I have borne this story alone far to long

[Aeryn333]

I want to thank Dezi, for her support and her example to dare to write, that I might also dare write what has long been inside me..parts I have shared with a few..here is the whole story...Love you Sister!!! I want to thank Dani also for her support..thanks Sister.

 

 

 

I have borne this story alone far to long

 

Part 1

Tonight I shed tears for beaches, I have never run upon, locked in arms embrace and laughing at the waves playful ecstasy..

 

I weep for ne'er bare foot kicking water on someone near. Or building sand castles for the waiting sea to consume.

 

I long for rivers I have never walked in unalone. For holding hands and laughing until night comes, to claim the day.

 

I weep tonight for ne'er laying in a flowered field embraced, and basking in the golden sun.

 

I've spent a lifetime, after Da and then Grans moved on to the next world ,dead of feelings, all but one ..rage..all others buried so deep, I forgotten their name, with only body pain to remind me of their burial.

 

When Da passed on cradled in my lap, his blood, running down my arms..I took no noticed of the blood running down my legs..The 5 male without a father Dubliners that shot the Rebel, raped the daughter, that fought like a man,by his side, brutalised by their hate and prejudice, left alive as an example for my kind. Abomimation..yet we fought for peace, aye….peace..what a bloody day, that was for peace..My blood and his mingled in the night..One man came back seeing my Da stir not yet dead, he lifted the gun to Da's head, with all the strength in me, with the vengeance of the Goddess herself, I wrestled with him, the other cowards had run away from their vile deed..The gun went off..and two men lay dead that dark night, the one man I had ever loved my Da, and the man that became my enemy..Me the one who would not harme a fly, blood on my hands, and between my legs..destroyed my heart that night..and all the beauty that had been within me..

 

How strange we were all Irish, the worst was over, yet in the dark of night, why were we still killing each other..why….?

 

Grans comforted me…for her I endured, but on the day she left this world, I stopped the pretence, I was, for her sake.. I was now alone..Death and shadows crept upon me, my rage burst free and all I was left with is emptiness, and rage..her teachings, her words, blinded in an upheavel of all I had buried that night.. blinding pain..burst free..

 

I have walked through the fires of a civil wars aftermath, the furnace of child abuse abandonment and neglect..by me Ma, and brother, survived drugs , jailed for my Rebel protests, in the rage that stayed with me for so long..suffered bodily afflictions that haunted my life, internalised intense emotions no doubt their source..what had become of me.. Me the small red haired child of wonder, where did she go.

 

[Aeryn333]

Part 2

I left hope behind on the night Grans went to her rest, there was no more light, now, just me, alone in the night..

 

To my Fenian brothers in battle for peace..I was Gay when I fought by your side and you did not know, and thought I was a man.. I had your backs in the night, we worked , sweated, side by side. Now that my mask has been removed, am I so different, has one word made me so different..once you trusted me with your lives, now I am pariah to you..I yelled to deaf ears..till my voice ached and I could yell no more.

 

I sought the solace of death, I chased it down the dark corridors, and streets..of Cork city..I sought its release as one seeks water for life..Set me free I cried from this cruel world, that now brands me, and distances me..Drugs in alleyways, married womyn seeking sex, escaping in the silence of the night from their boring lives, for a taste of the forbidden, to only shun me in the day…I used and was used..till I was all used up..

 

Burnt and broken never knowing what being loved and loving can be..in my womon self...in the heart of me long shattered into bits..

 

I went home to the bog in West Cork, to the isolated cabin of my despair..my rage exhausted, only empty remained.

 

Face what now!! What can touch me now..rape, violation, judgement , despair and pain of all kinds I have known them all. Unwanted friends. Aye, I am overfull, who can hurt. destroy me now, but my own hand, though I tried, even death did not seem to want me.

 

 

 

I locked away the empty and pretended. I did not need anyone, nay not me!!!!!!

 

Pretending love was an illusion of time, I turned away when lovers did embrace..Not needing, not wanting , and ne'er having someone, gently, lovingly tenderly touch my face.

 

I bought my illusion of isolation, a divine calling to a hermitage of soul..

 

I believed the blame lay on my own self, born flawed as I came to believe. How can all around me be wrong, no it is I. Child of the Elven one Grans…is that what you called me, special, aye, and like them driven into a realm far from humynkind.., Devastated and feeling unlovably lost, I embraced the worlds destiny for ones such as I..

 

I tremble ne'er having known, what lay deep within my entirety to hold, there was a beautiful soul. Lost somewhere upon this long road..waiting for me to realise its reality..To know uniqueness is in the eyes that behold..

