Intended for a mature audience...

[themusician2]

She has slept with other women before so this is way past curiosity, as far as I'm concerned. My argument is that she doesn't want me to push the threesome issue because like said in an earlier post up there some where, women seem to think men all have a lesbian fantasy. I'm certain the stigma girls have when it comes to other girls is more of a "she's such a prostitute" than anything unless she really is attracted to women. I could be wrong.

[Yoshh]

... and she just does it for my pleasure...

 

If you don't feel comfortable about it, it certainly isn't for your pleasure, though I'm pretty sure you've cleared that out already with your wife. Unfortunately things aren't so black&white when marriage comes into play.

If she does this more than often, perhaps you two should have a more serious conversation about the issue, or even looking for help with specialists, if it comes to that.

Edited January 30, 2012 by Yoshh

[Illiad86]

The divorce thing I'm sure she ment jokingly but I'm sure she would if it actually happened. But as far as my enjoying watching, she is afraid of that IMO. She is jealous and doesn't want a threesome because she feels I will leave her for the other woman. Which wouldn't happen. She doesn't believe me though. But she isn't a bad person. She is great and this was ment to stay light hearted. We aren't at each others throats about it but she does get defensive about it.

 

 

That is pretty normal. Us ladies tend to get a little more jealous than men, especially when it comes to that sort of stuff. You can't really pressure anyone in to doing that, things at home have to be stable and your marriage has to be strong. Even if it is, some fantasies should remain fantasies. But, if she's the jealous type, it probably wouldn't happen. Jealousy can go both ways though. What if she suggested another male come into the bedroom? How would you feel about that? Bringing another person into your relationship can be extremely complicated because well...it's another person. They have their own feelings about it, their expectations, etc.

 

I honestly don't get the "lesbian fantasy" thing myself. Yeah, I guess a lot of men like the idea of it, but how many would actually let it happen? I asked my boyfriend about it once, he really didn't seem to be interested in the idea. He asked me about it and I said I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it because I'm not attracted to women. It has to go both ways when it comes to things like this. We both have some fantasies we agree upon, but wouldn't go and do it. They aren't sick or anything, but we see no point in doing them because we are already sexually healthy and happy. Plus, what I said above about bringing another person in. It's a person, not a sex toy.

 

I really don't know what to say about her, but I think she's pulling the "every man's fantasy" card like another poster has said. I think she just says she does it for you and other male's pleasure because she herself is embarrassed about admitting that she is attracted to other women. There's really nothing embarrassing about it, IMO.

Edited January 30, 2012 by Illiad86

[Vagrant0]

So let me start off by saying if you cannot discuss this topic on at least a high school educated level, please skip this thread. Thank you.

 

Now let's cut to the chase. My wife and I were having a debate about this and she suggested I asked random people. And I thought what's more random than the nexus forums? My wife has had expierience with the same sex on more than one occasion, brings it up often, and has made out with girls while drunk. In front of me. When the air clears, and we sober up she insists that she is not attracted to the same sex and she just does it for my pleasure and the pleasure of other men. (before we met and in her younger years) I call her out on this and say something along the lines of "that makes no sense". I refer to the classic "if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck then it's a duck" style of logic.

 

My question is what do the members of nexus forums think about this? Has anyone been in this situation? Am I completely off base and in no way should believe my wife is attracted to women? If there are any women on the forum, feel free to chime in. And for all the guys, again, let's keep it mature and reasonable. No "ah dude why are you complaining? I know I wouldn't be!" or anything like that. Thanks in advance.

I think, first off, you need to calm down. If it bothers you enough to air it in public, then it is undoubtedly affecting your relationship. I think that should be your main concern over pretty much everything else.

 

Second. Coming from a reasonable background in sociology and human sexuality, this behavior isn't that uncommon. A good portion of the population has natural tendencies or even learned ones when inebriated. Sometimes this is more open sexual behavior, sometimes this just allows other people to be more openly familiar (for guys it's usually giving other guys hugs). This behavior is variable based on the society norms and just how drunk a person is. If this was behavior that was allowed, or even encouraged in the past, it can spring up without their knowledge or intention, or even their memory.

 

Third. It's just a kiss. Kissing is just pressing lips together, and maybe involves some drunken groping. I think you're really blowing things out of proportion here. A kiss is miles away from some sort of marital commitment or the deep emotional bond that usually goes along with it.

 

 

What I think you might really want to do is get into some couples counseling. This sounds like a much large issue for you than for her, and seem to have some noticeable issues that need to be worked out. Yes, this may require you having to grow as both a person, and a couple, but I wouldn't ignore this problem, or just go on what some forum bodies say about it.

[themusician2]

Since we are listing in such an aggressive manner...

 

Firstly: if you thought I was going insane over this, I can assure you I wasn't. If you would have read the posts, then you could/should be able to understand that this was a light hearted debate between my wife and I. I posted this because her challenge was to ask random people what they thought. I can quote it if you need.

 

Secondly: I understand a kiss is just a kiss, when it comes to women at least. If she wanted me to kiss another guy, or another girl and let me assure you I'm not into that, then she would know. This is because I would let her know with undeniable conviction. This, as a matter of fact, is so true that it's a non issue. If she liked that, and I don't believe she does, then she has never asked me. Not even in the middle of our debate. She knows my answer. My question was there is a double standard.. Why?

