Need help with my social graces

[TheCalliton]

well, if you just need girl help, send me a pm, i have a girlfriend who has divulged quite a bit of stuff to me

Hey, thanks, but I can´t send you pm, it says you can´t receive any pm

 

@Be who you are, it is as simple as that. To find out who you are, that takes a lot of listening

But I am being myself always, it´s just the way I behaved was weak, I now realized my mistake, she gave me chances again and again, infact every time I speak to her is an opportunity, but instead of spending time having fun with her I left her cold everytime with my depression, and she could have told me, but she didn´t, she owes me a lot of patience from many favours I did for her and her mother, I suppose she didn´t want to be rude and just remained silent, if she told me earlier then this would never have happened. I must find a way to apologize without sounding weird, because I actually didn´t do anything bad, but I dissapointed her every time I had a chance to speak with her, I wasn´t a friend, I was nobody, and she expected a lot more from me, because once things were going ok between us.

fixed it

send me one now

[Balagor]

well, if you just need girl help, send me a pm, i have a girlfriend who has divulged quite a bit of stuff to me

Hey, thanks, but I can´t send you pm, it says you can´t receive any pm

 

@Be who you are, it is as simple as that. To find out who you are, that takes a lot of listening

But I am being myself always, it´s just the way I behaved was weak, I now realized my mistake, she gave me chances again and again, infact every time I speak to her is an opportunity, but instead of spending time having fun with her I left her cold everytime with my depression, and she could have told me, but she didn´t, she owes me a lot of patience from many favours I did for her and her mother, I suppose she didn´t want to be rude and just remained silent, if she told me earlier then this would never have happened. I must find a way to apologize without sounding weird, because I actually didn´t do anything bad, but I dissapointed her every time I had a chance to speak with her, I wasn´t a friend, I was nobody, and she expected a lot more from me, because once things were going ok between us.

 

Still be your self. You find one day that you are not weak. As I get it your depression is your problem, perhaps, or is that a result of the whole thing?

[Sorgren]

My depression is a result of the whole thing, and also the problem, it began about 5 months ago, since I became depressed I began losing her as a friend, and my love for her was built on friendship, I remember when I was cold and lonely, I didn´t want anybody in my life, then she came and turned things upside down for me, after I first met her I had an urge to see her everyday, and we were classmates so seeing her was not a problem at all, and at first things were going quite fine and we were having fun, I fell in love with her, then lots of s*** happened and I became paranoid, introspective, boring, I lost my spark completely, though I still had the urge to be with her, but since I became depressed we didn´t have any more fun together and I imagine that my behaviour must have really upset her, but now I feel recovered from my depression because I came to realize the harm it was doing to both of us and I decided to put an end to it, now I have peace of mind.

[Karasuman]

Rule #1 of date club is: Use your sense of humor. Use irony with her, and learn to make fun of yourself when you're around her. Most people, in a dating scenario, don't like it when another takes themselves so seriously. Learn to be relaxed in her presence. Easier said than done perhaps, but necessary. Absolutely necessary.

 

Find common ground between yourself and her and talk about those things which interest you both. There's no need to act interested in the things she likes which you don't. This is assertiveness, and it's a quality most people very much want out of their prospective mates. These types of courting situations require a sometimes difficult balance. You want that person to know you're interested in them, but you also don't want to sell yourself out just to try and become what you think they want. That's cheating yourself, and you have a right to be who you are, even when you're around them. No one should expect you to change that, and if they do expect it, then they're not worth having.

 

Underlying theme here is control your nerves. Some people are just naturally shy. You seem like one of them, but you don't have to let doubts and such rule you. You control your thoughts and responses around others. Your thoughts/responses don't control you. Or at least they shouldn't. Always remember you have control at all times over who you are and how you respond to things. You'll be alright.

 

P.S. - Usually, when someone says a potential dating prospect is "boring," it often translates to "You would do anything I want you to". If you have a tendency to act that way around her or anyone else for that matter, stop it. You can assert yourself without being a jerk, and I guarantee you that those people worth having around will like you all the more for it.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Karasuman

[Sorgren]

Actually I am neither shy, neither do I sell myself out, I value individuality, I would never adapt to a girl, or let a girl adapt to me, I would look for a real girl, one that knows to be herself and with wich I can be myself also, that is my case, also, irony is good, but it need balance.

