Left Behind

[ComputerAngel]

I wonder about myself sometimes. (Wow that doesn't sound too narcissistic does it? ^^: )

I hate how my heart can't let go. There was someone I loved very much. Deep down I knew things were doomed to fail from the start. I knew I wasn't good enough for him and he deserved better. I knew that and yet we clicked in such a scary way that I ignored what my head knew.

I fell in love and boy did I fall hard. Looking back at things I wish I could just write it off as the foolishness of someone still young. But even after things ended painfully and he left me behind I couldn't forget about him. He was the first boy I cried over and truly felt empty over losing. I kept telling myself I was being stupid and that I should just move on, that he didn't want me and I was just clutching to something that would only cause me pain, and yet I couldn't let it go. I couldn't forget my feelings.

I hate that I still can't forget my feelings. Even after so long I'll find myself nonchalantly thinking about him and wandering if he's doing ok, if things are going well and if he's happy. I find myself wanting to talk to him afterwards because I miss him as a friend and as my special someone. Then I laugh at myself humorlessly before reminding myself it's not what he would want. After all he had told me himself before that his former girlfriends had become something akin to stalkers to him after they broke up and I didn't want myself to fall into the same category as them.

I can't help but wonder when I think of him....why can't I forget him? I don't regret loving him. I don't hate that I still love him. It's just.....why can't I let go of the memories of him and move on in life. It's probably what he would want after all but I can't find it in myself to do it. I don't want to get in contact with him again knowing that I'll just fall for him once again and that things will just end badly for me once more. I don't want to bother him anymore. I just wish I could go on in life.

I don't know what I'll do from here on out. I don't know what the future holds for me after all. I can't say for sure what lies ahead, if I'l find love again or happiness or whatever. I just hope that if that time comes, the painful memories I have of him and the urge to talk to him will fade away, becoming nothing more than a fond memory I can look back on. After all I'm almost certain he's forgotten about me already.

Edited April 24, 2016 by ComputerAngel