family issues

[TheCalliton]

hey all... its just me

iv ebeen having family issues, my mom is reall ymad at my dad, because hes "not putting her first" shes demanding way more than is humanly possible from my dad. and my dad is trying to make hr happy

 

i think she just kicked him out... someone tell me what i can say and or do

 

please...

[TheCalliton]

hey all, i know doubl eposting isnt exactly smile dupon, but i juat wanna thank anyone who gives me advice

i have to go to bed, and i dont know when ill be on next

 

for you christians, please pray for me...

[Storm Raven]

calliton,

 

I'm sorry it took someone so long to respond to your call. Many years ago, I found myself in exactly the same situation. So I'm going to say what I'm about to say, from an old man to a young man...

 

With love... I wish there was a better word. One that wasn't quite so strong, maybe. Or so easily misunderstood between men. Especially one that could indicate deep respect and caring between men.. There was a time in this world, when men openly spoke of their love for one another, and no one ever thought that had anything to do with sex. I find it sad that those days are past long ago.

 

Anyway, enough about that, let's get back to your call for help. My parents had awful fights, and eventually, they separated. I did not understand the time, and I still do not understand why. But for some reason, my reaction was to blame myself.

 

Somehow, someway, I was responsible for their problems. It took me many years to learn that their problems started long before I was born. In their way, they loved me very deeply, but they could not stand the way they felt about each other. I was the oldest child, I tried everything, I did everything I could to try and salvage their relationship. But it did not matter, I failed, they never did get back together again. And when I was 17. My father died. So you see, I never did get the chance to fix their problems. I carried the weight of that failure for many years.

 

What I want you to understand, it is so important that you understand, this is not your fault. And you cannot fix their problem. If they as your parents, the adults, that means so much to you, cannot solve their own problems, you will not be able to solve them either. It will not be your failure, it will be theirs, and you are not now and never were responsible for their problems.

 

All you can really do, is try love them both, and do the best you can, to deal with the changes.

 

I'm not a counselor, I'm not a therapist, I'm just a man, who has stood in your shoes. I learned the hard way not to try and get between them, or try and solve their problems. It took me a very long time to learn that I was powerless over them, it took me a very long time to learn, the only problems I could solve were my own. I'm 50 years old now. I'm still working on it. Just remember this, this is not your fault, and there is really not a lot you can do to try and solve their problems. No one is perfect.

 

*the old man smiles*.

 

Storm Raven

[Storm Raven]

calliton,

 

I'm going to step out of line now and make a mistake, because this will be a double post.

 

I know you have gone to sleep, and I know you are not sure when you will be back. You called out for help, I answered, and I hope other people will too. Please let us know that you got our answers. Or we will worry about you. And I know, that with the things you have to worry about right now, you don't want to worry about that.

 

People make mistakes, I certainly do. But I want you to understand something, you can learn from other people's mistakes. My parents marriage failed, and it was a very painful experience for everyone. I spent a lot of time thinking about the mistakes they had made. And by some miracle, I learned from their mistakes. Later in my life, I met a woman I fell in love with. And eventually we got married. We have been married now for twenty-five years now, and we are very happy in our marriage and each other.

 

What has kept us together for so long, is the knowledge that our love for one another is far more important, than whatever little petty issue, we may argue over today. But we have learned, that we must communicate, because we cannot read each others minds. Whatever problem you may ever have, remember this, circumstances change. I remember that whenever I'm having a problem, "This Too Shall Pass."

 

There will be good times, and there will be hard times, but they do not have to be bad times, hard times can bring people together, and it is learning that people can make it through hard times together that teaches them how much more important it is to stay together, than separate, because together we are much stronger than when we are apart. Never be afraid to ask for help. No one can make this journey we call life alone.

 

*the old man smiles*.

 

Storm Raven

[Zephyr2011]

I don't have quite the heartbreaking story as Storm, (both parents are still living), but my parents went through a similar thing, although now I understand more about it. When I was seven my parents got divorced, I didn't know why, I didn't try to stop it, I felt powerless as my life as I knew it was ripped apart. My mom got custody of me, and my two half-brothers lived with my dad (that was probably one of the hardest parts, not getting to see my brothers nearly as much). As Storm said, this isn't your fault, his parents' seperation wasn't his fault, and my parents' divorce wasn't my fault. If they were meant to be together, they'll patch things up at some point if not, then they won't. People change, they grow apart. If your parents do seperate make sure you surround yourself with good, true friends to help you get through the adjustment. I know I needed my best friend a lot when I was younger or I don't think I'd have been able to cope (I don't know exactly what I'd have done). If your parents stay together and are happy, great. If they don't but their still happy just find a way to cope, it'll get better. Your life may be upside down a little (heck, here I am 14, and my life's STILL upside down) but it'll get better. If you ever need to talk man, we're here for you, all you need to do is say somethin (type somethin same difference : P) you'll get through the tough times. Just stay happy and remember, to every cloud there's a silver lining. (take my parents, my father is now happily married again, my mom is kind a sort of married to another woman [same sex marriage is not legal here] and both are very happy with their lives)

[dezdimona]

In any relationship stormy seas sometimes develope. its hard to sit back and ignor the fact that two people you love immensly seem to be at odds with each other.