 

The energy of passion and capacity to love, when stifled away, crushes all you can be, and on your outward projections, you hold your self beliefs for all to see..

 

Alone in silence, tis been many moons in this hermitage …one with the woods I have become, goddess of the bogs…for ages it seems. filled with self anger..Only the River Lee shared my tears, when they'd come and catch me unaware.. Diamond shaped they drop into the rivers pool, as the sun caught them, a distorted image appeared in the waters, to confirm the distortion of me..

 

[Aeryn333]

Part 3

A sharp pain in my heart as I walked back from the rivers edge.., my breath ragged, my arm numb…the pain down my arm, so this was it, my heart was to give way, how fitting ..it had broken so many times, I was surprised it lasted this long, in so many pieces..

 

Ah I thought death comes to me at last, come to end my misery…Oh Sweet Death!!!..Come take me to the shores of Avalon..away from this world, its hate, its violence its….. I dropped to my knees, and fell into my death..

 

A bright light came…and out of it stepped a Goddess of such beauty..She walked towards me…I am Morrigan Mother of Death, She spoke softly, and you child have you lost your way.?!

 

Have you forgotten what your Grans taught you?!

 

I cried out..Look at me Mother! Look at my life…look…I am a vile thing covered with blood..

 

No! child you look, yesterday is yesterday, and yesterday twas but a lie.. ..Today is new..behold the truth.. as She raised the mirror to my face. First let me tear away the veil of man made illusion, a world of uncaring cruelty, and limited sight has placed over your eyes..

 

She lifted the veil..I hesitatingly looked into the mirror and cried as beauty stared back at me..She smiled as the light began to fade, and sounds of the world came into my ears again.. remember who you are child, echoed in my mind, and never forget again..you are a living goddess, as all womyn are..

 

You are of distant Elven blood, as was your Grans and Da before you, child of the Sidhe..You are far more than what others see..now go back you are not yet done…

 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

My eyes opened with a shutter, bright lights in my eyes..a room, green coats, damn I thought, I am alive again..I don't want to be here..

 

Illusion some say, chemical releases in the brain, hallucinations, for the heart stopping and the lack of oxygen to the brain..many reasons why..

 

I can believe that, or believe what happened in me..after the shock wore off, I felt different inside, wiped clean somehow....something inside me had changed.. my life....I choose the latter, to believe..and oh the difference it has made…I care not if you think me daft, I have my life back… nothing can change that fact..

 

The road back from isolation has not been an easy one, for I was out of touch with others so long, social interactions are strange at times to me..awkward..But I am here, in this place..that's all I can say..

 

The road to healing was a longer one, upon a path filled with judgements hounds that stalk me, and landmines placed indiscriminately along the road to trip me...sometimes I trip, and get back up and continue on. Gran's used to say, its no shame to fall on your face its what you do about it after, that matters… So I walk not perfectly, yet walk it I do, faithfully. I tell this story for those that walk it too..but most of all for I borne it to long alone..

 

It does not change the emptiness that surrounds me..The judgement that hounds my every step,the anger at injustice that slips out, nor the triggers I have to memories sometimes. But they have lessened greatly with time, and are so brief in passing now..

 

It does not burn away the afflictions created in those long years of despair, and self judgement, and punishment, it takes a toll on the body..nor does it change the pain endured , then or now..

 

I understand but one thing, as I walk this Path..I am one hell of a womon once again.

 

I do not walk this Path alone now, my Grans spirit is with me, and so are the Sidhe..Depth of pain as I have known can drive one so far within, way from the distractions of the world.. can open ones eyes to things beyond what many can see..in this horrible pain I have been blessed!!! I walk between two worlds now, in this is a blessing and curse at times also..For many do not understand..Yet for me, it was the way out of hell, and walk it I will, no matter what others say..

 

I am grand-daughter of Caitlín B. of Connemara, and daughter of Michael O. of West Cork..I have survived hell.. I am of ancient Elven blood, I am Druid Sidhe, I am goddesss, I am free… No matter what I must yet endure, in this life, no-one can take that from me!!!!

Edit, after much thought, I decided, for own safety to edit out my families last names)

 

I leave this my story, with but one plea, be kind to those different from thee, lest you have walked a mile in their shoe, let no-one endure what I been through...let all around this world be free to be...this is my prayer so let it be!!!!

 

I also leave this story of this one lifetime amidst many…with the words of the Bard..our lives are but a dream.. Dream well..lets all make the best of life for ourselves and for others…For we are all but actors on a stage, lets us play our roles well…for in the end not a wit can be taken back.. When the final curtain closes on this lifetime..

