Fearing a bisexual partner.

[Odile]

snip

 

I understand where you're coming from...especially about shouting it from the rooftops. There's a time and a place for everything, I think, and if you're talking to someone and they're like "I love cheese, it is so delicious" then it probably isn't the right time to be like "Oh hey, let me tell you about my sexual orientation OUT OF NOWHERE!!"

 

But at the same time, if the topic comes up...I can't get behind the idea of lying about it or purposefully witholding the information. Especially if it's like...a date, or something that you would hope would turn into some sort of relationship. It doesn't seem like the best way to start building the foundation of any relationship with another person (romantic, friendship, or whatever). It just seems like if you tell someone and they're like "Omgz, I can't deal with you being bi, I don't want to see you anymore"--then that's probably good that you know they feel that way and would avoid drama that may have cropped up down the road. Relationships are based on trust and communication and all that...If it's part of who you are, then you shouldn't feel the need to not say anything out of fear of losing friends/partners, because if they're going to be a part of your life, you shouldn't have to worry about hiding things.

 

I just...I dunno, does that make sense? :\

Edited August 16, 2011 by Odile

[DeadMansFist849]

Odile, you make perfect sense to me. Far more sense than those saying that one ought to be permanently closeted, for sure.

 

I would never advise somebody to shout hir orientation or gender identity from the rooftops, though. I think, if you live in a situation where being "outed" would be dangerous, then keep as much as possible on a need-to-know basis. Otherwise, you can tell people if it's relevant to the conversation rather than just random and making things all about you--but then, that applies to other things too, like hobbies or your kids, for example. Nobody likes a person who makes everything all about hirself all the time. We call such people "attention seekers", and as I said, nobody likes them.

 

If you disclose your orientation to a potential partner and ze rejects you because of it, that's hir problem and not yours, and you're not a bad person for being bi or refusing to lie about it.

[Deleted472477User]

I always considered myself reserved: I reserve the right to be attracted to anyone regardless of age (normal limits apply), race, gender, or looks. I was without someone in my life--even briefly--for nearly ten years, and then I met my partner, who is lesbian. My outlook has never worried her, and we both always though the whole 'Bi people are sluts or can't decide' rubbish is just that: rubbish. I think for people who identify as gay things go a bit deeper than thinking someone who is bi would cheat with the opposite sex, but I am not sure what it is.

[Dan3345]

Whoever commented above advising you to "just don't tell them" is wrong. I can't even figure out a way to say it gently or politely; it's just...wrong. You should NEVER feel like you have to censor and/or be ashamed of yourself to get another person to like you. Never! Ever!

If I did take a fancy to you, then that was OUR business, I've dated girls who like myself had no intention of blurting out their orientation and today they're married have kids and

have a good reputation in their circles, some of them have married into money etc., and their spouses etc., are none the wiser nor ever will be.

No harm done.

I don't know about you guys, but I would want my spouse/girlfriend to be open with me about that. It's not that I wouldn't trust her, it's that I know when I am put in a position where I can't talk about myself, or express who I am it is upsetting. And to have to hide that hurt is even worse. I wouldn't want it. I would rather be alone, then feel that.

[Nintii]

Whoever commented above advising you to "just don't tell them" is wrong. I can't even figure out a way to say it gently or politely; it's just...wrong. You should NEVER feel like you have to censor and/or be ashamed of yourself to get another person to like you. Never! Ever!

If I did take a fancy to you, then that was OUR business, I've dated girls who like myself had no intention of blurting out their orientation and today they're married have kids and

have a good reputation in their circles, some of them have married into money etc., and their spouses etc., are none the wiser nor ever will be.

No harm done.

I don't know about you guys, but I would want my spouse/girlfriend to be open with me about that. It's not that I wouldn't trust her, it's that I know when I am put in a position where I can't talk about myself, or express who I am it is upsetting. And to have to hide that hurt is even worse. I wouldn't want it. I would rather be alone, then feel that.

 

 

Well Dan3345, that would all depend on the person you're with, and obviously as to whether or not you plan to get serious with that person.

First of all, I'd kind of feel that person out, are they the jealous type, the possesive type, the perverted type etc. ?

 

1) Character type (I'm sure that you can think of more) .

 

If they are the JEALOUS or POSSEIVE type then why give them a ANOTHER reason to suspect you, why add to their already over-active imagination ?

Are'nt you fed up with those types, for crying out loud we've all been there at one time or the other, so why add more misery to your life ?

 

And let's just say for the moment that you have a boyfriend who is the jealous type, for a start he's not going to be thrilled with you hanging out

with or talking to other guys, and NOW that you've gone and told him that Suzie gets your motor running as well lol,

you've just effectively cut off ALL your girlfriends as people to hang out with .......... you're alone.

And don't tell me that you've never really wanted someone so badly that you've gone to extreme measures to keep them, even to the point of being a total ass.

 

The PERVERTED type, hah, the next thing you know they develop a grin so big that if they never had ears they'd smile right around their head, cos it's party time,

uh uh, no, sweet thing it isn't.

