Stuff That's funny LOTS OF JOKES

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

Anyone have a good joke? Edited August 8, 2011 by XxPockieNinjaxX

[iansaltman]

Why did the roman chicken cross the road?

Cause she didnt want anyone to caeser.

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

lmao XD wow ...

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

Blond Joke's

These joke's were told in good sport to all blond reader's Im a blond my self so theres no harm meant by them Enjoy

 

 

Joke #1

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and cant find her license. ?I must have left it at home, officer.??

 

Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?? asks the cop.

 

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, ?I do have this picture of me.?

 

?Let me see it,? says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, ?Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn?t have stopped you.?

 

 

Joke #2

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut.

 

The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair.

 

At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

 

She hears: ?Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

 

 

 

Joke #3

pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

 

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

 

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Edited August 8, 2011 by XxPockieNinjaxX

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

 

 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

 

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

 

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

 

She replies, "Yes."

 

He asks what she is doing.

 

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

 

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

 

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

[billyro]

It's funny how blondes are always believed to be... let's say, dim.

I'm blonde, and I consider myself rather intelligent (hey, everyone has their own opinions :P ). Me doesn't even spoke different to others. :D

 

Okay, back onto the joking and less onto the dimness of blonde people.

 

 

 

What did the first mate see in the toilet?

 

The captain's log.

[iansaltman]

I think I just threw up a little :yucky:

[Balagor]

An absent-minded man runs into the bathtoom, open his waistcoat, pulls out his tie and pee in the pants. :tongue:

[RavveN]

Competing Jesus, Chuck Norris and Buddah in who has the most godlike powers:

 

Jesus: Ok you see that river you two i bet you can't go across it walking...

Chuck Norris: Pfff watch and learn! ( he walks,walks and he made it )

Jesus: Hmmm i can do it too...( jesus goes very slowly and crosses )

Buddah: If you can i can too! ( buddah falls in water )

Jesus: Hahaha Chuck so he didn't knew about that plank underwater eh? :D

Chuck Norris: What plank? O.o

 

 

Srry for bad english ^^

[XxPockieNinjaxX]

I started the forum cause of my love for jokes.Enjoy :3

 

Joke 1 ----0 to 200 in 6 seconds ----

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really mad.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

Joke 2 ---Zero Chance----

 

Nurse: How old are you?

Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

 

 

 

 

Joke 3 ----Trip to the Vet----

 

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?”

 

“Well” said the vet “lets have a look at him”

 

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it’s eyes.

 

“Well” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down”

 

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.

 

“No, because he’s heavy” says the vet.

 

 

 

 

 

Joke 4 -----Frog Hotline-----

 

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

 

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

 

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

 

 

 

 

 

Joke 5 ---Beware of Dog----

 

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

 

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

 

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

 

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

 

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”