 

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

As I foretold you, were all spirits, and

Are melted into air, into thin air:

And like the baseless fabric of this vision,

The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,

The solemn temples, the great globe itself,

Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,

And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,

Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff

As dreams are made on; and our little life

Is rounded with a sleep." W. Shakesphere

This is my story… tred softly on this ground..

 

 

K.A.

 

 

[dezdimona]

We've talked and shared before,but this still brings tears to my eyes. Never forget that you are still loved. If I could I'd hold you now,comfort you,and tell you to be at peace.

Sometimes we take things for granted,a loved one, a friend, and all to quick they're gone,kept alive in memory only.

 

Life is always a struggle, and seems at times not always fair, and yes I to once stood at the edge,life and death balanced just waiting for me to fall. I blamed God,and people for what I felt, but when I finally surrendered, my life changed.

Young I may be,but a lifetime its like I have lived already.

 

I was drawn to you when I first came here,like a moth to a flame. I saw in you courage and heart,loyalty and yes,desperation. I know that what I say now are just words,but they come from my heart. I am so proud of you, and so very glad that we met, for I have learned from you and my life is enriched. I believe that all things happen for a reason,and that we don't always understand the "great plan", but I do know we we're destined to meet and to share.

You are indeed a goddess and I thank you for allowing me to share part of your burden,for is that not what true friends do!

I'm glad that your burden has been lifted,the weight gone, what a wonderful feeling when you come to terms with yourself and what you believe in. To be set free in heart and spirit is the greatest feeling in the world. I love you dearly, and be at peace my sister.. and thankyou for sharing a part of you with the rest of us.

And keep on! Your story was indeed enlightening and intrigueing

[gandalftw]

I'm sitting here overcome by what i've just read.What can i possibly say?There is this great paradox in what i was feeling as i read your words.How can there be such great beauty in words that describe such horror?It's going to take some time for me to understand what i felt and why. All i know is that what you experienced at deaths doorstep can't possibly be an illusion for it seems to me you were touched by a wisdom so profound as to defy any and all so-called educated opinions.I'm not a religious person yet your story has given me pause to considerations that i thought i had given up,not to mention a memory that i thought i had successfully discounted.Talking about myself here,tho,at this time,seems somehow wrong so i'll keep it for another day.

I wish for you continued benefits from that otherworldly gift you were given.Also,i must thank you for your writing for after reading it i felt gifted as well.Peace.

[Lisnpuppy]

Blessed Be Sister.

[Aeryn333]

Go raibh mile maith agat( a thousand thank yous) for those that had the courage to respond

We've talked and shared before,but this still brings tears to my eyes. Never forget that you are still loved. If I could I'd hold you now,comfort you,and tell you to be at peace.

Sometimes we take things for granted,a loved one, a friend, and all to quick they're gone,kept alive in memory only.

 

Life is always a struggle, and seems at times not always fair, and yes I to once stood at the edge,life and death balanced just waiting for me to fall. I blamed God,and people for what I felt, but when I finally surrendered, my life changed.

Young I may be,but a lifetime its like I have lived already.

 

I was drawn to you when I first came here,like a moth to a flame. I saw in you courage and heart,loyalty and yes,desperation. I know that what I say now are just words,but they come from my heart. I am so proud of you, and so very glad that we met, for I have learned from you and my life is enriched. I believe that all things happen for a reason,and that we don't always understand the "great plan", but I do know we we're destined to meet and to share.

You are indeed a goddess and I thank you for allowing me to share part of your burden,for is that not what true friends do!

I'm glad that your burden has been lifted,the weight gone, what a wonderful feeling when you come to terms with yourself and what you believe in. To be set free in heart and spirit is the greatest feeling in the world. I love you dearly, and be at peace my sister.. and thankyou for sharing a part of you with the rest of us.

And keep on! Your story was indeed enlightening and intrigueing

 

Ta for your etheric hug I felt it..It was long ago Dezi...I am much better now...the healing process is a lifetime thing....PTSD will be with me always.. how I handle it is now more in my hands ..I know I told you and Dani in parts...privately, but there was something about releasing by voicing it publicly, so it is with release its in the voicing, that truly dissolves any power over us left over.. ..what a catharsis it was for what remained my dark secret...hidden so long from the day.., brought to light also was a healing, I cannot explain..

I too was drawn to you, kindred soul..when you have been friends before in another time, so to speak,its easy to be charas again, its almost picking up where you left off of sorts...

 

It matters not only few replies, 35 reads, I expected that..I knew, of only two people who would respond, the third is a welcomed yet not unexpected reply..When you get real naked you find out whom your real friends are, as a Sagittarius, I like knowing that ahead of time, before I believe the word others say..to much...words are oft cheap..Dezi you have been always true to your words..and I love you for it..For its not what others say I believe, its do they back it with action, thats what makes a true friend and that you are..

