Funny Replies You Make To NPCs

[phaz]

Guard: "stop criminal! I've heard of you, your criminal exploits are well known. pay the fine or serve your sentence....."

Me: "if my criminal exploits were so well known you wouldn't have bothered to come within 20ft of me as i have killed 999 guards and you're next!! 1,000,000 septim bounty FTW!!!

 

Npc: "I'm SO happy to see you I could BURST!"

Me: casts "convulsive combustion" spell

[DarthSchilock]

A guy from SI : Wanna buy a stick,i have a fresh stick for sell.

Me :Ok,i will take 2 oak sticks,4 pine and can i have one with leaves on it,please

 

Fimmion:Fimmion hungry wants swetrool.

Me:Sorry i only have two sweatcakes,shame better luck with someone else.

 

Orinthal:Orinthal,retired assassin.blah blah...

Me:yeah surely,better to say retarded assassin,how many fingers can you see.

 

Gray Fox's Doyen:Do i know you.

Me:You are having a bit fun with me i was 2 days on your moma trying to have a inteligent child

and I GET A LOWLIFE,get in the house you aren't allowed to watch TV untill they invent it.

 

Guard;HA YOU MOVE LIKE A PREGENANT COW!!

ME:Well not everyone is agile as your moma.

 

Lucien:You sleep rather soundly for a murderer...........

Me:Well i have gobbled 5 days old beans so don't complain.

 

Guard:You have my ear citizen.

Me:Ooo it is yous sorry,i'll go get the hammer and nails.Don't worry will have that fixed in no time.

 

Sergius.Tertulian,Sergius and Cicero the three brother trade goods

Me:Bubu,Algy,Figaro,Togoban,Fuj,Tintaro,Nea para and Migy the eight goblin scientists.

 

The Black Water Brigant:Who in Oblivion are you,you are not one of the black water brigants.

Me:No of course not.Lemme introduce myself.Chuck.Chuck Norris.Honored to meet you.

 

Emperor:I can't go no further,you alone must stand against the Prince of Destruction...........

Me:OOOoohh don't worry i have some people i can trust,now where is the nearest phone.?

 

Guard:Ear thing

Me:Ooo is that so what will you do arrest me for robbery,hm.

 

Ok that is all i can remember for now.

 

NPC: "You have the hands of a healer."

Me: "I also have the ear of a guard. Wanna see what else I've got? "

hahahahaah this is greatt.............................XDXD

[DarthSchilock]

You gota like this guy

http://i41.tinypic.com/2mx1tti.jpg

This is the last picture on the Imperial City Courier Newspaper cameraman.

Xcaltar don't like paparazzi and when he saw that guy... well il let you guess :D

good one

i have also seen some paparazzis

and well

 

http://i49.tinypic.com/344c9qb.jpg

[The_Vyper]

Mythic Dawn guy: "Dawn is breaking."

Me: "Then fix it. Hurry, before dusk starts to fall."

 

Bandit: "What can I do for you?"

Me: :blink: "You're not going to attack me? Cool. Hey, I know an Ayleid ruin with some sweeeet lot. Wanna help me get it?"

 

NPC1: "Hello."

Ulrich Leland: "I don't know you and I don't care to know you."

NPC1: I've heard others say the same."

Me to NPC1: "And yet, you didn't get the hint. I'll spell it out for you." *punches NPC1 in the face*

[phaz]

Marauder: "looks like your handy with a blade"

me: switches to daedric warhammer and smashes their skull to pieces

[The_Vyper]

Gaurd1: *Stands at his post*

Guard2: *walks up to Guard1* "I'm your relief."

Guard1: "Good. My feet are killing me."

Guard2: "Another day, another septim."

Guard1: "Duty calls."

Guard2: *walks off without reliving Guard1*

Me: :blink: "Seems that nature calls louder than duty."

