay is good. Inquire at the witch's cave.

 

For trade.

Wagon. Right front wheel wobbles a bit due to an accident with a goat. Smells of manuer. Will trade for three sacks of manuer. Inquire at the smelly house outside of town.

 

Wanted.

Jester with long neck. Inquire at the castle.

 

wanted.

Executioner. Must be tall, strong, and must like black hoods. Inquire at the castle.

 

for sale.

Jester outfit. Blood stains will wash out easily. Low price! inquire at the castle.

 

Wanted.

several young men who enjoy theivery and tights. Inquire at the forest.

 

 

 

Witches Weekly Warnings and Weather.

The road leading north of town is cloased due to cobble stone thievery. Expect construction. Try the road leading east of town, it leads to a smaller road heading north that should get you around the thievery.

Ghost sighting have been reported. If you see one, be sure to consult your local psychiatrist, because you may be hallucinating. If you are not, run away quickly while screaming.

Adressing the sightings of witches. These do not exist, please ignore all bad rumors.

To deal with sleepwalking, try chaining yourself to bed and gagging yourself. This should prevent any and all sleepwalking.

This weeks special recipie is a special concoction. It is a rare and very unknown soup. The ingrediants include eye of newt, lizard's leg, tounge of cow, and ground bat bones. Come try it at the Witches Tavern today. side effects may include death, strange transformations, unearthly visions, and gas.