 

The next thing you know is that they're setting up a wild weekend, what guy (I'm taking liccense here and generalising) wouldn't like to have two women giving him a

private show ?

 

What if the person is the Religious type and you really want them, or some other type of person that wouldn't take to kindly with you "sharing", but you want that person ?

No, you cannot paint everyone into a box, and expect them to tell everyone they get involved with that they have to "share" or else they're not BEING TRUE TO THEMSELVES

what rubbish.

The way I run my life is my business.

 

For me, as a woman it's as taboo as getting involved with a guy and telling him how many times I've had sex and with whom, it is never done, ever, ever, ever, 100% of the time we

will lie, cos It's none of your business.

Unless you're a female, you WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS.

 

But if you sense that it would be alright to "share" WITH THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH BECAUSE THEY WONT BLOW A GASKET then that's fine.

That would bring me to ask myself the next question.

 

2) How much do I want this person, am I really serious about this girl/guy ?

 

If this is a short fling - you're on holiday (but you're not a sl*t), or if it's a brief encounter, then you're not seriously planning on "telling all" are you ?

Or If you sense that this isn't going to last, then what's the point ?

 

We all go into relationships hoping to get the maximum life out of it, never looking at a possible expiry date ... we want our "love" to last for as long as it can.

And if the person passes the character test and you really want them and your inner feeling is "alright let's do it", then do it, then by all means share all you want.

 

3) Sharing your sexuality

 

In some societies it might not even cause a ripple but in others, it's a tsunami, so it all depends on your circumstances, and we ALL live in various nations and each is unique

in how it handles sexuality, so don't go thinking that it's the same for me as it's for you.

In a nation next to mine a man was suspected of being homosexual and ended up having a steel rod heated to a popint of it glowing red inserted into his anus to "get that stuff out of him".

In my own country, lesbians are raped to "get them right".

As a moslem male or female it would end in your death, so don't be too hard on people because they don't have the freedom to jjump and scream their orientation.

 

This kind of says it all for me, I really don't want to post on this issue anymore.

[Dan3345]

I sort of get what you are saying. It's there business they shouldn't have to share. And no one is forcing them, well I wouldn't be. All I was trying to say was this WITH THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH BECAUSE THEY WONT BLOW A GASKET. That is all. I just would hope who I am with is comfortable enough around me, thats all, not going to force them to tell me everything about them, not going to judge them because they don't. One of my friends just had a horrible break up (I guess horrible because of the way it happened) because he was as you say the jealous type, and always suspected her of something.

 

But it IS there life.. I'm going to leave now because this is sort of off topic.

[crecul]

So that article on the bisexual myths was interesting... although I still believe Freud's theory (to some extent) that all humans are bisexual. we just developer a stronger preference.

 

So I hooked up with a bisexual once. It was strange, beforehand I had never known a bisexual. The desire for both sexes was genuine, but it was for different things. I think you should tell the person when it comes up and if they just have to deal with it and if they can't they can't. I'm not sure I could, knowing that someone I was with had a desire for another sex and something which I couldn't fulfil.

[Michlo]

From a gay feller's perspective:

 

to me it has nothing to do with prejudice. To me it is just how the world works. Like goes with like. I want a gay feller, someone I know has been through a similar journey. I don't want a straight feller for the same reason I don't want a bi feller, their journey was different and can continue being different to mine. That's all it is to me anyway.

 

In the end we all just want to find someone we're compatible with who we can understand, grow and STAY with.

 

Try not to take it so personally, mate.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Edit - Oh and as for Nintii's advice, I find that dreadful. Good relationships are built on openness, honest and integrity. You don't start it off by being misleading.

 

Finally, surely you can understand the fear that bi-sexuality means you won't always be happy with one sex or the other but will need to stray or move on?

[Dan3345]

From a gay feller's perspective:

 

to me it has nothing to do with prejudice. To me it is just how the world works. Like goes with like. I want a gay feller, someone I know has been through a similar journey. I don't want a straight feller for the same reason I don't want a bi feller, their journey was different and can continue being different to mine. That's all it is to me anyway.

 

In the end we all just want to find someone we're compatible with who we can understand, grow and STAY with.

 

Try not to take it so personally, mate.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Edit - Oh and as for Nintii's advice, I find that dreadful. Good relationships are built on openness, honest and integrity. You don't start it off by being misleading.

 

Finally, surely you can understand the fear that bi-sexuality means you won't always be happy with one sex or the other but will need to stray or move on?

exactly my point! Kudos to you sir

[Nintii]

 

Edit - Oh and as for Nintii's advice, I find that dreadful. Good relationships are built on openness, honest and integrity. You don't start it off by being misleading.

 

 

Deliberately misleading someone by deceiving them through the falsification of the truth of who or what you are is bad, but by choosing not to say something at all due to

a number of reasons, one being privacy, you seem to feel is the same thing.

Sounds like another town crier to me lol.

 

I have no intention of posting on this topic anymore, your viewpoint is your own, I'm quite happy with mine, I'm not pushing it off on to you so if you don't like mine then

go tell your mama ... your problem ... cheers.

Edited August 22, 2011 by Nintii