Jokes

[PaulEmil]

LMAO. That was good. Here's one.

 

Q: If a smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus jump off a cliff, who hits the ground first?

A: The dumb blonde because the other two don't exist.

 

....Actually, that was crap. Here's a much better one.

 

A little man is drinking in a pub, and watches a soldier come up to the pretty barmaid and says:

"Tickle your arse with a feather."

"What?" replies the barmaid.

"Particularly nasty weather."

The little man thinks this is a terriffic joke, and so wanders to the pub on the other side of the road to the evil looking barmaid, but gets confused and blurts out:

"Stick a feather up your arse and it's raining like hell outside!"

[ResidentWeevil2077]

I know this joke isn't rated as "G" (more like "PG-13"), but here goes *takes a deep breath*

 

So a camel and an elephant meet on a road in India. The elephant asks the camel "I've always been baffled as to why you guys (camels) have breasts on your backs."

 

The camel pauses for a moment, then replies "That's odd coming from someone who has a penis on his face."

 

 

That one was bordering on "R" :rolleyes: . OK, another one, with not as much innuendo:

 

Q: A beaner and a an Afro-American are sitting in a car - which one's driving?

 

A: The fuzz.

 

 

One more for the road:

 

A Buddhist is ordering at a hot dog vendor, the vendor asks "What would you like?"

 

The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."

 

 

All jokes courtesy of Urban Dictionary (specifically the definition for "joke") ;)

[hoots7]

A few from Steven Wright:

 

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

 

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

 

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

 

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

 

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

[Gray_Fox]

two in one grave

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

 

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

 

"The tombstone back there said...

'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

 

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

 

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

 

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

 

The blonde started laughing.

 

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

 

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

 

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

 

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

 

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[hoots7]

two in one grave

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

 

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

 

"The tombstone back there said...

'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

 

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

 

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

 

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

 

The blonde started laughing.

 

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

 

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

 

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

 

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

 

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

I give them a 2, 3 & 2, very good.

[dangle]

The Offensive Parrot:

 

A guy goes to a pet shop and sees a parrot for sale and it is very cheap. Upon enquiring he was told that it is very rude. Thinking this might be a novelty, he goes and buys it. After a small amount of swearing the guy has a chuckle and goes on about his business.

The next day, things get really bad and it turns out that this parrot has a FILTHY mind, so much so that the guy cringes at many of the things it says. The worst thing is, is he can't get the bird to stop. After about a week of putting up with this hideously rude parrot he's hade enough. He opens the cage, none too softly snatches the parrot opens the freezer and hurls the bird in, slams the freezer door shut and lays down on the couch to relax.

Some time passes and he realises that he forgot about the bird in the freezer! "OMG i am gonna get it now!" He thinks shuddering, he gingerly opens the freezer, prepares for a series of insults and gets the parrot gently.

The parrot says in a very calm and diplomatic voice:

"Good afternoon sir, i feel i may have offended you with my vulgar language and i most humbly offer my most sincere apologies for any harm i am have caused you. I intend on making ammends at the first avaliable opportunity..."

The guy is stunned. "This must be a trick" he thinks to himself. But before he can say anything in reply the parrot goes on:

"...and good sir, if i may ask, What did the chicken do?"

[dangle]

A guy turns up to a new restaurant and says "I have heard that the special soup is to die for."

"Sorry sir, we just sold our last one to that gentleman over there"

A little downtrodden he just asks for a coffee. After a while he notices that the guy who ordered the last soup hasn't even touched it. He's just reading his paper, so he moseys on over and asks if he is going to eat it "Nah, help yourself, mate" comes thereply so the guy starts devouring it. He gets about half way down when he notices a half eaten mouse in it. Immeditately he throws up his food back right into the bowl. Horrified, he looks up and the bloke with the paper says, "Yeah, thats about as far as i got too!"

[dangle]

Lawyer

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -- his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

[dangle]

Snappy Answers

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, “Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they're dead."

 

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

 

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

 

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-alec bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[dangle]

A nun was waiting at the airport to greet her mother superior off a flight home. After a warm greeting, both the ladies hop into the car and the sister drives them back to the convent. It is late at night and the drive is lengthy. A fair way into the drive the sister turns down an unlit dirt road. It is a bumpy winding road with over hanging tree that don't allow for much light. Needless to say, they can't safely drive very fast along this treacurou road. All of a sudden a fierce vampire leaps from a tree onto the hood of the car and snarls menacingly at them. Petrified, the sister asks the mother superior, "What do we do" The mother superior wisely replies, "Show him your cross!" Obediently, the sister plucks up all her courage, winds down the window, leans out at the vampire and screams "GET THE HELL OFF MY CAR YOU BLOODY MORON!"