Jokes

[Marcus Wolfe]

Joke#1

A blind man and a deaf woman walked into a bar.

She should have seen it coming.

 

Joke#2

A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no.

The next day, the same dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no and if you ask me again I'll nail your paws to the wall.The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails. The bartender says no and the dog says "Well in that case do you have any grapes?"

[hoots7]

A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no.

The next day, the same dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no and if you ask me again I'll nail your paws to the wall.The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails. The bartender says no and the dog says "Well in that case do you have any grapes?"

Smart dog, 3

[Marcus Wolfe]

An engineer's brain sold once in a bid for $300,000. An artist's brain sold for twice as much, probably because it was unused.

[PaulEmil]

A dremora went into the Inn of Ill Omen and sat down on a stool at the bar.

"I'd like a pint, landlord" it snarled.

Maulhand pulls a pint (quivering slightly) and serves it to the dremora, saying "that'll be 20 gold please".

The dremora pays the money and drains the beer. As it walks out Maulhand plucks up the courage to say:

"We don't get many dremora in here."

"I'm not surprised, with beer at 20 gold per pint!"

[Marcus Wolfe]

Three men, one a poor man from Canada, one a horny playboy from Sweden and the other an Amnesiac American, are at the edge of a cliff when an Ogre picks them up. He tells them that this is a magic cliff and that when you are thrown over it, say whatever it is you want and it will appear to break your fall. So one by one they were thrown off the cliff by the Ogre.

Canadian: 12 trillion dollars!!

Swede: Women!!!!!

American: OOOOHHHHHH SSHHHHH****TTTTTTT!!!!!!!

[ItWotBeSoonBeforeLong]

I will try too keep this as clean as possible.

 

1---Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

 

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

 

2---Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

 

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

 

So he proceeded: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the 9th berry he burst out in laughter and was killed immediately.

 

Weeks later, the first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

 

"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

3---A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Marcus Wolfe]

BUWAHAHAHAHA (Nice!)

John A. MacDonald (as a child) was consulting a fortune teller on how his future would turn out.

"You will unite a Canada free from British rule and forever be remembered in the hearts and textbooks of future generations."

"Really? WOW!"

So everyday, little John came back to the fortune teller and the fortune teller kept telling him wonders. About a month later, she told him that he had a future living on the streets of Ottawa.

"Why would that be?"

"Well, judging by the way you blow your money on crummy fortune tellers.....

[ninja_lord666]

Here's ten questions:

 

Questions:

 

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

 

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

 

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

 

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You ban me hard . What am I?

 

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

 

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You ban me you feel good. What am I?

 

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

 

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

 

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

 

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

 

 

 

 

 

Answers:

 

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush

 

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

 

 

====================================================

 

 

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

 

"Talking Dog for Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the mutt replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"

 

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

 

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

 

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[Marcus Wolfe]

HAHAHA

When they were laying down the train tracks in the great Canadian West, there was a small dispute between the workmen and the local Sioux. A representative from Ottawa was sent to strike a deal with the chief. When he arrived, all the natives began pointing at him and saying "Firhk". Thinking this was some sort of compliment, he smiled and waved. Later, while talking to the chief in a big field, he stepped in a whopping pile of horse manure. The chief said "White man should pay more attention to were he is going, so he won't step in horse firhk."

[Grond Vern]

lmao...my turn :D

 

One day, a man and his wife had dinner at a mexican restaurant. The lady ordered a taco, but the man ordered the special. Soon the waiter returned with the taco and the man's dish, which consisted of rice, beans, and two large, dark, steaming lumps on a plate. "What is this?" asked the man. The waiter replied "They are cahones, taken from the bull that lost the bullfight this morning." The man was disgusted, but the waiter insisted he try them. He did. "These are delicious! I will have to bring my friends next time!."

 

So, the next day, the man returns to the restaurant with 3 of his friends. As before, his friends ordered tacos and burritos, and the man ordered the special again. The waiter brought the plates, but this time the cahones were different. "Waiter" he said "this isn't what I ordered. These are much smaller than last time." The waiter leaned close to the mans ear. "Senor." he whispered "The bull doesn't always lose..."