 

 

NPC: "Do you believe the rumors about Oblivion Gates opening up everywhere?" (or however that comment goes)

Me: "Those aren't Oblivion Gates, they're portals to realms of almost infinite wealth. Go through one and check it out." :wink:

[Bontazor]

Dremora Sigil Keeper: "You should not be here, mortal!"

 

Me: "But I have to be here to continue the story... :sad: "

 

 

 

Sheogorath: "Come again! Or I'll pluck your eyes out! Hahaha..."

 

Me: "I can do better since I can stab them out."

[BloodOnYourHands]

Peryite: Take this, with my blessing. May it bring you order.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOO! *suddenly spawns to SI Execution Point*

[Zuperbuu]

WOW! having technical problems for 2 months SUCKS! x.x

But I can submit more random NPC chatter!! YAY!

 

me: HEY! Which way to the Mages Guild??

NPC1: Many members of Argonia have been 'called back' to Black Marsh, they go into the swamps and are never seen again.

NPC2: Black Marsh has always been a dangerous place.

me: HELLO?!

NPC1: Any word from the other provinces?

me: ARGH! *stabs both Argonians in the back*

Leyawin Gaurd: STOP CRIMINAL!

 

Uriel: You...I've seen you.

Me: W-what?! WHERE FROM?! o3o

Uriel: Come closer, let me see your face.

Me: *is horrified* O-M-G are you comming on to me?! o-o

Uriel: You. You're the one from my dreams. Then the stars were right and today is the day.

Me: *grows even more horrified* I'm a guy you know, and I have claws and fangs...if you touch me wrong I'll maul you to death!! I KNOW SHEOGORATH! D<

Uriel: Gods give me strength.

Me: *growing frantic* OMGPLEASEDON'TDOANYTHINGTOMEI'LLBEAGOODJINIMARUIPROMISEEVENTHOUGHIMURDEREDYOURGUARDSANDWOUNDUPINJAILFORIT!! D:

Uriel: I am Uriel Septim, your emperor.

Me: *very VERY frantic* OMGI'MGONNAGETMOLESTEDBYTHEEMPEROR!SOMEONESAVEME!!...oh why am I in jail??! -___-'

Uriel: Perhaps the gods placed you here so we could meet. As for what you've done, it does not matter.

Me: *disgusted* Dude...you're sick...I'm a freakin' BEAST-MAN. Go find another jailbait. X:<

 

Poor Godo thought the Emperor was hitting on him, but that's only because he's insane and is an idiot. :3

[The_Vyper]

NPC: "They say that when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood visits you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members."

Me: "Really? Thanks for the tip." *kills informative NPC, gets visited by Dark Brotherhood, joins up*

 

Anvil Guard, when asked about Anvil: "Pretty, isn't it? And quiet too. There isn't much work for us here."

Me: :blink: "Anvil is a port town with two bars right on the docks and there isn't much for you to do here?! And what about that incident at the chapel? You call that 'nothing'?! I'm glad I don't live here!"

 

Bosmer NPC introducing herself: "Huurwen of the Fighters Guild. Health and fortune."

Me: "Drehdwyn of the Dark brotherhood. Death and destruction." *kills Huurwen*

 

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"

Me: "How 'bout I do this instead!" *shoots bandit...umm...between the legs with poisoned arrow*

Bandit: "Ayaaagh!" (actual battle cry after he was hit) *bandit dies from the poison*

 

NPC: "It..It's you! The Hero of Kvatch! this is truly an honor!"

Me: "You bet it is. Fear the master of Daedric Pwnage! Bow before my Awesomeness!"

 

Bandit: "What's that?"

Me: "Like I'm going to fall for that one." *kills bandit*

 

Other bandit: "Where are you?"

Me: "Like I'm going to tell you." *kills other bandit*

 

NPC: "What can I do for you?"

Me: "Bring me...a shrubbery! One that looks nice. And not too expensive."

 

NPC: "What do you want?"

Me: "To find the Holy Grail...wait, no. Wrong quest. What was the question again?"

 

Guard, when asked about directions: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "The castle of Aaarrg. Ah nuts. I've got the wrong quest again."

