Girlfriend issues?

[MartyP]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We are both 19. We met when we were 16 and in high school. For the first year or so things were amazing. We spent a lot of time together. I come from a very stable, solid Lutheran home and have a great relationship with my family.

 

She is the opposite. Her family is full of drugs, turmoil, and deceit. She lived with her aunt and uncle who were mentally abusive since she was young. For years she took a lot of crap from them and they basically ruined her self-esteem.

 

Enter me. She had been in a long term relationship (2 years) with a boy in high school whom she didn’t like very much. We had been introduced by a mutual friend and had started talking online while she was still dating her previous boyfriend. She had already wanted to break up with him when I met her and after talking to her for a few days she finally did it. After that we were basically already going out. Although it was about a month before it was official. We dated very happily for a while, we had minor problems in our relationship just like everyone else does but we always worked through them. About six months in we realized we were in love and had sex for the first time. I had already lost my virginity (albeit I’ve regretted the circumstances of that ever since it happened.) and I took hers. We’d had a great time for a while after that and have been very close since the beginning.

 

Then I decided to enlist in the Marine Corps. When I did this she became very worried. I basically helped her overcome a lot of her self-esteem issues and built her up and she was terrified that I was leaving her for so long in the Marines. After lots of long talks and reassurances, we worked things out and she said she would stay with me no matter what, and I with her. However this was in early December of 2012. My ship date was in May 2012. She started to get more and more clingy and attached to me in those months which is certainly understandable. However, I am very much an introvert, and if you didn’t know, introverts don’t do well without having their space. I understood why she was doing this, but much to my chagrin, it got on my nerves after a little while and things became strained. Fights became more often and things were difficult. We always got through them though. At the same time, her family was continuing to psychologically abuse her and I was getting increasingly nervous about my upcoming time in the military. However, we both loved each other very much. We continued dating.

 

I had invested my entire life into the Marine Corps. I planned out everything according to that. I was very patriotic, and while I was scared, I was also totally looking forward to it. I loved my country and wanted to serve it and based almost every aspect of my life around preparing and immersing myself in the thought. Well, eventually my ship date rolled around (On mother’s day lol. O the irony.). I left for boot camp. Boot camp is naturally pretty shocking for just about everyone. I was no exception but I got through it ok until I caught a bad case of pneumonia that I couldn’t kick. Long (VERY LONG) story short, the pneumonia got bad, and I was diagnosed with asthma and sent home. I wasn’t really the same after that. I became depressed. Everything I had been planning my life around pretty much since I was a small kid was yanked out from under me and it hit me pretty hard. The entire time I was gone, my girlfriend and I were sending each other very loving, passionate letters. Everything about our relationship was perfect.

 

After I had been home for a week things started to go south though. I was still dealing with depression, and things started to decline farther for my girlfriend at home. As well as that another guy started ‘hunting’ her. Things became strained with my girlfriend again. This guy who was hunting her was into a lot of the same things that she was, however she didn’t like him in any romantic capacity, and I know that to be a fact. She only liked him as a friend albeit, a lot. However, he was constantly saying suggestive things to her and I was getting quite irritated about it because she wouldn’t stop talking to him even though we talked about it multiple times, since it was extremely disrespectful to me. She would stop talking to him for small periods and would always resume talking to him again. One of the problems was that even though I know she still loved me, I was unintentionally distancing myself from her because of my depression. I was pretty lost at that time and it was reflecting on my day-to-day life. However, even though I didn’t always show it, I was still very much in love with her.

 

After a few more months of this, our relationship had grown uneasy. We both definitely loved each other 100% but, life was getting in the way. Then she got kicked out of her house by the psychos that effectively raised her. I went to help her move out very faithfully and stood up to her family whenever they slighted her. I defended her, and I did my best to help her through that time, even though like I said, I was unintentionally distancing myself from her. She had to move back into the house where she grew up as a small child where there were many drugs and bad influences. She always stayed clean and didn’t ever have any interest in touching the drugs (heroin) or anything of that nature, not even alcohol. We continued, and we were basically happy even though things were becoming more and more difficult during that time due to the fact that we were both going through pretty hard times and having our own issues. The important thing is that we still very genuinely loved each other.

We had the most real, and honest relationship that I could ever describe to you. However, that hunter that I previously mentioned to you was still talking to her. I tried to let it go because I didn’t want to be controlling, however some times I couldn’t help myself and asked her to stop talking to him. And she would. For about a week. However, I never doubted her faithfulness to me. It just hurt me that she didn’t seem to care that this was so disrespectful and mean to me. Things got progressively hairier. Like I keep stating, we always loved each other and there was no infidelity.

Then the owner of the house she was living in died. She was very close with him as he was the one family member in her life that had stayed consistently kind to her for her entire life. This was devastating for her, however, I did my best to help her through it. Sometimes I don’t know if I was just saying the wrong things, but she would get upset with me sometimes and not want to talk to me about certain things anymore. I wanted nothing more than to make her happy, but for some reason, perhaps due to the distancing, it wasn’t working. Keep in mind that this entire time, my depression had actually been getting worse as well. In the middle of the fall of 2012, she moved out of the dead man’s house and into her other relatives’ apartment down in a very large city. I live in the suburbs of this city as did she her whole life. So now, we were still very much in love, but due to college and other things, I wasn’t getting to see her as much anymore.

