WaLkAwaY Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have $ex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes..' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust' And then the fight started.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.. And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER: When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katashy Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 LOL! All of these were really funny. I didnt get the 0-200 thing though. Helpz pl0x. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monolithic0117 Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 LOL! All of these were really funny. I didnt get the 0-200 thing though. Helpz pl0x. For example, when you place a 200g object on a scale. Anyways, quite amusing. I got a few chuckles out of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleRoe Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 How not to use Tact: So my me and my wife recently visited the mall.. it was Mothers Day and she was in the mood to buy clothes for herself and the unborn baby..So i handed her my card and told her i'd be by the sportsmans store.. she gave me a cold stare and requested i come along to shop for clothes..knowing what would happen if i argued with her i said fine and went along with her..After 4 hours of clothes gathering we were done.. she had picked out baby clothes and bought herself a really expensive dress..a dress that put a hole in my bank account.. and a smile on her little ...lovable..face.. So, After we got home and unloaded the clothes.. She got into the "mood" and told me to lay down.. so i went on into our room and got comfortable..She later came out of the restroom wearing the dress she had spent an assload of my retirement pay on..smiling at me.. making gestures of pre-pleasure.. getting me pretty worked up actually.. then she looks at herself and pauses..then looks at me and says "Does this dress make me look fat?".. i say.." Baby.. you're pregnant...you look fat in everything" ...that's how the fight started.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rbrophy2 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 How not to use Tact: So my me and my wife recently visited the mall.. it was Mothers Day and she was in the mood to buy clothes for herself and the unborn baby..So i handed her my card and told her i'd be by the sportsmans store.. she gave me a cold stare and requested i come along to shop for clothes..knowing what would happen if i argued with her i said fine and went along with her..After 4 hours of clothes gathering we were done.. she had picked out baby clothes and bought herself a really expensive dress..a dress that put a hole in my bank account.. and a smile on her little ...lovable..face.. So, After we got home and unloaded the clothes.. She got into the "mood" and told me to lay down.. so i went on into our room and got comfortable..She later came out of the restroom wearing the dress she had spent an assload of my retirement pay on..smiling at me.. making gestures of pre-pleasure.. getting me pretty worked up actually.. then she looks at herself and pauses..then looks at me and says "Does this dress make me look fat?".. i say.." Baby.. you're pregnant...you look fat in everything" ...that's how the fight started..Dude that was funny as shi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungfubellydancer Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Wow....I didn't realize men had such enormous issues with wives....what has this world come to? Should I be guilty I'm a wife? And what about the whole "no sex" thing? In my relationship it's most likely going to be ME saying, "hey, wanna have sex?" and my husband says flat-out "no" and changes the channel on his tv.... No wonder the divorce rate is over 50%. Men get married EXPECTING to get divorced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herculine Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Wow....I didn't realize men had such enormous issues with wives....what has this world come to? Should I be guilty I'm a wife? And what about the whole "no sex" thing? In my relationship it's most likely going to be ME saying, "hey, wanna have sex?" and my husband says flat-out "no" and changes the channel on his tv.... No wonder the divorce rate is over 50%. Men get married EXPECTING to get divorced. Bingo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pushkatu Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Relax ladies this is just for fun. I realy enjoyed these jokes and I am not married. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadowmadnezz Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Wow....I didn't realize men had such enormous issues with wives....what has this world come to? Should I be guilty I'm a wife? And what about the whole "no sex" thing? In my relationship it's most likely going to be ME saying, "hey, wanna have sex?" and my husband says flat-out "no" and changes the channel on his tv.... No wonder the divorce rate is over 50%. Men get married EXPECTING to get divorced. Bingo... and then the fight started... lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myrmaad Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) The trick is finding the right man in a sea of toads. The other trick is never to ask your husband to come with you "clothes-shopping" Ugh, I don't even wanna go! The third trick is never to ask him if you look fat; if you feel fat, why draw attention to that? Anyway it's a stupid question. Remember the old adage about keeping the mystery alive? :D My 28th Anniversary is coming up in two months. Sorry to get all serious on what was meant to be a funny thread, but a similar thread was just closed not too long ago for aggravating gender warfare. So keep it neutral. http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c117/SeaBlossom/anniversaryfunny.gif Edited December 12, 2009 by myrmaad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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