Hail the beginner

[loveme4whoiam]

This is my first post in this forum, since generally i avoid poetry and that sort of thing. However, a while back i wrote out the spur-of-the-moment poem which i am going to give to me girlfriend. Frankly, i'm not sure if its any good, so i thought i'd run it past you guys first. So, here goes...

 

Spanish Night

 

The Spanish Night has great beauty,

But it compares not to you.

Your skin is softer than the light of

A moon full-waxed.

Your hair holds both the

Unending blackness of space, and

The dazzling light of the Sun.

But these are but preludes to the main act.

For your eyes sparkle brighter than

All the stars of the sky,

For they shine with the light of spectacular qualities;

Stunning intelligence,

Amusing wit,

And a shyness that would have you admit to none of it.

 

Indeed, the Spanish Night holds much beauty,

But it holds not a candle,

Or a star, to you.

 

 

So what do you think? Be (brutally) honest...

[Malchik]

This is my first post in this forum, since generally i avoid poetry and that sort of thing.  However, a while back i wrote out the spur-of-the-moment poem which i am going to give to me girlfriend.  Frankly, i'm not sure if its any good, so i thought i'd run it past you guys first.  So, here goes...

 

Spanish Night

 

The Spanish Night has great beauty,

But it compares not to you.

Your skin is softer than the light of

A moon full-waxed.

Your hair holds both the

Unending blackness of space, and

The dazzling light of the Sun.

But these are but preludes to the main act.

For your eyes sparkle brighter than

All the stars of the sky,

For they shine with the light of spectacular qualities;

Stunning intelligence,

Amusing wit,

And a shyness that would have you admit to none of it.

 

Indeed, the Spanish Night holds much beauty,

But it holds not a candle,

Or a star, to you.

 

 

So what do you think?  Be (brutally) honest...

She'd be hard to please if she didn't like it. It seems to me a very good example of it's kind with nice imagination and touched with genuine feeling.

 

I'd make three small changes

 

'But these are but preludes to the main act'

 

You don't want two buts, the second could be 'mere' or could be omitted. Also 'the main act' has a faintly sexual connotation that I don't think you intend.

 

'But these are as mere preludes to a play' or something similar might work better.

 

Two of the next three lines begin 'for'. You could delete the second without any loss. If you need the extra syllable put in 'your' before spectacular.

 

Lastly I'm not sure of the adjectives you use in the next couple of lines. There is much that is romantic about the poem and the words 'stunning' and 'amusing' seem a little cliched (perhaps also 'spectacular'). You could omit the first two and perhaps find an extra quality to praise instead. Her compassion, sincerity, honesty, honour, humanity whatever.

 

(BTW all my plays go through a writing group so I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. Please view my remarks as suggestions for 'polishing' a good piece, nothing more.)

[thanateros]

Not bad at all.

 

Malchik's advice is a good jumping off point, but I've found that the best editing for poetry comes from yourself. Every once in a while revisit the poem, read it 4 or 5 times and see if it still carries the same effect that you want as when you first wrote it. Also, don't be affraid to trim it down; my best piece of poetry is no more than 9 lines, it's all about how you use words.

 

The atmosphere of the poem (to be romantic and uplifting I would assume) comes through nicely, though I struggle a little with the part that describes the darkness unending space: it seems to create a sense of emotional emptiness in contrast to the sun which is bursting with emotion (again this is just my interpretation). For me at least I get the feeling as though these emotional opposites are fighting each other. Instead you could portray the sun in two aspects; the sun itself and how the sun sheds light on things.

 

But those are just some observations. Like I said, the best editor of poetry is going to be yourself, just persistently read the poem and see if there are unexplored ways of saying the same thing but using different words.

 

Good luck.

[Tygr]

I dable in poetry here and there myself, and even have one published in a book with many others written by people besides me. In my opinion, the poem is great, though I agree with Malchik and thaneteros on the changes. Other than that, I have no suggestions of my own. Good luck.

[loveme4whoiam]

Thanks guys. The reason i posted it on here was to get comments likes these so that when i do read it to her, it'll be the best it can be. I'm going to edit this post later on to include the poem re-written. Thanks for now guys :D .