ComputerAngel

A letter from self to self, How are you? Feeling hollow and empty inside? Wanting a way to vent your stupidity without allowing others to suffer having to read it themselves? Aw pathetic aren't you my dear? I am well aware of your stupidity and your short comings. I know well every little thing you hate about yourself and how you wish you could change it all. After all I am you. I know everything about you and you I. We are one person yet we feel separate due to your loneliness. After all after having everyone break free from you has left you feeling sad and alone. You poor pathetic girl. I have no sympathy to someone like you. Someone who could change herself if she worked at it rather than wallowing in your self doubt crying over someone who never cared about you. Feeling anguish over people who wouldn't give a f**k if tomorrow you disappeared off the face of the earth. Face facts hun, you are alone and everyone is probably better off due to that fact. Doesn't matter what you do. You try to hide the ugliest parts of you, smile and put on a 'sweet' act and try to appease everyone around you. 'Don't let them see me.' 'Don't let them know how fragile and sad I am.' 'Don't be disappointed in me.' 'I'm sorry I'm me.' 'I'm sorry I exist.' Always having such useless thoughts. I wonder about you (or rather us as unfortunate as the case may be) and wonder how long you can continue existing in this stagnate and delusional state that if you want long enough or 'act' better that someone will come to care for you or at the very least pity you. Well sweety I pity you if that's any consolation. I hope you pity me as well since I am stuck with you. I have to admit I laugh whenever I see your attempts at writing. Trying so hard to be poetic and deep when you're as shallow as a puddle. Maybe it's more accurate to state that you are too naive or just don't have the firm grip on reality that the rest of humanity does. Seems in that way you are lacking as well. After all how many people often berate themselves in their mind with their thoughts constantly? Being unable to sleep unless you have some sound going and having to blast music in your ears whenever you get the chance? But it's a bit of a relief to me when you do. Honestly there's only so many times I can shout at you about how stupid and worthless you are and have you meekly think back 'I know' before it starts to get boring. Even now you're writing a letter to yourself out of what? Loneliness? Hoping to get a better understanding of your 'thoughts' (if they can even be called that)? To get attention? (Hahaha who would bother.) And the saddest part is that you're actually thinking these words all yourself, acknowledging them as your own and not your own. The voice of self loathing and disgust for yourself as well as the meek and timid part that just agrees with the part of you that hates yourself. The part you insist on focusing on in this so called letter to yourself or whatever the hell you want to call it. Do you really see me as a separate part of yourself? Well no of course not. If you did you would have made me deny us being the same person more wouldn't you? Or is this some sort of pathetic attempt of yours to play the victim once more? "Look at me everyone! Look how sad and lonely I am! Pay attention to me!" Oh but that isn't right is it? Because you always feel sad about bothering people don't you? That's why you feel so awkward about talking to people isn't it? What was it dad used to say? "Don't speak unless spoken to?" "Just shut up and don't argue?" Really took his words to heart didn't you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I....I don't even know what to say about this. This was a letter to myself I started typing here and this is what it became. :sad: I wish I understood what was wrong with me. Please disregard it as anything of any sort of significance. I just...I need to acknowledge that this letter shows a parts of my mind I pretend don't exist. Even as I live in denial and delusion this will stand stark as a reminder of the truth of my situation.

I wonder about myself sometimes. (Wow that doesn't sound too narcissistic does it? ^^: ) I hate how my heart can't let go. There was someone I loved very much. Deep down I knew things were doomed to fail from the start. I knew I wasn't good enough for him and he deserved better. I knew that and yet we clicked in such a scary way that I ignored what my head knew. I fell in love and boy did I fall hard. Looking back at things I wish I could just write it off as the foolishness of someone still young. But even after things ended painfully and he left me behind I couldn't forget about him. He was the first boy I cried over and truly felt empty over losing. I kept telling myself I was being stupid and that I should just move on, that he didn't want me and I was just clutching to something that would only cause me pain, and yet I couldn't let it go. I couldn't forget my feelings. I hate that I still can't forget my feelings. Even after so long I'll find myself nonchalantly thinking about him and wandering if he's doing ok, if things are going well and if he's happy. I find myself wanting to talk to him afterwards because I miss him as a friend and as my special someone. Then I laugh at myself humorlessly before reminding myself it's not what he would want. After all he had told me himself before that his former girlfriends had become something akin to stalkers to him after they broke up and I didn't want myself to fall into the same category as them. I can't help but wonder when I think of him....why can't I forget him? I don't regret loving him. I don't hate that I still love him. It's just.....why can't I let go of the memories of him and move on in life. It's probably what he would want after all but I can't find it in myself to do it. I don't want to get in contact with him again knowing that I'll just fall for him once again and that things will just end badly for me once more. I don't want to bother him anymore. I just wish I could go on in life. I don't know what I'll do from here on out. I don't know what the future holds for me after all. I can't say for sure what lies ahead, if I'l find love again or happiness or whatever. I just hope that if that time comes, the painful memories I have of him and the urge to talk to him will fade away, becoming nothing more than a fond memory I can look back on. After all I'm almost certain he's forgotten about me already.

The major population suffers while the minor population bask in their wealth. The flame of their greed is hot. We work and sweat so they can fill their endless greed. The skin of the masses blackens. We burn, we burn, but no one cares. They rot from the inside out while we burn. Their corruption and greed blackens their hearts and rots them while their malice burns our skin. We burn, we burn, slaving away and making so little. Our pain and sacrifice fuels their corruption and greed. We work and slave the day while they enjoy the finer things in life. We burn and burn while they rot, inside out. To burn or to rot, does it matter which? Money will not matter in the end. Whether it be hell or heaven we venture to after this, or simply the great empty abyss, there money will be meaningless.

Whenever it rains, I stop and watch it, because it reminds me of a man I once knew. The time we spent together wasn't long, but he touched my heart in a way I never thought possible. We didn't end on the best of terms, but I still think of him when it rains. I wonder if he's okay, if he's happy now, if he was able to move on in his life and forget his past. I know I'll never forget him as long as I live, even if he forgets me. I'll always cherish the memories of the time we were together, even if it wasn't long. Whenever it rains, I'll always think of him fondly, hope he's happy, and regret not telling him just how much I cared when I had the chance, a chance I'll never get back.

Like a knife digging into my heart or acid burning my skin, it pains me to keep going on with this act. The chains that bind me to this false persona grow tigher as I struggle to pull away from it, causing my bones to break and weaken me greatly. The strings that people pull to bend me to their will are like razor wires, digging deeper into my flesh and pull more violently with every tug. But I no longer fought against my chains alone. Others helped me pull away from the puppet I was and helped me become the person I am. People often said I was their puppet, their toy. My only reason for exsisting was to amuse them and serve them. For a time I believed it to be so and did what they wished of me and became the person they wanted me to be. But thanks to the wonderful people on here, I have become self aware and no longer bend to their wills. I am in charge of my life and my purpose for living, and hope with all my might that I can find it someday. This is a thank you to all my friends on here for helping me in more ways than you can even begin to realize. It's because of all of you I can live on, smiling and trying harder to make my exsistence worthwhile. I love you all, and hope that you all live happy lifes. :smile: