funny jokes

[thejake1453]

alright this is a thread for funny jokes they can be rude or what ever, just not racist because

1goes against forum rules

2 because i hate racists

 

i'll start us off with a few....

 

(i'm not a sexist, i just think this joke is funny, hey its meant in good humor!)

Q: how many men does it take to open a beer?

A: none, it should be open when she hands it to him

 

Heres another

theres this bar on the side of the grandcanyon, whell this man comes in and sits on a stool next to a drunk.

The drunk man turns and says to the man who just walked in

"heys, i bet you 100 bucks i can jump of the grandcanyon catch some wind in my jacket and have it bring me back up to the ledge"

"No way, you can't do that" replies the man

"then make the bet, i'll even give you the hundred now incase i die" replies the drunk

"fine"

so they walk up to the edge of the canyon

"watch this" the drunk says,

he then jumps off and catches some wind in his jacket and gets lifted back up to the ledge

"see easy!" says the drunk

"wow! amasing! do it again!"

so the drunk jumps off, catches the wind and is brought to the top again

"wow heres your money, man i wish i knew how you did that" so the man hands the drunk the money he owes.

"hey its real easy you try it." the drunk tells the man

so the man jumps off, keeps falling and hits the bottom, being killed in a spray of blood.

the drunk goes back into the bar and orders a beer. the bartender looks at him and says

"y'know, your a real ar*e hole when your drunk, super man.

 

wow that was a long one! tell me some of yours!!

[ResidentWeevil2077]

A middle-aged couple have been happily married for umpteen years

But the husband has a bad habit of farting in bed before going to sleep

"You're gonna fart your guts out one of these days" says the wife

The husband thinks nothing of it, and continues to fart in bed

 

The wife one night gets the bright idea of stuffing some left over turkey guts down her husband's pajama bottoms to prove her point to him

When she know he's fallen asleep, she quietly puts the turkey guts into her husband's trousers

He let's out a big smelly bomb, and the wife silently laughs to herself, thinking this is the perfect time to teach her rude husband not to fart in bed

He gets up out of bed to go to the bathroom

 

A while later, the wife hears a scream down the hall from the bathroom, fighting back her laughter

"What's wrong, honey?" she asks, trying hard not to laugh out loud

Her husband comes back to the bedroom after a short while

"You were right, sweetie" he says, "You said one day I'm gonna fart my guts out if I keep farting in bed"

"Yeah?"

"Well, it finally happened. But the good thing is, after a couple bottles of KY Jelly, I managed to push them back in"

 

So, the moral of the story is, DON'T FART IN BED! :D

 

 

EDIT: The following joke is kinda inappropriate, but it's nothing compared to other jokes I've heard ;) ...

 

Q: What's long, green, and smells like Miss Piggy?

A: Kermit's finger

[ninja_lord666]

So this blonde walked into a library, and walked up to the main counter. She said, "Can I have, like, a Big Mac, large fry, and a diet coke?" The librarian looked around then said, "Umm, this is a library." The blonde whispered, "Ohh, sorry. Can I have, like, a Big Mac, a large fry, and a coke?"

[Abramul]

Q: How do you confuse a mathematician?

A: Put him in a spherical room, and tell him to sit in the corner.

[elpiggo]

OK, this one is really quite rude and sexual so prepare yourselves.

 

A woman is out in the park with her 4 year old son. They see some teenagers having sex behind a bush.

 

"Mummy! What are they doing?" Asks the boy.

 

Troubled, the mother thinks for a moment, then says: "Making cakes," before hurrying her son on.

 

Later, heading home, the boy says: "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night weren't you?"

 

"How do you know?" Asks the woman.

 

And the boy says:

 

Prepare yourself.

 

 

"I licked the icing off the sofa!"

 

Please don't delete that; it's a masterpiece.

[ninja_lord666]

Oh man! That is so wrong! It's absolutely hilarious though!

 

I've got another one:

 

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Povuholo]

Stupid joke coming. Stupid enough to make it funny?

 

 

Two horses are in the stables bragging about how good they were.

 

The first horse says: 'I've run 20 matches, and won 16 of them!'.

 

Then the second horse said: 'That's nothing! I've run 40 matches, and won 35 of them!

 

A third horse enters the stables and says: Hah! 'I've run 50 matches and won 48 of them!'

 

A dog enters the stables. He says: 'Do you think that's special? I've run 100 matches and I won all of them!'

 

Complete silence.

 

After half a minute, the third horse says: 'Hey, that dog can talk!'

[ninja_lord666]

I've got another one. This one is a little inappropriate, but it's absolutely funny.

 

There was this man who's car broke down in the middle of nowhere. There was a small house nearby. He went up to it, and a gorgeous asian woman opened the door. He asked for help with his car, but she didn't know anything about it nor did her mother. Her mother suggested going into town, but it was too late and they'd go in the morning. She said that he could stay the night but warned him that if he lay a finger on her daughter there'd be three chinese curses. During the night, he found that he couldn't sleep. He knew tat the daughter was just across the hall and her mother was asleep. He figured that she'd never know. So, he crept into the daughter's room and they did, you know. When he was done, he crept back into his room and fell asleep. In the morning, he woke up to find a large boulder on his chest. On it was a sign reading, "First Chinese Curse: Boulder on Chest" He thought, No problem. He picked up the boulder and through it out the window. In a tree, he saw a sign that read, "Second Chinese Curse: Left Nut Attached to Boulder." He thought, Oh No! Of course, then he fell out the window after the boulder. When he hit the ground, he saw a third sign that read, "Third Chinese Curse: Right Nut Attached to Bed."

 

I also have a third that's probably even worse. It starts the same.

 

There was this man who's car broke down in the middle of nowhere. He saw a farm house nearby and thought that he could get some help there. The farmer could help. The farmer looked at it and found that they would need some parts and would need to get them from the town. However, it was late so they'd have to go in the morning. The farmer said he could sleep in the barn, but don't screw the three holes. In the barn, the man right away saw the three holes. He got curious and went to the first one. He looked in and saw a cow. He shrugged and screwed it. Afterwards, he checked out the second hole. He thought that nothing could be better than the first hole. He looked into it and saw a beautiful woman. He called her over and he screwed her. When he was done, He went over to the second hole. He thought that nothing could be better than those first two holes. He stuck his thing in and screamed in pain. The farmer heard this. He said, "In the first hole is my favourite cow. In the second hole, is my only daughter. In the third hole, is a milking machine, and it won't stop until it's got six gallons.

[thejake1453]

Man these are great! there all funny, all of them. let me think of another,

alright this ones pretty stupid,

 

this couple walk into a bar, you think one of them would've ducked

 

heres another

 

this head is getting ready for a swimming tournament so he roles up to the swimming blocks and some one lifts him onto them, when the race starts every one dives into the pool and starts swimming, except for the head who roles in and sinks to the bottom.

After the race they realise the head is at the bottom of the pool so one of them goes in and bring him out.

"what happened?" one of the swimmers asks the head,

"ugh, i got one hell of a cramp"

 

 

Thats more stupid then funny but it may so stupid its funny