500 things you have learned in Oblivion

[chibimyuutsu]

759. You can hear sigil stones in your pirate ship in Dunbarrow Cove. Edited March 5, 2011 by chibimyuutsu

[SoulofChrysamere]

760. All of the male elves in Oblivion have the same wimpy voice.

 

761. Wraiths are nothing more than old, tattered bedsheets that are angry at the world because they were slept on by big, fat, stinky, sweaty slobs.

 

762. Apparently, the Skingrad jailers don't care if the slop drudges have their own keys and can come and go as they please out of the holding cells area.

 

763. Hamlof Red-Tooth doesn't have red teeth.

 

764. Apparently, Agarmir had enough money to buy his lackey a full suit of high-quality armor, but couldn't afford jack for himself.

 

765. Bolwing's language in the Shivering Isles makes a lot more sense than what most of the other NPC's say.

 

766. Becoming an ascended immortal in the Mythic Dawn cult sucks.

 

767. Orcish Vampires have the freakiest eyes.

 

768. NPC's' intelligence stats may say "brilliant", but their actions say "incredibly stupid".

 

769. Salmo's sweetrolls can bring about world peace.

 

770. "Companion" and "follower" are both synonymous with "clumsy idiot".

 

771. Your idiotic followers will rush headlong into battle against an army of otherworldly beings and automatically make them all suddenly aware of your character that is a master sneak, has heavy chameleon enchantments active, is crouched in complete darkness, and is behind three walls.

 

772. The ogres in Oblivion make Shrek, Fiona, and the babies look bad.

 

773. There are no Daedric or Dwemer ruins in Cyrodiil.

 

774. Skooma is much cheaper in Cyrodiil than in Morrowind.

 

775. Even armors that tear instead of dent such as fur and leather can be repaired with hammers.

 

776. Completely unarmored guards can withstand umpteen times more punishment than your character outfitted with the finest armor in the world can.

 

777. The greatest threat to the Mythic Dawn sleeper agents' hidden identities is the common house burglar.

 

778. A glass dagger is heavier than a steel dagger.

 

779. If your character is an Argonian, 99% percent of all enchanted items you loot from ruins and caves have water breathing enchantments.

 

780. Every mage that decides to become a lich sucks at levitating.

[SoulofChrysamere]

781. In Cyrodiil, it is illegal to use staves for physical combat.

 

782. In Cyrodiil, there is no welfare system.

 

783. In Cyrodiil, there is no life insurance.

 

784. In Cyrodiil, there is no health insurance.

 

785. In Cyrodiil, 5 gold is a fortune.

 

786. Poisoned arrows apparently do not affect meat.

 

787. Horses report themselves stolen.

 

788. You can be standing on top of Dive Rock, super-snipe a citizen of Anvil, and every single guard on the map will rush up to where you are without having any possible way of knowing up were up there.

[riloki]

789. Every arrow you shoot will promptly whisper your exact location (complete with instructions for arriving at said location for the feebleminded) to anyone that finds it buried in their flesh.

 

790. If you use neither magic nor alchemy, you have no chance outside of level 1 vanilla.

 

791. Within 3 seconds of picking up a mortar and pestle for the first time in your life, you will instantaneously learn the mystic nature of every blasted bplant and creature component you will ever encounter... At least a 25% of it anyway.

 

792. FCOM is easy to install, but a right bugger to troubleshoot.

 

793. You are so feebleminded that even at the greatest levels of intellect, you must be guided by the mysterious voices in your head to nigh every goal capable of being achieved.

 

794. Despite this, your photographic memory will prevent you from ever. Ever. forgetting a spell unless the divine ~ god takes pity upon you.

 

795. Despite being perfectly capable of reading, you are illiterate and will remain such for all eternity.

 

796. You are able to comprehend the magical workings of trapping the ephemeral concept of the 'soul' inside a piece of specially prepared rock...

 

797. With no training as per the specifics, you are able to USE these specially prepared rocks to turn a rusty iron dagger into a deadlier weapon than the most powerful enchanted broadsword you would find at random.

 

798. In a similar manner you can combine contradictory magical energies in a way much more efficient and useful than centuries of magical study in the world around you has produced.

 

799. You still can't produce a single sheet of paper capable of creating a mild sensation of annoyance in a mud crab, wheras merchants are able to produce several on the cheap every 73 hours.

 

800. The forces of Creation (Bethesda) are prejudiced against all snipers, stealth-based characters, and thieves. As evidenced by guard detection, and the inability to break combat under all but a select few circumstances without killing or yielding to the opponent in question. Yes, even if they ARE incapable of sentient thought.

