Oblivion story!!!

[MooseTail]

Hello,

I'm currently writing a story based off of Oblivion. I'm new to this stuff, so don't hate! :dance:

It's about a Dark elf named Derac who has been sentenced to prison for getting revenge on someone, and he has to go through obstacles. I only wrote the first chapter so far, so here it is if you want to read it. The Sheathed Blade

 

If you're lazy to click the link, I'll put it in the post right here!

 

(Authors note: If you’ve played The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, you will get this story, if you haven’t you might have trouble reading it.)

 

As my shackles streak the stone floor, with a haunting noise like a dog being put down. My feet, sore and dragged as of how tired I am. I’m being sent to fight against my will, for what I have done. My name is Derac, I’m a 32 year old Dark Elf that is either sentenced to 25 years of prison, or just fight to my death at the arena in Imperial City then I can be free. I chose to be free and fight, but the big question is why I’m being sent to do this. Well I kind of broke a few crimes here and there, and got revenge on someone. All added up to about 25 years in prison I guess. Now they’re facing me against some of the other prisoners that had the same fate as me, or most likely an arena combatant.

 

As I walk up to the gate and get a shitty rusted iron sword handed to me and the guards iron polearm pointing at my back, forcing me to not move at all or to walk forward like a herd of cattle. All I am now is someones pet, and it’s give me severe nostalgia, along with feeling homesickness to be like this. I miss the times I had when I was a free man and lived in the city. The city was named Bravil, the most poorest city in all of Cyrodill. Most people who live here are either Skooma dealers, or Skooma drug addicts. Skooma is a sort of an illegal drug here in Tamrial. I’m neither of them, I only live in this dump because I have no job, and no money.

 

Comes to the conclusion of what I had to do to live, and that was crime. I didn’t make friends, if I had friends it would probably be inn keeper at the Lonely Suitor Lodge. But we’re not friends at all, more like acquaintances. He’d give me rooms up to 60% off, which was good for me. All of my memories in the past hit me like a train, and all of my flashbacks appeared in until the announcer started talking.

 

“Good people of the Imperial City, welcome to the Arena!”

 

“It look’s like the yellow team has pulled a criminal act, by using a Dark Elf prisoner!”

 

“If however the prisoner wins against the Blue teams fiercest warrior, he shall be free of his crimes!”

 

At least he didn’t make me sound like a fool.

 

“Good people, I give you an addition to the Blue Team’s latest Champion! A warrior with strength, courage, and devotion to his fans. I give you, Dragonheart!”

 

The crowd cheers so loud I try to urge my way to cover my ears, but it resulted in getting stabbed in the back. I can see how the name, and courage tie with each other. From what I’m seeing they’re giving me a rusty iron sword and I’m up against someone with leather bracers. So It’s sword vs hand to hand. I think I might win.

 

“Llllower the gates!” Shouted the announcer.

 

It caught me off guard, and the guard behind me pushed me out there and made a barrier so I couldn’t escape, leaving me in shredded clothes and a sword. I look up as I got from being pushed on the ground and I was staring at death right at it’s face. He was charging at me faster than two Skooma addicts running from the Imperial Legion.

 

I try to urge myself up as fast as I can, with speed, and swing my sword up for him to come up to me. I stop for a second to take a glance at him. He looks like a Nord, your typical Nord. Long blonde hair, muscles the size of Akatosh, and a fierce fighter. From all that thinking I think I got carried away, he knocks me on the ground with force, I lay on the ground with out my sword gasping for air. He recovers from his charge and walks over to me and picks me up by the neck, and starts wailing on me. The crowd goes crazy over this blood shed. Finally after my nose being broken, and blood spilling everywhere with intense pain he gives me a weird grin and throws me on the ground. Walking around the arena boosting the crowds morale while I’m staggering to get up, better yet staggering to breathe. Finally I came to my conclusion, I’m not going to be a pathetic punching bag, and a laugh out. I staggered my way up, and took a glimpse at my sword, then looked at the Nord. I had a good shot I thought. The only way he could evade me with that sword is blocking with those leather bracers. I had a plan.

 

I ran over to the sword, but more like limping to it. Picked it up and turned around to look at the Nord. He was still being a suck up to the crowd, making them cheer for him. I picked myself up, and gathered my anger, strength, and determination, and I charged at the Nord.

 

To be continued…

 

 

Critiques are welcomed!

[Rennn]

Probably not what you want to hear, but while it has potential some words are used awkwardly.

 

For example:

"I try to urge myself up as fast as I can, with speed..."

 

The "with speed" isn't necessary and it breaks the flow of the sentence. Instead of "I try to urge myself up as fast as I can", consider a variation with fewer adjectives and more strong verbs. Things like "roughly", "weakly", "sadly", etc are just clutter words that the reader skips anyway, and should only be used very rarely. Replace as many adjectives as you can with strong verbs like "smashed me to the ground" instead of "knocked me to the ground with force."

 

Another thing to practice is showing the reader, rather than telling the reader. When you tell the reader you break immersion and it leaves the story weaker. This is an example of telling:

"Anon was very sad about the death of his wife."

 

When you show the reader, the scene is described in a way that makes the reader feel like a part of the events rather than just an observer. This is an example of the same scene:

"Anon tore at his hair. His vision blurred and a choked sob tore itself free from his throat."

 

Ideally, you don't want to just describe the scene. You want to have the characters take action in a way that shows their emotions.

 

Having said that, this is much better than many people's stories. You stuck close enough to actual events from Oblivion that the reader will easily make a connection, but you added enough content of your own to keep the story interesting to people who have already played the game. You'd be surprised by how many authors of Oblivion stories consider it their duty to recount the game exactly as it happened, word for word, and it's just plain boring when people do that.

 

Keep writing and you'll get better with practice. Eventually you'll automatically know when something is written awkwardly or when it can be improved.

Edited July 5, 2012 by Rennn

[MooseTail]

Thanks! That means a lot to me!

I'll try and not make it as run on as possible.

[Carmelpoptart]

Now i'll feel bad whenever im doing a battle in the arena that involves prisinors. Good story so far, though.

[bben46]

We do have a place for stories (fanfic) I'll move this there for you. (Druids Garden Forums) There you will find others who write similar stuff, as well as help on your writing. :thumbsup:

[MooseTail]

We do have a place for stories (fanfic) I'll move this there for you. (Druids Garden Forums) There you will find others who write similar stuff, as well as help on your writing. :thumbsup:

Woops! Sorry about that, and my next post for it will be there. Thank you.