Never take sides, profess your love to both your mom and dad. Tell them it hurts you to see them fight, this may or may not help them but I think it will help you.

 

I know my parents would fight sometimes and it hurt me,but they always made up. The've been together 34 years now and still love each other. I've learned that sometimes just a giving them a hug can take their minds away from their anger even if only for a brief time.

 

I hope things work out. we'll always be here for you. Be at peace. Dezi

[Pushkatu]

I'm sorry to hear this calliton. I was in your situation not once, but twice. I know how hard it is becouse you don't realy understand what's going on. Parents should talk more with the kids, even about the bad things.

 

I am not going to share my story since it's to personal, but I tell you this....you only have ONE mother and ONE father so love them both and try talking with them.

 

Cheers!

 

 

p

[myrmaad]

Some excellent thoughts have been shared on this thread, and exceptional advise.

 

 

I want to explain why sometimes a woman (or a man) might demand a lot of their spouse. People make careless mistakes after being together for years. i don't know why but they will sometimes forget the reasons they fell in love and chose to marry. They allow others to interfere in their happiness and sway them into thinking and believing things that interfere with the sanctity of their love.

 

When such devastating things happen, the person who is allowing themselves to fantasize about greener grass may make heavy demands on the innocent spouse to justify their own selfish dissatisfaction and desires. The problem with this is the case is that the real trouble is never your spouse but yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. Such people who end up divorcing, simply go onto the next relationship and repeat the exact same unhappy cycle.

 

On the other hand, the demands may be the result of the innocent spouse who finds out that they have been betrayed in some significant way by the offending spouse. In this case, the demands are a natural reaction to the innocent person's need for self preservation, and the demands are necessary for the offending spouse to earn their way back into a healthy relationship.

 

All longterm relationships go through trying times, but people do handle them differently.

 

 

Since you don't have all the facts about what has gone wrong in the relationship, it is very, very important, to not take sides, as someone already advised. Things that you can do that might help is get out some photo albums and show your parents pictures of when you all were happy together, and their wedding, help them remember why they fell in love. Show them both that you love them both equally.

 

If one of them has made a mistake that the other is struggling to forgive, you can help show how that parent is still a wonderful person in spite of their human failings.

 

Do not allow them to talk badly about the other parent to you, it's not fair to you. And it's bad for them, and their chances of getting through this together.

 

 

A thought I'd like to share with you:

From my perspective as a 46 year old woman, I can tell you I've met many people in life who believe that people won't or can't change. But don't ever ever believe people who make that claim.

 

They are not looking around, they are not seeing the truth. The truth is that everyone and everything is constantly changing. They choose to change for the better or change for the worse.

[Ladyarafel]

I understand how you feel, my parents had a big fight a year and a half ago that ended up with my mom leaving and taking all of the kids (there are 6 of us living at home, 8 of us total) except me (was working for my dad at the time) to stay at a friends house. The fight had been going on for several years and my mom got to the point where she couldn't take it any more, so after a particularly bad fight one morning she took all the kids and left, she would have taken me too if dad hadn't of taken me to work that day. When my dad found out that she left and took the kids with her, he nearly went ballistic. The fight, this time, started in early February and didn't end until early May. For a while we were afraid that they were going to get a divorce (we're catholic and we don't usually believe in divorce), even though they kept telling us that they weren't. I tried not to take sides but that's not always possible, even though you try to stay in the middle it doesn't always work out that way because even if you try not to say anything your parents may, or may not (it's how it was with mine), think that your on their side or on the others side and there's nothing you can do about that, because they'll only see what they want to see. After the first two weeks my dad went nuts, he broke down the front door (it was splitting anyways) and then after that he started drinking, a lot. Mom offered me several times to take me with her and I would have gone but I knew that dad needed someone to be there so I stayed, though now that I look back I think even though things worked out I think my mom felt betrayed that I chose to stay with dad (I never told her why I stayed with him and now it's too late) The only reason I stayed with him is because something told me that if I stayed with him and help him get through it they would get back together. So my advice to you is:

1: do your best to help out

2: let them know how they're fighting hurts

3: ask your mom why she's being so hard on your dad (or maybe your dad may know, like maybe he forgot something or maybe he did something that your mom didn't like or something like that)

4: and if you have other family members like grandparents or even friends ask them for help, comfort, or just someone to listen when you need someone to talk to.

 

 

I hope all the advice helps and that your parents work everything out. You and your family are in my prayers.

[Zephyr2011]

Such people who end up divorcing, simply go onto the next relationship and repeat the exact same unhappy cycle.

 

That's probably the only thing I disagree with thus far, my parents are both married (sort of, see my first post) and I don't think I've ever seen them happier. Even when THEY were together and I was little. I think sometimes people marry before they know the person well enough or it's the right time or even they don't know themselves fully. (such as what I believe was the case in my parents' marriage). Just the ramblings of a fourteen year-old.

 

Ladyarafel has excellent advice (a little more difficult to implement the friend thing if you move immediately or start going to a different school, but eh) and if your parents don't stay together, just tell them how much you love them and comfort them whenever they need it, they may not get together but they'll move on and, with luck, be happier and find someone new.

 

-Hoping my further advice is atleast of some help,

Zeph