 

However, we still made it work. We were still in love. However, the distancing had gotten even worse. As much as I hated it, I was having trouble communicating with her, and she was still going through a very hard time because of all the turmoil that she’d been experiencing. Things have slowly deteriorated since then. She had been becoming more and more bitter towards me, saying that I didn’t care or make any effort to come see her. Things did look bad from her perspective, however I explained to her time and time again that I was just very busy (I was!) with school and homework. I have taken an 18 credit hour semester at school and so I usually didn’t have time to go out to the city. I slowly became more and more focused on my school, unintentionally shutting out most people around me including my friends and family. However, I didn’t realize this until a few days ago. We were still very much in love however. I didn’t know what I was doing and I’d snap out of it sometimes and make her happy.

However many times in retrospect, I guess I just seemed distant. She was getting increasingly bitter and unhappy with how things were going even though she loved me very much. Soon however, I loved you turned into “Why don’t you ever talk to me?” And even though I was trying my best to, I was so focused on school and still so depressed that I never realized how hard things must have been for her. Due to the bitterness and my lack of accurate reflection on the whole situation (which is one of the reasons that I’ve taken the time to write this out.) I thought that things just weren’t working between us because we were too different or something. I didn’t want to feel that way, because I still loved her very much, but at the time it seemed like the only explanation.

 

Last week, I was working on school work one day when I got a text message from her saying that she was going to hang out with the hunter. He was going to come downtown and go to an art museum with her. I was trying to be positive and keep an open mind so I said that I didn’t mind. I figured I’d give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know if I’ve been clear on this thus far, but even though we had grown distanced, we still communicated most of the day every day through texting. Just felt like I had to include that. Anyway, so she has a lot of fun at the art museum with the hunter. I’m happy for her because she needed to get out a little more often. Things had been getting pretty bad last week and we had talked about breaking up. However it never happened.

 

Then last Thursday (March 14th), she told me she had feelings for the hunter. I later learned that that was a ploy to get me to pay more attention to her, apparently. I couldn’t hack it. I’d been having problems with her and the hunter for over a year. That in combination with the fact that I discovered that she had been holding his hand, as well as what I had been thinking that we needed to break up for other reasons finally pushed me over the top. I broke up with her on Friday (in person). I did it both because I cared about her and knew she was unhappy and for myself. It was extremely rough and to make things stick with her I had to say some mean things that weren’t even true in order for her to be upset enough to accept the breakup. Saturday night at about 10, she begged me to get back together with her and I said no. I wasn’t mean at all on Saturday, but I was firm.

 

Over the past 48 hours, I realized a lot of things. I realized how unintentionally distanced that I’d become. I realized my depression and how to get around it, and what most hit home with me was just how much I loved my girlfriend. I realized that I would literally do anything for her. So Sunday, I called her and tried to get her back.

 

I was refused. It was too soon and I had been too mean according to her, plus even though before it was just for show, now she thought that she really did like the hunter. I later found out that she had gone to the hunter’s house after the breakup and cuddled with him (and who knows what else-cuddling was all that she admitted) for most of the night. He’s been Mr. Nice Guy in her ear after mean old me broke up with her. (Can you smell the resentment that I have for this douche?) The hunter is very manipulative, and he saw his chance and he seized it. He seized her. He had been after this for a year. However, I kept and open dialogue with my (ex?)girlfriend going. And I’ve been talking to her and promising her the world (and I really mean it. I haven’t felt this alive in a long time.). However, she said to me that she has feelings for the hunter now but still loves me. She said that he is interested in all the same things that she is and is nice to her and pays attention to her.

 

My sister says that he’s just a rebound and it will end quickly, but it really hurts my feelings and pride that she could jump to him so quickly after having been with me for so long. I thought that what we had was more special than that. I don’t know if this means that she doesn’t respect me or what. I do know though that I love her more than anything and want more than anything to get her back and to fix everything and start over. I know that I can make it happen on my end. I just don’t know if I should be putting up with this that she’s pulling with the hunter or not. I don’t know how to win her back or even if winning her back is a good idea. I know that that’s what I want to do, but I don’t know if that would be what is best. Can anyone please give me some advice? Also if you read that entire thing, you deserve an award. It is four and a half pages in Microsoft Word.

[ViaFernandez]

Okay wow. As for advice, Give everything time. Weather its just a ruse or not with this "hunter", Want her back? She has to make that decision herself. Accept if she doesn't go back to you. You never ever hold anyone's heart. Be there when she needs you, whatever happens. It doesn't mean she doesn't respect you after all you've done for her. Love doesn't have to expect love. Please give her your full understanding as she's already damaged by her parents and her environment. Go on with your life.

[MartyP]

Okay wow. As for advice, Give everything time. Weather its just a ruse or not with this "hunter", Want her back? She has to make that decision herself. Accept if she doesn't go back to you. You never ever hold anyone's heart. Be there when she needs you, whatever happens. It doesn't mean she doesn't respect you after all you've done for her. Love doesn't have to expect love. Please give her your full understanding as she's already damaged by her parents and her environment. Go on with your life.

 

Thanks haha, but easier said than done. You really think there's nothing else that I can do? Do you think that it's fair that I'm already being compared to "the hunter" by her?

[ViaFernandez]

hop on over to my thread MartyP. She may feel that you're the only one to be compared with.

[gaminggriffin]

I'm pretty sure this is the plot of a movie, i'm not sure, but the "hunter" seem's a bit... out of the ordinary, but I could be wrong

[ViaFernandez]

Yes you could be. You never know.

[MartyP]

I'm pretty sure this is the plot of a movie, i'm not sure, but the "hunter" seem's a bit... out of the ordinary, but I could be wrong

 

Well, if this IS a movie, I've never seen it. Although I'm sure it would have some insight that I sorely am missing right now.

[Werne]

Well, things went downhill for you now, didn't they? Or so you think right now, you'll think more clearly in a while.

 

Anyhow, as far as I understand you joined the army, they sent you home cause you have asthma and you get depressed. And your relationship went to hell due to your depression, you used school to suppress your depressive thoughts which in turn made you neglect her. Then when she tried to make you jealous by claiming she likes a guy in the friendzone, you dumped her. Then you wanted back but she says the friendzone guy is now replacing you. :mellow:

 

You want my advice? Get drunk first, think while you're hungover, your thoughts will be much clearer then. :thumbsup:

 

Anyway, In my experience with women, a woman that passes to another guy that fast is either screwing with your mind (wants to manipulate you, most likely that) or a skank. There is also a strong possibility that you are just mistaking love for something else (you wouldn't be the first). :unsure:

 

Aside from that, you've been at eachother's throats for months which, in my opinion, shows that you two are not "compatible". I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we only had one actual fight (we had a good reason) which we resolved in a few hours. And, as always, it was my fault. :rolleyes:

 

Judging from what I've read in your post, she has every right to dump you and you have every right to dump her. In a situation like that, the breakup is the best thing to do. Just... don't do anything about it for a while, no matter how bad it feels. If you still want her back after 4-5 months, then you can go and try to get her back. But if you fail at it, there are cca 3 500 000 000 women in the world or as people would say, plenty of fish in the sea. :happy:

Edited March 19, 2013 by Werne

[gaminggriffin]

Well, things went downhill for you now, didn't they? Or so you think right now, you'll think more clearly in a while.

 

Anyhow, as far as I understand you joined the army, they sent you home cause you have asthma and you get depressed. And your relationship went to hell due to your depression, you used school to suppress your depressive thoughts which in turn made you neglect her. Then when she tried to make you jealous by claiming she likes a guy in the friendzone, you dumped her. Then you wanted back but she says the friendzone guy is now replacing you. :mellow:

 

You want my advice? Get drunk first, think while you're hungover, your thoughts will be much clearer then. :thumbsup:

 

Anyway, In my experience with women, a woman that passes to another guy that fast is either screwing with your mind (wants to manipulate you, most likely that) or a skank. There is also a strong possibility that you are just mistaking love for something else (you wouldn't be the first). :unsure:

 

Aside from that, you've been at eachother's throats for months which, in my opinion, shows that you two are not "compatible". I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we only had one actual fight (we had a good reason) which we resolved in a few hours. And, as always, it was my fault. :rolleyes:

 

Judging from what I've read in your post, she has every right to dump you and you have every right to dump her. In a situation like that, the breakup is the best thing to do. Just... don't do anything about it for a while, no matter how bad it feels. If you still want her back after 4-5 months, then you can go and try to get her back. But if you fail at it, there are cca 3 500 000 000 women in the world or as people would say, plenty of fish in the sea. :happy:

Agreed, plenty of fish in the sea.

[Korodic]

Were you not a hunter yourself? In a way, it serves you right.

 

In another way, it doesn't. You do seem like a nice guy, and not everyone is going to appreciate that. I came on here blowing off steam for an extremely similar situation. A girl, college, poor family. I ended up getting dumped for a guy at a job I got her, not to mention she told me to "cut my loses" and forget about the money she owed me. 2 years gone.

 

Let me tell you where I am now. I'm still in college. Have an awesome girlfriend who got me this (a pug v-day card, a chocolate playstation controller with a chocolate disk labled "Grand Theft Chocolate", and the AWESOME Adventure Time poster) for Valentines day, and respects me 100% and encourages me another 100% in everything I do. Are you at fault for pushing her away? Maybe. Though remember she kept talking to a guy expressing his love interest. You are right, that is EXTREMELY disrespectful. If she truly cared about you I bet she wouldn't want you being BFF's with a girl that wants you. It's a trust issue, and even a fairness issue.

 

I say you give it to her straight. If you were truly all-that I'm sure she'll be kicking herself one day. And you? You could be with someone else having a better time than you knew you could... like me. :biggrin: