kungfubellydancer Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Three political leaders, the Queen of England, the King of Saudi Arabia, and the President of South Africa were flying in a plane together. The Queen proposed a test to determine which leader was more familiar with their own country, so she opened the door and stuck her hand out. "I know that we're flying over my country right now," she said. "How do you know?" said the other two. "Because my hand is cold." Some time later the King of Saudi Arabia stuck his hand out the door and said, "I know that right now we're flying over MY country." "How?" "Because my hand is hot." At last, the President of South Africa took his turn and put his hand out. "I know that I'm flying over my country." "And how?" said the others. "Because my watch is gone." (You can put any three countries here if you want to use this joke again, by the way) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadowmadnezz Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, soGod asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to." God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." Hesaid, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she willalways agree with every decision you make, she will bear your childrenand never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care ofthem. "She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admitshe was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have aheadache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg!" Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" AND THE REST IS HISTORY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaLkAwaY Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Ok this is not a joke but I still find it funny... A friend of mine that has had terrible luck with women has this saying: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to a woman's heart is through a man's wallet!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaLkAwaY Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericazwel Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 A duck walked into a bar, hopped onto the bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "This is a bar, we serve drinks, not grapes." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "This is bar. We serve drinks, not grapes. I told you that yesterday." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, visibly upset, says, "I told you yesterday, duck, this is a bar. We serve drinks, not grapes. If you come in here again, I will nail your feet to the bar." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any nails?" to which the bartender said, "No". The duck said "Got any grapes?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaLkAwaY Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 A duck walked into a bar, hopped onto the bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "This is a bar, we serve drinks, not grapes." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "This is bar. We serve drinks, not grapes. I told you that yesterday." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, visibly upset, says, "I told you yesterday, duck, this is a bar. We serve drinks, not grapes. If you come in here again, I will nail your feet to the bar." The duck shrugged it's wings and walked out. The next day, the same duck walked into the same bar, hopped up on the bar and asked the same bartender, "Do you have any nails?" to which the bartender said, "No". The duck said "Got any grapes?" Lol, that's the best one so far. I would even kudo you if I could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungfubellydancer Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 A good conversation is like a mini-skirt. It's long enough to cover the topic, but short enough to grab your attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katashy Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 A good conversation is like a mini-skirt. It's long enough to cover the topic, but short enough to grab your attention. So true... PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDNIt Still Does Nothing APPLEArrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSISystem Can't See It DOSDefective Operating System BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBMI Blame Microsoft DECDo Expect Cuts CD-ROMConsumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSHMost Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOLCompletely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGAA Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPSMeaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWSWill Install Needless Data On Whole System GIROGarbage In Rubbish Out MICROSOFTMost Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers. -----Friend told me them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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