Pack Rat Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Wanderer His tears whirl down the scars.No will left, no purpose to fulfil.Carrying the pain, ignoring the wound. He walks alone, mile after mileHe will not love, nor does he careHis heart long drowned in grief Seeking the tide, the change of allHe awaits Him, longing for Him to comeHe reaches for the scythe, the ending of all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malchik Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Pack Rat, has some tremendous tragedy just befallen you - a split with a girl perhaps? Your poems are imbued with death and all-encompassing change without the breath of hope. Nothing wrong with them for that of course. But - mmmm - what's going on in the psyche? I particularly like this one but have two comments. Grammatically I would suggest a change to line 6. The lack of punctuation between lines 5 and 7 make this ambiguous. If the gap after line 6 implies a hiatus in thought process the 6th line might be better shortened to 'his heart long drowned in grief'. (meaning the reason he does not care that he will no longer love is that his heart has already died with grief) I would also think about the words 'awaiting', 'awaits', and 'waiting' in the last verse. Deliberate repetition to create a mood is helped if the words are used in the same format. E.g Awaiting the tide, the change of allAwaiting Him, awaiting His coming Alternatively you might want to change one or two of them. You could use this to enhance the mood of despair with words like 'searching, longing, yearning for' etc though you must pick your own. E.g Seeking the tide, the change of allHe awaits Him, longing for him to come etc As I say, find your own words. I hope you find these comments useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pack Rat Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 No, no tragedy, no girl ( first need to find one before you can lose her :lol: )No, I just like to write this way. I just dont find joy in writing little happy bed-time poems. Cant really explain why :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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