 

801. You can brutally tear open a sentient humanoid in cold blood after slaying it, likely still bleeding and wounded yourself, pluck out its still-hot heart.... without removing its armor, getting blood on your hands, or owning a sharp-edged tool.

 

802. Nearly all of the most valuable, rare, "useful" poisons available are utterly useless, including those that drain or damage such crucial skills as endurance, intelligence, and willpower.

 

803. Boromir died to 3 arrows, and was doomed after the first. A redneck unarmored beggar infected with more diseases than a 1990's prostitute will soak up 8 despite you having such mastery over the skill that you could pin a fly to a tree by its wing withotu killing it.

 

804. A shop will never ever ever replace the things stolen from its display stands, nor will they bat an eye if you walk in the next day wearing every single item you stole.

 

805.Endurance is not measured in stones one can throw before becoming tired. It is not the number of papercuts one can acquire before succumbing to the temptation to ball up and whimper. Endurance is measured entirely on a scale of how many seconds you can gargle with listerine.

 

806. The most agile person in tamriel can not dodge an orc blindly swinging a warhammer running in a straight line leeroy jenkins style.

 

807. The community is better at producing bug free and stable content than the games creators, and are capable of doing so in less time than it took said creators in the first place.

 

808. There is in fact a game engine less optimized, buggier, and finicky than the old Source engine.

 

809. For every question there are a million answers. In Tamriel, there are a million questions, and a single answer to all of them.

 

810. Despite that one thieves guild quest, you do not seem to be able to rob tax collectors at any other point in the game.

 

811. Despite being perfectly legal in Cyrodill, encourage and endorsed by every emrchant that sells spells in the game, and in no way mentioned in any major story line as being an enemy, conjurers will happily kill you as quickly and ruthlessly as a necromancer.

 

812. Necromancy is banned in cyrodil, and yet absolutely no one, not a guard, not archmage traven, will question why you are summoning a random skeleton, ghost, or zombie repeatedly.

 

813. The townsfolk of cyrodill are outnumbered in the numbers bordering on Legion by the sentient humanoid creatures that otherwise want them dead. The occupants of every fort, ruin, cave, and camp are so numerous that they will return, fully inhabited, upon the moment a clike strikes the 73rd hour no one has ventured inside.

 

814. Through the use of questionable tactics to kill the largest number of enemies in teh least amount of time without outright cheating, one month of in game dungeon diving will result in more dead than the population of cyrodil's major cities.

 

815. Despite being poisoned with a concoction that is deadlier than 40 arrows to the face, and the utterly horrendous amount of pain that the victim must be in, their veins burning, freezing, and coursing with electricity and pure negative energies, their only thought is to bull rush you, or otherwise spam arrows, rather than seeking help.

 

816. It is impossible to die from blood loss.

 

817. Drinking a health potion before entering battle is a more effetive way to survive the engagement, than drinking it during.

 

818. A potion made of the most rare, mystic and powerful ingrediants in tamriel, being accessed after hours of sweat and labour to craft a potion of healing so pure that only master of the craft could produce is precisely as powerful as beef stew with a few cairne bollete mushrooms tossed in, made by the same alchemist and using the same apparati.

 

819. Just because a merchant displays something does not mean they will ever have it for sale.

 

820. A voice actor's effort in delivering their lines is precisely proportionate with the number of lines they give, the fewer lines resulting in better and more emotional acting. EG. Uriel Septim.

 

821. The Lusty Argonian Maid becomes infinitely less alluring when you remember how every single argonian female sounds exactly like every other argonian female, and on THAT note...

 

822. Every Argonian woman sounds as though they have smoked since birth and their teeth should be the color of a banana peel that's been left in the sun for a week.

 

823. Cyrodil is smaller than most states.

 

824. The Aylieds, revered as more advanced than cyrdil's current inhabitants in nearly all ways, all died out despite having magical powers on levels reasonable of prolonging their own life into eternity.

 

825. It is impossible to turn a profit by means which would, in modern day, be seen as legal.

 

826. Venison is worth less than the arrows cost to acquire it.

 

827. Mastery of a skill seems to indicate the mastery of a skill as would be afforded by a 'jack of all trades' character. For example, a master of sneaking would be presumed to be able to strike as if they were a ghost, ethereal and unseen, impossible to locate and able to hide in any situation. In Oblivion, it simply means you can do a little bit more damage to a single enemy before being required to duke it out barbarian style.

