Jokefest

[kvnchrist]

Bad E-mail

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where

they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel

schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on

Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so

he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out

one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory

following a massive heart attack.

 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives

and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and

saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: February 16, 2010

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and

have been checked in.

 

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as

uneventful as mine was.

 

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

[kvnchrist]

Sex after Death

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the other if there is sex after death.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

 

True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

"Judy............Judy"

 

"Is that you, George?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and

then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

 

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp

around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

 

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

 

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

 

 

 

"No............I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[kvnchrist]

Painter

 

 

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

 

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

 

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes'

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

 

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[kvnchrist]

Burgler

 

One night, a burglar broke into a house . He was shining his flashlight

around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

 

Hearing nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he started pulling the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

"Did you say that?" he wispered

to the parrot.

 

"Yes," the parrot responded, and

then squawked, "I'm Just trying to warn you that he is

watching you."

 

The burglar replied. "Warn me,

Who are you ?"

 

"Moses,"

replied the bird.

 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird

Moses?"

 

"The kind of people that would name a

Rottweiler Jesus."

[kvnchrist]

Wishful Thinking

 

 

A woman's fairy godmother appeared and asked the woman if she would like three wishes.

 

"Of course!," the woman answered.

 

"Before you tell me your wishes, I must warn you that there is one other aspect of the wishes which you must know; for every item you receive your husband will receive the same thing, but ten times more of it," the fairy godmother said.

 

"Oh, that's no problem at all!" replied the woman. "My first wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world!"

 

"Are you sure?" asked the fairy godmother. "Remember that your husband will be ten times as attractive as you and so women will pursue him relentlessly!"

 

"It's fine with me," said the woman, and 'poof!' she immediately found herself to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

"What would you like for your next wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

 

"I would like to be the wealthiest woman in the world," said the woman.

 

The fairy godmother reminded the woman that her husband would receive ten times the amount of money and the woman assured her that she didn't mind.

 

"Poof!'; the woman became the richest woman in the world.

 

"So, what is your third and final wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

 

"I want to have a minor heart attack," answered the woman.

[kvnchrist]

Change of Beek

 

 

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

 

One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

 

Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you,' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

 

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts.

Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet.

 

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door.

 

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'

 

The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place.

 

Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

[kvnchrist]

Widdle Wabbits

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

 

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

 

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"

[kvnchrist]

A lesson in Logic

 

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

 

 

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[kvnchrist]

Home of the free

 

 

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

 

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

[kvnchrist]

Saying Goodbye

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

 

 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damned cat."