At what time does parental discipline become abusive and who should ma

[HeyYou]

In my personal opinion, physically assaulting a child is a sign of weakness. It shows you are out of control of the situation. I'm not going to preach about how easy it is to keep calm when dealing with your own kids because I've never had my own children, but that's what I think every time I see a parent slap their kid at the supermarket, the adult is almost always flustered and all over the place.

 

Though I've never had kids, I know a lot of parents. I see the people who slap their kids regularly and notice that most of the time these people lack in self-confidence and their own capabilities as a parent. I was smacked once or twice as a child (literally no more than twice in my entire childhood) and both these times it was my dad who smacked me. The incidents were both fairly close time-wise and at the time my dad had just been made redundant and my mum was pregnant with my sister and I was only four so it was obviously a stressful time.

 

I have NEVER been hit since then and my sister has never been hit by my parents in her entire life. I'd like to think that we're both great people. I'm a bit of an anti-social geek whereas she has a million friends but we're both fairly clear on our own morals and we both agree that we'd never hurt a child unless it was a life or death situation, and certainly not as a method of disipline. Like I say, we were never hit and we're fine.

 

Hitting children seems wrong to me because it's so primitive. I'd much rather teach my child that they will have privileges revoked if they don't do as they're told. I find that most kids will listen if you tell them calmly and firmly what it is you are displeased with (even if they don't get the "logic" they get the tone of voice). Is spanking setting a good example? If your child grows up and gets a job in the local store, will they be whipped if they turn up to work late? No, they'll get a talking to and have their privileges (pay) revoked. I'm sure that some of you will point out the fact I've never had to raise kids and I'd say no I haven't, but my parents have and they did it without resorting to violence.

 

You obviously haven't tried to reason with a very young child.......

[myrmaad]

I never "reason" with a child.

 

I explain my reasons, I explain what we're doing, but debate is not fostered. (Otherwise you could be here forever thinking of answers to "why?") On the other hand I avoid saying "because I said so". I don't think that's fair or encourages them learning how things work.

 

When the child is very young, they normally get used to me just picking them up and moving them to wherever (either away from danger or toward the goal).

 

I think some people talk a child to death, so to speak.

 

I changed my first diaper at age 9, (my first niece), and I had my first nanny job at 19, and I taught Head Start in the 80s.

 

One of my grandnephews is mentally disabled and has behavioral problems, but he is responding positively to my methods, believe me I didn't think I'd see the day, he's a tough case. But he's been doing very well, and guess what his currency is: time with us.

[Jopo1980]

Assaulting and beating a child to death or serious injury is deeply wrong, but I don´t have a problem with parents using minor physical punishments on their kids to stress the seriousness of the violation and to deter further acts. Whether physical punishment is the best alternative depends on the case, but sometimes words may not be enough. I have no kids of my own and currently I don´t plan on having any so it is quite unlikely that I will ever have to deal with that dilemma.

[Beriallord]

When I got out of line when I was a kid, I got back handed, not hard, but hard enough to get the point across. And when I look back on those times I did get slapped/spanked I think I deserved it. Corporal punishment, used responsibly and with self control and discretion should be a parental right. My dad says when he got out of line he was beat on the back of the legs with a rawhide strap, and it drew blood, and in my opinion that is overkill. Something like a quick slap to the face, not hard enough to leave a mark or anything just to get their attention if they are outright ignoring you and not doing what they are told is appropriate.

[naomis8329]

There is a difference between chastising a child and abusing a child and if one does not realise the difference then one should not be looking after the child in the first place.

 

Chastising doesn't necessarily have to be physical, neither does abuse. Chastisement should teach a child the positives with regard to behaviour and life, abuse doesn't. Chastising should not harm, mentally or physically, abuse does. Logic also plays a role here if what you are about to do to a child will result in hurt or an escalation of violence then you are doing it wrong.

 

I personally hate physically chastising my children (or any child left in my care). I'm usually the one left feeling "wrong" if I have to and that is not good for either me or the child involved. In extreme circumstances I exercise time out and most children hate this as it involves being isolated from the rest of the family or group of people and being forced to rethink a given situation. With younger children a "naughty step" or chair is utilised and again the result is the child having to think about why they are there and apologising for their behaviour. With extremely young children it is the removal of them from the situation or showing them what it is you want them to do, without force or aggressive behaviour.

 

In most situations the trick is to remain calm and try to stay detached as if you allow emotions to come into play then they get in the way and rational thought easily flies through the window into the ether lol.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should try to educate our young people in how to chastise without violence (this should always be a last resort), without raised voices and without an action leading to an adverse reaction.

 

We have, by many laws, hamstrung ourselves in how we can chastise and punish our children. Here in the UK we can't lock a child up ie put them in their room and lock the door, this is false imprisonment and a parent can be arrested for it. In the case of extreme punishment if a child is physically struck and then tells a teacher, the child can be removed from the household, police and social workers called and a six month program enforced to re-integrate the child back into the family environment. Go figure.... and I'm not talking about a regular beating or slapping, this is a one off, the result of consistent bad behaviour by the child involving Police coming to the home and anti-social behaviour orders being threatened against said child.