[Karasuman]

Actually I am neither shy, neither do I sell myself out, I value individuality, I would never adapt to a girl, or let a girl adapt to me, I would look for a real girl, one that knows to be herself and with wich I can be myself also, that is my case, also, irony is good, but it need balance.

 

I make no assumptions about whether you would or would not sell yourself out. I do not know you. I simply was warning against it because all too often that is what people end up doing to try and win someone over. But judging from your above post, it appears you have a clear idea of yourself and what you want and like and ideas about how it should be done, thus advice must not be that necessary?

[Vindekarr]

You've got to show her you've got the utmost respect for her aswell.

 

Dont dumb things down for her, let her work stuff out. In my experience, the girl is always smarter than you are, even if you're bordering on genius level yourself.

 

Secondly, use your sense of humor-dont talk like an accountant, be lively, spin things humorously, add to stories with gestures and use of voice. If you use language well you can make a story about going to the mall into a Shakespearian epic.

 

Thirdly, I would advise wholeheartedly against porn. What you really want is to become less clueless about the human reproductive system. It really helps if you understand how both sexes sexual organs work. Even the small step of some wikipedia research can really help, as does familiarity. You arent going to be very good in bed if you dont know what you're looking at, let alone what it does. So take a deep breath, get a bucket ready, and do some research of either sexuality in general, and there are a lot of sexual textbooks out there, many of them useful, or from the medical perspective, eg a medical textbook.

 

The human body is a complex and nuanced thing, knowledge of it is power.

 

And besides, it's like with spiders and snakes. Most people are terrified of all of them. But there are over sixty million species of spider in the world and I can list the ones that can actualy do you harm on the fingers of my hands-there are only eight in sixty million-and the ones that are agressive enough to even try to bite you on the fingers of one hand, there are only four. And once you know what those four look like, the other fifty nine million and something are simply beautiful wild creatures.

 

Likewise if you get to learn how both the male and female bodies work, you'll feel a lot less timid, and may actualy know what you're doing.

 

And anyway, it'll give you more empathy for doctors, and in my case, trainee doctors who didnt finish their course-we all had to read this stuff! and we were forced to look at the pictures too! :sick:

Edited December 31, 2010 by Vindekarr

[satanslilhelper]

The single most important piece of advice I can offer is "listen to her". Actually pay attention to what she says, and ask her pertinant questions. The vast majority of women (myself included!) love to be adored, and want to feel like they are the most fascinating person ever.

Hot on the heels of that is "be yourself". If you try to force anything she will be able to tell, and think of you as dishonest. When you find the right person, you will honestly be fascinated by their mind, body and soul, and find the above listening comes as second nature.

And about the sex, above all remember it's not a performance, it's about enjoyment and emotional connection. Don't try to be a stud, if she is dominant (as you imply), she will relish the opportunity to guide you. Dominance and frigidity are an unusual combination, though, if she is truely frigid (instead of just a bit apprehensive), then she may need speciallist help. If she's just a bit scared, then again let her guide you. Keep asking questions, keep telling her how amazing she is. If things go wrong, laugh! And porn will teach you nothing about eroticism, porn is all about the performance. Erotic fiction, written by women, might be better, but I still believe it's really best to come from your heart.

Like everything in life, it's a learning curve. Everyone has been in your shoes at some point, and we must each find our own path to contentment. Good luck finding yours!

Edited January 4, 2011 by satanslilhelper

[TheCalliton]

Rule #1 of date club is: Use your sense of humor. Use irony with her, and learn to make fun of yourself when you're around her. Most people, in a dating scenario, don't like it when another takes themselves so seriously. Learn to be relaxed in her presence. Easier said than done perhaps, but necessary. Absolutely necessary.

<snipped out for shortness- TheCalliton>

i thought rule number one was to not talk about it...

oh yeah, wrong club

and i agree comepletely... i still think we need a like button here

being relaxed makes her be relaxed, which in turn creates a sort of ZEN... in other words, dont get all nervous because she has boobies

[Karasuman]

[... in other words, dont get all nervous because she has boobies

 

Lol This^^^. Couldn't have said it better myself.