 

Third: I really don't like being attacked when I ask a question. If you have a background that you are claiming then that would be extremely helpful. You should have lead with that foot. Instead you make it sound as if I were talking about you. I wasn't mean spirited about this, I never swore, or talk bad about her. I love my wife. I'm trying to understand her. If I didn't care I would just sit back and enjoy the show.

 

The other thing you also seem to not have picked up on, is she has had more experience other than kissing with people we both know involving men and women. So her point and yours seem to be a kiss is just a kiss, when I observe what she does and hear what she says, I'm not so sure.

[Halororor]

If you're not expressly asking her to do it, why is she doing it for you? That's the way I see it. If she didn't have a sexual attraction to other females, she wouldn't be doing something for 'your' enjoyment unless you asked, right? As far as I can tell, she's just using it as a very convenient excuse.

 

If it's really starting to affect your relationship (like I very well imagine it would), it might be time to sit her down and have a serious discussion with her about it, and failing that, go for marriage counselling. It's not just an issue of her kissing other women, it's an issue of her kissing people she isn't married to, period. Your partner is married to you and should not do something, even if it's just a light kiss, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Edited January 31, 2012 by Halororor

[Nintii]

Hmmm ... *thinking*, this is interesting, I have a girlfriend who is particularly close - we are not lovers just in case you ask - we are just very close ... when we have a few

drinks we hang onto each other and hug a lot ... sometimes we kiss, we call it "comfort kissing" ... sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, "comfort kissing" even though we call it that.

What I mean by that is that we kiss to "bond" it's more like a real intimate act of showing our love and acceptance of each other ... and no, we don't sleep with each other,

we are FRIENDS ... you must remember that females are different from guys ... very different.

It all depends on the person and your "standing" with them ... some will will openly and unashamedly discuss their deepest secrets with me, while others will just hold my hand

and my other friends will just lay all entwined on the bed or wherever and just talk and giggle like schoolgirls ... and this friend that I have in mind, well we kiss ... it's

as simple as that.

Oh and very importantly, we never do this in public ... ever.

Some things we do you could never do if you were two guys ... if you did it you'd most probablt be branded as gay.

Let' me ask you a question, do you invite your male friends into the change room when you try on clothing ? .... NO !, I do and so do tons of other women.

Qhen you go to the Gents do you invite your male friend to go with you ? ... no friggin way !!!

 

Here have a bit of fun with this .........

 

But havinfg said that, if your girlfriend is going to talk about it in a manner in which she "knows" that it is a "turn on", then she is doing it for that reason, don't be fooled.

Edited January 31, 2012 by Nintii

[myrmaad]

Perhaps you should find a more appropriate website in order to discuss the ramifications of this personal issue.

 

I have been happily married 30 years now. The very first rule of my happy marriage is "Never be the source of my partner's unhappiness."

[Vagrant0]

Since we are listing in such an aggressive manner...

I was not being aggressive. I was trying to be clear and concise. I'm sorry you took it in that way, but this too could be evidence that you have some strong and very personal feelings about this subject. The reality is this. People have a life before marriage. If she had a few boyfriends or even experimented with other girls, the result of these trials and subsequent errors was meeting you. She would not be with you if there was not some deeper connection. She would not be with you if these tendencies you are so concerned about were a significant part of who she is. Letting it get under your skin and being defensive about it is just destructive behavior, for both you and your marriage.

 

Let's flip this around and put you in her shoes (yes, well aware that you're straight as a ray of light through open space). What if instead of her being the one kissing girls and some past of lesbian interaction, it was you getting drunk and kissing guys, having some incidents during college where you also experimented. How would you feel, despite loving her deeply and deciding to spend your life with her, that she was getting out of sorts because you might be "secretly gay"? You'd be crushed. You'd feel horrible because rather than accept you as a whole person she is focusing on those elements which are not always in control, and is letting it affect the relationship. These feelings, her history, regardless how much substance they have, is part of who she is. This is not to say that some of them cannot be worked out in time (laying off the alcohol might help) but that they are part of who she is, and when it comes to love, personal morality tends to ruin things because people are not perfect.

 

Bisexual tendencies also seem to be more common than usually reported because of the various social stigmas. Among them women are more likely to exhibit these tendencies, more often than not when past abuse by men (usually a father or older boyfriend) is present. Once you dip your head into some communities, stories of abuse are too common to ignore as a factor. I don't have any neat reports to throw at you claiming this, but it may be the case here, even indirectly. It's easy to screw up how someone is wired, hard to get them sorted out.

 

Regardless, this is something you will need to come to terms with and get worked out with some sort of professional help. She should be more considerate of your feelings, but you should be more accepting of who she is.

[themusician2]

The above scenario has been discussed and her reaction has been pointed out. I know how she would feel about. She knows how I would feel about it had she asked me to kiss guys. But I have come to the conclusion that people think I'm looking for some "ah hah" moment in here. Just gathering information. Posing a question and seeing what people say. That was my challenge.