 

Guard: "Stop!"

Me: "Ask me your questions. I am not afraid."

Guard: "You've violated the law!"

Me: "Aarrg! Wrong quest again!"

Guard: "Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"

Me: "I'm not paying squat and the only things I'll serve are pain and death!"

Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"

Me: "I say thee, Nay! I shall pay with yours!" *kills guard with a rather nasty poisoned arrow to the eye*

 

Bandit1: "Have you heard any news about the other provinces?"

Bandit2: "Nothing I'd like to ta--URG!" *death by arrow in the neck*

Bandit1: *looks at dead bandit* "It must have been the wind."

Me: "Yeah, the wind blew a Daedric arrow right through you friend's neck. Oh look! It happened to you, too. Gotta watch out for that wind."

 

NPC: "You smell of death. Been conjuring up dead things lately?"

Me: "Nope, I've been making them for Falanu Hlaalu!" *kills NPC* Me: "Oh yes. She'll like you."

 

Guard: "What's this about?"

Me: "About a prisoner-turned-hero who undertakes numerous, dangerous quests to save the world as we know it from certain doom! Sounds interesting, doesn't it?"

 

Nord NPC: "By Ysmir's beard, we've got a live one!"

Me: "By Zenithar's toenails, this man is dead!" *kills NPC*

 

NPC: "Do you believe the rumors about Oblivion Gates opening up everywhere?" (or however that comment goes)

Me: "Those aren't Oblivion Gates, they're portals to realms of almost infinite wealth. Go through one and check it out." :thumbsup:

 

Jair: "I'm Jair. I'm a dip"

Me: :blink: "A what?"

Jair: "A pickpocket."

Me: "Whew, what a relief..wait, what?"

Jair: "Relax. You're safe from me. You look like you might take offense."

Me: "Yeah, and I'd voice that 'offense' with an arrow through your eye."

Jair: "You have to watch out for pickpockets in the city. You’d be surprised how many waterfronters earn a good income that way."

Me: "Well, if they try it on me, they'll earn an early grave. Or an offer to join me on an adventure. Maybe both."

 

Emperor: "You. I've seen you."

Me: "Congratulations. So have lots of other people."

Emperor: "Let me see your face."

Me: "I thought you'd already seen it. Oh well, have a look."

Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."

Me: "Wait, what?!"

Emperor: "The stars were right. This is the day."

Me: "I don't like the sound of this."

Emperor: "Gods give me strength."

Me: "Oh gods! What's going on?!"

Emperor: "Assassins attacked my sons and I'm next."

Me: "Oh, is that what they're calling it now?"

Emperor: "My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route."

Me: "To your 'secret place', right?"

Emperor: "By chance, the entrance to that escape rout lead through your cell."

Me: "I doubt chance has anything to do with it. Who are you, anyway?"

Emperor: "I am your emperor. By the grace of the gods, I serve Tamriel as her ruler."

Me: "My 'emperor'? You're really starting to creep me out now. And what do you mean by 'ruler'?"

Emperor: "You are a citizen of Tamriel and you too will serve her in your own way."

Me: "I was afraid of this. Look, man, I don't go that way, especially in prison. Why am I in here, anyway?"

Emperor. "Perhaps the gods have placed you here so that we may meet."

Me: "The Imperial Watch placed me here and I have no desire to 'meat' you."

Emperor: "As for what you have done, it does not matter. That is not what you will be remembered for."

Me: "I'm not worried about what I've 'done'. I'm worried about what you plan on having me 'do' and who's going to be 'remembering' it. I march to my own beat, thank you."

Emperor: "So do we all. But what path can be avoided whose end is fixed by the almighty gods?"

Me: "I seriously doubt the gods are involved in what you're planning."

Renault: "Please sire. We must keep moving."

Me: "By the Nine, yes! Please keep moving. Preferably, away from me."

Baurus: "Looks like this is your lucky day, prisoner."

Me: "I just got hit on by some crazy old geezer! How is that 'lucky'?"