Ihoe Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 hehehe, these are some funny jokes I found: 1.There is a boy called Simon, and he goes to dad to ask him what politics is. His dad replies ok, and says, "I earn all the money so I will be know as capitalism. Your mum spends all the money so she will be known as the government. Your brother is small so he will be known as the future, and the nanny works for us so she will be known as the working class. Come back when you understand what politics is.' That night, Simon wakes up in the middle of the night. He goes to his brother's room and he has pooed his pants. He goes to his mum's room and she is asleep, and then he goes to the nanny's room and his dad is screwing the nanny. The next day he goes to his dad and says, "I figured out what politics is. The future's in crap, the government's asleep, and capitalism is screwing the working class!" hehehe 2.George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talkhe offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is."Billy.""And what is your question, Billy?""I have 3 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess.George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right questiontime. Who has a question?"Another little boy puts up his hand.George points him out and asks him what his name is."Steve""And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?And fifth, what the f*#k happened to Billy?" 3.Donald Rumsfeld went into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war."I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today." Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, "Three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers." He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office. When Bush calmed down a little, he turned to %&$! Cheney and said, "%&$!, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wasder Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 What does Mr Kipling do when he gets home?Fills his tarts with cream Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Customer Support Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?Male customer: Hello... I can't print.Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates ya know. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red...Tech support: Do you have a color printer?Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.Customer: OKTech support: Did the keyboard come with you?Customer: YesTech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? =============== Customer: I can't get on the Internet.Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?Customer: Netscape.Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you?Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.Tech support: Are you running it under windows?Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."Customer: I don't have a P.Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.Customer: What do you mean?Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he ally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Misunderstanding... One day, two hunters went out for a day of hunting. Suddenly, one of the men falls to the ground and his eyes roll back into his head. The other man whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. After he explains his situation and asks what to do, the man on the other end calmly replies, "It's okay, we'll get through this. First of all, check to make sure your friend is dead." The man puts the phone down, and a moment later a gun shot is heard. The man picks up the phone again. "Okay, now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wasder Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he ally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! April 6th is my birthday! Man goes to a pharmacist, and asks for 100 condoms. The woman at the desk says "That's a lot of condoms! F(_)ck me!" so the man says "OK, 101 then please". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he ally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! April 6th is my birthday! Man goes to a pharmacist, and asks for 100 condoms. The woman at the desk says "That's a lot of condoms! F(_)ck me!" so the man says "OK, 101 then please".hehehe... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Three WishesA bear and a rabbit meet in the woods. A genie pops up in between them, and to be fair, decides to grant them each three wishes. The bear says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were females." And the genie grants the wish. The rabbits first wish is for the fastest motorcycle in the world with an endless tank of gas. The motorcycle appears in front of him. The bear thinks, "what a stupid wish," but excited for his own, wishes that all the bears in the next forsest over are females. The genie grants his wish. The rabbit wishes for a helmet and gets it. The bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the world are females!" And the genie grants his final wish. The genie turns to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit puts on his helmet and starts up his bike. As he rides away he shouts "I wish the bear to be gay!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans 1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur? And last but definitely not least 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know thetruth, you're just jealous.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ihoe Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 PresidentsThree presidents--Carter, Clinton, and G.W. Bush--were on a plane. President Carter opens the hatch and throws out a hundred dollar bill, and says "I just saved a family." President Bush opens the hatch and throws out two hundred dollar bills and says "I just saved two families." President Clinton looks at both of them, opens the hatch, and throws out President Bush, and says "I just saved the world." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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