Jokes

[Abramul]

It's also quite similar to Banker's Bet.

 

I would not be surprised if a version dating to 1800 or so could be found.

[thekid345]

Who said that?

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

 

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

 

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

 

"Who said that?" she demanded.

 

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

 

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

 

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

 

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

 

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh poo, we're in BIG trouble now!"

 

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

 

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

 

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

 

Pedro: "%&$! Cheney 2006!"

 

Little Johnny Learns Politics

 

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

 

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

[Marcus Wolfe]

Okay, True Story:

Yesterday, my father was researching a company called Cansolair, as he wished to buy one of their products. When we went to the contact page looking for their address, we saw this:

 

Cansolair Inc.

4 Hill Road

banana, NL A0B 1P0

Canada

 

Tel: (709) 582-3744

Fax:(709) 582-3788

 

 

I CAN'T MAKE THIS SH*T UP!

 

If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself!

[hoots7]

Nice one. Do you have it from the movie "Desperado"? Quentin Tarantino tells the joke there. He laughs out loud in the end, but no one else :P.

No, I haven’t seen the movie.

It's also quite similar to Banker's Bet.

I would not be surprised if a version dating to 1800 or so could be found.

Long, but still funny.

 

Glad you guys liked it, I heard it a long time ago must have been around 1982, I helped my dad build houses & you hear a lot of jokes (most I can’t repeat without breaking my own rules) in the construction industry.

 

Who said that?

Pedro ROCKs! 3

Okay, True Story:

Cansolair Inc.

4 Hill Road

banana, NL A0B 1P0

Canada

If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself!

That’s great man, sometimes life is funnier than fiction.

-H

[Marcus Wolfe]

The minister of agriculture was commenting dryly on a Saskatchewan farmer's field one day, but his free advice was worth every penny.

 

"Why, I'd be surprised if there was a dollar's worth of wheat growing on that acre of land over there!"

 

"So would I."

 

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I planted oats this year!"

[hoots7]

The sad thing is, some of these people VOTE !!!

 

1 Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

 

2 I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

 

3 A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

 

4 I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

 

5 Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

 

6 I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

7 Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

 

8 A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

 

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

[Marcus Wolfe]

Oh, those are some good ones!

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

 

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[kungfubellydancer]

"Is there really no such thing as a dumb question?"

 

Sorry, the only person who thinks my jokes are funny is me. If anyone got the above joke (yes, THAT was the joke) please rephrase it so most folks well understand it.

 

Here are some more pathetic jokes.

 

1) A lady wants to take a bath in milk. She calls the milk man to request a delivery of milk enough to fill her bathtub sufficiently. "Do you want it pastuerized?" He asks, and she replies, "No, just up to my breasts is fine."

 

2) The president of Russia, the king of Saudi Arabia, and the queen of England are flying in a plane together. TheQueen says, "I can tell if I'm over my country simply by putting my hand out the door of this plane. Can you?"

The president of Russia puts his hand out the door and says, "We are over my country."

"How do you know?" says the other two.

"Because it's very cold."

The King of Saudi Arabia puts his hand out and says, "now we are flying over my country."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's very hot."

Finally the queen of England puts her hand out and says, "now we're over my country."

"How do you know?"

"Because my watch is gone."

 

(I am not racist or anything; some records show that England is one of the top crime countries in the world.)

 

3) A blond, a redhead and a brunette are running from the police, when they chance upon a barn. They decide to hide inside. They each jump into empty bags they found, one labeled "Cats", one "Dogs", and one "Potatoes". The police come in. They kick the bag labeled "Cats" and subsequently heard a "Meow." They kick the one labeled "Dogs" and heard, "Woof." They kicked the one labeled "Potatoes," and heard, "Potatoes!"

 

4) Bob came home from school one day with a black eye. His dad asked, "What happened to you?"

"The teacher had a wedgie today, so I was kind enough to pull it out, and she hit me!"

The dad said, "You did what? Women don't like it when you do things like that!"

The next day Bob came home with a second black eye, to which the dad asked, "What happened now? I told you not to pull out your teacher's wedgies!"

To which he replied, "yes, but I didn't! She had a wedgie again today, and my friend pulled it. But I told him, 'Women don't like that!' so I pushed it back in!"

[kungfubellydancer]

Oh, I just noticed that this was a resurrected thread! Sorry! But I'll just put one last post here while I'm at it.

 

I found these Chuck Norris jokes somewhere, I didn't write them. I'm not into him either, but they are funny.

 

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

-If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

-How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

-The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

-Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the light bulb turns on.

-Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

-A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect.

-Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

-Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

-The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

-Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

-In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

[Blacksnake89]

He's a bunch of Jack Bauer jokes. Some find them funny some think they're dumb I find them to be meh.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams it's because he wants to beat you with it.

Jack Bauer never misses. If the bullet doesn't hit you it's because some other guy just got sniped.

Jack Bauer once went to the virgin Islands, they are now the islands.

When Jack Bauer works out the machine gets stronger.

Jack Bauer once got cut and bled all over the steering wheel of a semi-truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer doesn't sleep with his gun under his pillow, he sleeps with his pillow under his gun.

Some people see the glass as half empty, others see it as half full. Jack Bauer only sees that someone drank half his water, and that someone is gonna have a face full of glass.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until the day that Jack Bauer heard their music.

Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Jack Bauer arm wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Now time to wrap this up

It's true that Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice but it was withheld from the public he was counting Jack Bauer's kills.