 

So I guess I'm also saying, restraint, logic and a measured response in all forms of punishment.

[Ihoe]

Well, I got my fair share of spanking and slapping (with me being spanked and slapped for the record) and being a teen by most standards, I wouldn't call it abuse, not by long a shot.

 

A single spank on the child's hide can stop him from running towards a moving car, as can a dozen start him to run a moving car toward his parents. It's a matter of relativity, relative to ideals, religion, pure Psychology, many factors. I can say with candorness, that if a child respected their parents and knew by their heart, that whatever their parents do is for their own good, for their own success, then they would never raise a hand against them.

 

Well, since those ideals seem long gone today from my vista, there may or may not be an increase in crime or the global consumption of tomatoes. And an increase or decrease in communist activities.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Ihoe

[gmg2dave]

I don’t think that either side of this argument for or against corporal punishment is wrong. And by that I mean is that each is a valid method of achieving the goal of raising a well-behaved child. And each has their merits and flaws. Some children respond better to one method than the other and all parents certainly have the right, and more importantly the responsibility, to choose which method they are most comfortable with using. The method in this case is not as important in my mind as is the finished product. What is important is understanding why disciplining a child is so important, and consistently applying whichever form of discipline you are most comfortable with using to that child.

 

As a for instance, my parents both used different methods of disciplining us when I was growing up, and coming from a fairly large family of 7 boys, and 1 girl (and MAN was she spoiled!) they certainly had plenty of practice at doing so. On us boys at least, the aforementioned girl was an awful brat. Now one of my younger brothers for instance, you could hit him with a 2x4" and it wouldn't faze him, or get the point across that what he was doing was wrong. But put him in a corner or take away a toy, and he got it. Me on the other hand, I was a stubborn cuss, you needed that 2x4" to get it through my thick skull that something was wrong. And sometimes repeated applications of said 2x4" where needed to make it stick. Mind you, I never actually got hit with a 2x4", although I am fairly certain there were times my Father was sorely tempted to apply one liberally to my head. So spanking Tim did no good what so ever (I swear that kid didn’t know what pain was) but for me being put in a corner was useless, because in my mind, 10 minutes of staring at a wall wasn’t so much a punishment as it was a short break, and wasn’t going to get the point across.

 

What IS important is that a child has to have boundaries, he has to know what is and is not acceptable behavior, and the consequences of crossing those boundaries. Any child is going to keep pushing until he finds those boundaries, and he is going to continually test them. It is human nature to do so, as a species we need to have clearly defined rules in order to live with each other in a (semi) orderly fashion. So when a child pushes those boundaries he is trying to define in his own mind what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. He isn’t doing it just to get punished; he needs the parent to tell him “thus far and no farther”. The problems arise when the parent doesn’t set those boundaries and thus the child keeps pushing to find them. And if it is not done in a consistent manner, then the child gets confused and keeps trying to draw a response from the parent to define the new boundaries. And it just snowballs from there. Without consequences there are no boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no unacceptable behavior, and we end up with an out of control child. And ultimately, an out of control adult.

[Sepherose]

My personal stance is this: I'll explain what my kids did that was wrong, and why, one or two times. After that, I take their favorite toy for a couple of days. If that still doesn't work, I watch them and when they are about to do it again, I reach out and give them a quick but firm two fingered tap on their shoulder, followed by time out and again taking their favorite toy. After that, I typically don't have to say anything more that "Hey! You know you aren't supposed to do that." And it stops. I don't look at a two fingered tap on the shoulder as abuse though, and I should hope that those with sense wouldn't either. But like has been said: Consistency is key when raising a child.

[SilverDNA]

A loot of posts identifies physical abuses in this topic but how about Psychological Abuses, additionally with Black Pedagogy / Poisonous Pedagogy?

The damage is to a child's soul can be disastrous and last a whole life. Is it a crime as some people see it or is it a parents right to do this to a child ? Where is the border from normal behaviour to an abusive non physical harming behaviour to a child?

Edited January 5, 2012 by SilverDNA

[Deleted1744345User]

When I was younger I often got out of line with my parents. Neither of my parents physically abused me, but that doesn't mean that I didn't receive corporal punishment. My dad sometimes would just press down on one of my pressure points (like behind the ear) until I stopped. My parents also explained to me why what I was doing was wrong, and I think they did a decent enough of a job at it. I think punishment has to be flexible based on the type of behavior and it has to be consistent. Parents also need to be better role models or they will just breed bad behavior into their children. That is how we teach them what is right and wrong.

 

I also believe that some children are just born rotten to the core and that is where most of society's most troublesome come from. DNA is also factor in behavior, not just environmental factors alone.