Jokes

[Ihoe]

The Shooting

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were tried and found guilty for murder. Their punishment was to be lined up and shot as a form of execution. The plan was to shoot the brunette first, followed by the redhead and then the blonde. With all the guns pointed at the burnette, the commander said, "Ready, aim..." but the burnette shouted, "Tornado!" and every one freaked and the burnette escaped. When it was the redhead's turn to be shot the commander again said, "Ready, aim..." and this time the Redhead said, "Hurricane!" Every one freaked out again and the redhead escaped. At last it was time for the blonde to die so the commander gave the command again, 'Ready, aim..." and the clever little blonde shouted, "fire!"

[Ihoe]

Magic Mirror

 

There was a magic mirror and if you lied to it you disappeared.

 

A redhead went up to it and said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world," and she disappeared.

Then a brunette went up to it and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," and she disappeared.

Finally a blonde girl went up to it and said, "I think..." and disappeared.

[Ihoe]

Construction Destruction

A blonde guy, Mexican guy, and Irish guy, were all sitting on a scaffold next to a tall building eating lunch. The Mexican guy says, " If I have 1 more burrito for lunch, I will jump to my death." The Irish guy says, "If I have 1 more cabbage roll I will jump to my death." The blonde guy says, "If I have 1 more bologna sandwich, I will jump to my death." The next day the Mexican guy opens his lunchbox and sees a burrito so he jumps to his death. The Irish guy opens his lunchbox and sees a cabbage roll so he jumps to his death. The blonde guy opens his lunchbox and sees a bologna sandwich so he jumps to his death. At the funeral,the three wives were standing around the tombstones. The Mexican guy's wife says, "If I'd known he disliked burritos so much, I would have made him a taco instead." The Irish guy's wife says, "If I'd known he disliked cabbage rolls so much, I would have made him corned beef and cabbage instead." The blonde guy's wife said, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."

[Ihoe]

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead In Heaven

 

 

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

 

God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven."

 

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.

 

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell.

 

The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first joke!"

[Ihoe]

Doors And Doors

There were three blondes who were trapped in a huge dark room that contains only one door. A loud voice coming from the roof said "There is no electricity in this house, no lamps, nothing. You have to go through that door or die. The door read the word caution and one blonde said you cant make me go through this door!! Then she got torn apart by two chainsaws and without question the blondes ran through the door.

Now there was a green door and a red door, and they both went in the red door.

Then there was a black door, a blue door, and a pink door, they went through the black door.

Then there was a steel door and a wooden door, they both went into the steel door.

Then a small door and a large door, they went through the small door.

Now they were in a huge room containing a rope, a sharp knife, and an electric chair. The voice coming from the roof said, "How do you want to die, with an electric chair, a rope, or a sharp knife?"

 

One of the blondes said "I want to die with a knife!"

 

The other one said, "I want to be killed with the rope!"

 

A few moments later, after the blondes were dead, the voice said to himself, "I did tell them there was no electricity in the house, didn't I?"

[Ihoe]

Chicken

 

A homeless man is walking out of a supermarket when he notices a woman walking to her car.

He walks over and says, "scuse' me ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have some chickens in your shopping cart. If I guess how many chickens you have in there, might I have one?"

The woman laughs and says, "If you can guess how many chickens I have in here, I'll give you both of them!"

[Ihoe]

How To Confuse A Blonde

Q:How do you confuse a dumb blonde?

A:Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: how does a blonde confuse you?

A: she shows you the corner.

[jaysus]

:thanks: :biggrin:

[Ihoe]

:thanks: :biggrin:

you're welcome. I'll be back with more jokes tomorrow...

[Ihoe]

Labor Pains

 

A man drove his pregnant wife to the hospital to have their child delivered. As they came in, the doctors explained that they had a new technology which allowed some of the labor pains to be transferred to the father of the child to make things easier on the mother during delivery. Quickly agreeing, they hooked the woman up to the machine and set it for 10%. Soon after, the delivery began. The woman immidiately felt pain, but her husband felt nothing. "Crank it up," he said, for he could take much more than this. So they cranked it up to 25%, but still he could not feel anything. "Are you sure this is working?" he asked the doctors, but his wife was noticing some relief and therefore it had to be working. "Turn it up some more," he insisted, and the kept turning it up, first to 50%, then 75%, then finally 100%. The baby was born and the man didn't feel a thing. They drove home that night, as happy as they'd ever been in their lives. When they arrived home, however, the husband got out of the car only to trip over something on the ground. "Honey!" he yelled, "Why is the postman lying dead in the driveway?"