I don't feel like gaming anymore after the loss of my dog?

[InDarkestNight]

I've had an excessive number of deaths over the past 8 years. I've lost just about all my family members (most of them animals granted, but aren't they living things too? They're like children!).

I still like to game, don't get me wrong, but honestly after all my losses, I don't really like games much anymore that trivialize death. Just look at Skyrim. You're casually going on a homicidal rampage all the time without a thought in the world. The one npc's funeral is the only time death is really treated with any sensitivity or maturity.

I've been trying to think of a way to play Skyrim but without harming a single soul, human animal or monster. I've heard of people just playing as a travelling merchant instead of doing the adventurer thing, but I can't find any evidence on that or how to do it. Even so, just about all the quests in Skyrim require you to kill something. You can in theory retrieve stolen items using stealth and/or illusion, but that's about it. All the major questlines requires something to die. Yeah, a lot of times you can just sit back and let npcs do it for you, but that feels like I'm an enabler.

I was thinking of a build. Use Alternate Start to skip the Helgen sequence. Become a traveling merchant. My main skill would be speech, which I've never really explored. The problem is how to defend myself while travelling Skyrim. An armor skill? Illusion for calm spells? Just ride a horse around? Worse yet, I've been thinking of becoming Christian again. I don't see myself using magic in a game if I do that. Yes, its fantasy, but simply seeing things die in Skyrim is upsetting, who cares if I'm the cause? The whole polytheism thing is another issue. I had already abandoned my faith long before I stumbled upon rpgs. I really don't know what its like to play these games as a Christian. I know they do, but I don't know how they justify it. I do know of a few Christian mods yes, not including that joke Jesus mod. Do I play as a merchant who goes around hunting for all the books of the bible? There is a quest mod that does technically require killing, though it has you sort of re-enacting an obscure story from the bible.

Stupid yes, but I'm sick of believing all my loved ones have simply ceased to exist. Their lives didn't matter, an all will be lost once all the people who knew them when they were alive are gone. Besides, I've grown up and learned that atheism isn't as sensible as they claim it is. Besides, I was forced to abandon my faith, just so people would stop accusing me of being stupid. That was idiotic, Christianity being true or not. I'm sorry, I've just been having a rough time over the past decade, and both me and my mother are starting to get on years. Call me pathetic, but I'm sick of being a nihilist.

Sorry, am I overly reacting? Can I ever game again after the closest loss I've ever had to endure? I'm starting to think that dog was more to me than I realized. So much of my life centered around her. Am I wrong for wanting more mature gaming?

Edited August 3 by InDarkestNight

[Worf640]

I honestly don't know what to say other than you need to talk to a professional therapist I hope you feel better soon 

[InDarkestNight]

May I ask why you say that? I am in mourning now, so I am feeling sorta depressed. I am getting better; at least I'm not spending hours balling my eyes out. I'm trying to let go of my regrets, and wondering what could have been. I admit, I don't know how to properly handle grief. I've tried to find out, but I cannot sadly.

[Worf640]

Its ok everyone experiences grief in different ways there is no right or wrong way to experience grief and I always say because im not a professional therapist if you need more help then get professional help is all im just saying

 

[Worf640]

Everyone has regrets its ok were human after all 

[Guest deleted156886133]

@Worf640, just to let you know, it's one thing to go off-topic on a thread but to do what you just did is rude. Especially on a thread about someone grieving over his dead dog? Come on, man. You say that you've been asking around when indeed you have. You posted around 2 hours ago in the Starfield Creation Kit section. So, give folks some time to reply rather than high-jacking someone's thread with your load order.

[Worf640]

Im sorry I will try to keep it on topic when Its topics like this (just a note though im a comple newbie when it comes to modding and the glitches in the game especially the lag has been driving me nuts and I got sort of desperate for answers Its my fault I have Autism (but thats not an excuse or reason to do what I did)

Edited August 4 by Worf640

[InDarkestNight]

Its all right, I know full well myself what its like to be socially inept. I didn't really find it offensive, just random. For the record I have been considering grief counseling. My mother doesn't seem to be too interested in the idea though. Then again, we are short on cash, like everyone else now. Will groceries ever go down, seriously?

[AaronOfMpls]

My condolences as well, @InDarkestNight.   Losing a beloved pet is never easy.  Ditto for other loved ones in your life.

As for grief counseling, definitely worth looking into, though only you can decide if it's right for you.  (And yah, it'd be easier if we didn't have to pay much out of pocket for any health treatment, like how most developed countries do it.)