 

828. For every problem you will ever encounter at any time has been documented, analyzed, fixed, forgotten, and rendered a taboo topic. This of course does not apply to newer mods. :sweat:

 

829. A foot long haft of otherworldly metal gleaming with the very blood of the tortured and wracked stone it was mined frommay be unable to kill a rat without another shot.

 

830. When you sleep, the invisible hordes of container stuffers as mentioned earlier hand out steroids to every inhabitant of cyrodil, ensuring that in an unmodded game withotu careful attention, you will actually be turned into swiss cheeese faster, and easier at higher levels.

 

831. Hand to Hand is actually a brawling skill, of the drunken bar-fight sort. Specifically no 'master' of a and to hand combat would punch the platemail some guy is wearing. They'd go for that ugly, unbroken and prominent schnoz that most helmets don't guard. On that note, blocking would be done proactively via grappling and maneuvering the opponent in such a way that they are incapable of striking you.

 

832. On that note, oblivion appears to encourage jack of all trades characters, since specialists suffer lower attribute gains, less combat options, and high probability of realizing just how nerfed the individual mechanics are without shoring each other up in lacking areas.

 

833. Every dirt merchant in morrowind can direct you to the nearest enchanter, but the knowledge of how to perform enchantments in oblivion is so tightly controlled that, bar modding or DLC, there are only three sources for custom enchantments, and all of them are in the same room.

 

Last one from me....

 

834.The reason you aren't allowed to be a Big Bad Villain (become a main bad guy, take over the world, wipe people out, etc.) is because despite level scaling, guards always being able to mop the floor with you, and every skill being individually so weak that mastery over it means nothing, the entire universe revolves around you already. Between that, save game scumming, and the Console God, there'd be no way to stop you.

 

....

 

Well that and the fact that nobody would actually notice they've got a new threat. Heck it takes the imperial city itself being plunged into chaos to get the residents of THAT CITY to go 'oh crap' and after that, it's mentioned in passing only. Usually in conjunction with mudcrabs and/or goblins.

[GodKingVivec]

835-The Uderfrykte forgot how to fight with severed body parts. Edited March 7, 2011 by GodKingVivec

[soulknightX]

836. trolls don't look like trolls specially the ones we had when we were kids

837. you can be a very famous actor and yet your character in a Bethesda game will be killed one way or another

838. sneak attacking shooting an orc in the back of the head just to see his head bounce off a tree before falling to the ground is=epic LOL

839. No matter what you did, some NPC's will talk to the PC like he/she aint nothing but s***

840. there are also no chickens in Oblivion

841. sometimes your horse is more murderous than you are

842. you can raid 3 dungeons/caves and yet might not even gain a level

843. you can catch yourself on fire but not start a fire

844. no matter if your strength is over 100 you still can't carry a 2H weapon in 1H

845. PC versions of games is sometimes if not better than the Console versions

846. Highway Khajit always wants you to pay gold never demand you give up all your stuff (i think)

847. knowing that one of your parents is a vampire makes someone you hardly even know kill you in front of hundreds of people without you putting up a fight

[GodKingVivec]

848-Get out of Ulrich Leland's way or he'll have you slapped in irons.

849-Eating and or cooking of filet of rat in cream sauce with powdered deer penis is frowned upon in Leyawiin.

850-Magic arrows are so magic that they are only created by a secret society of invisible leprechauns from deep beneath the Earths crust and when used they come out of the ground and take them back to their underground city.

851-Fo'c'sle is short for forecastle and the owner of this establishment has a kinky fetish sleeping with (not "sleeping with") guys of all races who smell of sea salt and fish guts.

852-Argonian maids are perfect spear polishers.

853-Fimmion love sweeeeeeeetroooooollllll O.O

Edited March 9, 2011 by GodKingVivec

[willsy]

1. the richest person in the game dorian

2.mankar cameron is a git

[SoulofChrysamere]

848. Blood makes good bloodworks paint.

 

849. Orsinium (where the Orcs come from) has no dentists.

 

850. The invisible container fillers mentioned before also replace all of the monsters and criminals inside of the ruined forts and Ayleid ruins every three days.

[GodKingVivec]

1. the richest person in the game dorian

2.mankar cameron is a git

 

 

848. Blood makes good bloodworks paint.

 

849. Orsinium (where the Orcs come from) has no dentists.

 

850. The invisible container fillers mentioned before also replace all of the monsters and criminals inside of the ruined forts and Ayleid ruins every three days.

854-YOU GUYS ARE SCREWING UP THE ORDER!!!!!!! Youre gonna confuse people!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited March 11, 2011 by GodKingVivec