 

Ah love It just the way it is..la..It was for me..Now its done.At first I spent the night thinking what have I done..I felt so naked..Like I woke up this morning lighter...Its not like the Irish to air their dirty laundry so to speak..But I prefer not the pubs to drown my stories in as most..

 

Like eh things do happen for a reason, I believe this too..Aye, it is indeed, what true friends do..Dezi you and I know you are a older soul love, and we older souls sometimes come in with immense challenges to clear up allot of karmic emotional leftovers in our souls...Like we are also usually forerunners..they always take flack..Truth served without garnish is not to manys taste unfortuantely..

However lightly sautéed frog legs with garnish is...lolol..A wee bit of humour to lighten this up...tis the Irish way. :wink:

 

As for writing more, I don't think my Kahlil Gibran type of prose writing would be welcome, nor would would be people's cup of tea here...

 

As my said favourite Poet Kahili wrote exemplifies what i write...."Such is what people say of me and they are right, for I am indeed a fanatic and I am inclined toward destruction as well as construction. There is 'abhorrence' in my heart for that which my detractors sanctify, and love for that which they reject. And if I could uproot certain customs, beliefs and traditions of the people, I would do so without hesitation. When they said my books were poison, they were speaking truth about themselves, for what I say is poison to them. But they falsified when they said I mix honey into it, for I apply the poison full strength and pour it from transparent glass."

But thank you for post, and the depth of it...I could not deal with the silence..or the ignoring..now that people know who I am, you know with the state of the nation being what it is, there, what would happen. After all my comin' out, and standing up for my people, fro we are all connected on this earth.. no matter where they are.. in that hot topic..Twas worth it I speak not only for me, but those who have no voice tis the way its been ,tis the way it will always be with me..and in full knowing I face whatever consequences, as always..

For I am no longer just a bard, but a lesbian one, and to many that will make the difference, to just ignore me, its OK I am at peace with that...Love you Dezi, for that big accepting heart of yours..

 

Lisnpuppy Posted Today, 08:46 PM

Blessed Be Sister.

Dani..Blessed BE!!!! Hope your well!!

 

gandalftw Posted Today, 06:44 PM

I'm sitting here overcome by what i've just read.What can i possibly say?There is this great paradox in what i was feeling as i read your words.How can there be such great beauty in words that describe such horror?It's going to take some time for me to understand what i felt and why. All i know is that what you experienced at deaths doorstep can't possibly be an illusion for it seems to me you were touched by a wisdom so profound as to defy any and all so-called educated opinions.I'm not a religious person yet your story has given me pause to considerations that i thought i had given up,not to mention a memory that i thought i had successfully discounted.Talking about myself here,tho,at this time,seems somehow wrong so i'll keep it for another day.

I wish for you continued benefits from that otherworldly gift you were given.Also,i must thank you for your writing for after reading it i felt gifted as well.Peace

 

 

Just replying says allot .. :wink:

In Ireland its called true Bardic writing , listen to our traditional songs, beautiful music, haunting, with some of the saddest true stories in them..To make pain into beauty is an art form here..

I cannot say I am surprised you showed up here. I have read some of your posts dear gandalf, and I know of your struggle within..Except what happen to you it was real..Well I am not a religious person either, there is a difference between religion and spirituallity, spiritual is more universal and free from doctrines, and prejudices..The spiritual Path..It asks only be who, and all you were meant to be in this lifetime, be one with your soul..The Soul and Universe, has but one law.. do what thou wilt and harme none..For what you do unto others comes back 3x3x3..

 

I am a very spiritual person..maybe if you looked at in those terms, as a universal spiritual moment instead of a religious one, it might get clearer for you..and easier to accept..one of teh gifts i came back with after my NDE, well it was dormant my Grans had it also, tis part of the Druid, or Old ways as they are called..was the Sight..being a channel helps also..the Sidhe are always my eyes..and ears..

 

No, you are wrong there la, it is the place.. talking about yourself right now, is a open door my stories are as all Bardic stories are meant to be...doors..Thank you for your kind words in a world of unkindness..they were most welcome, and if they touch but a few, even one, then the standing naked in the rain was worth it...

Our stories are told even though painful, to open doors to others, it is the Druid Bardic way..so by all means gandolf, the door is open, walk through, I am listening. I mean that!!!!!

[josh900]

wow is all i could say after reading this.it was a little hard for me to read because it brought back some memories that were best left forgotten but i know that it had to have been alot harder for you to write.and i'm in awe of your bravery for being able to write about something like this because i doubt that i will be able to write about what has happened to me.and i can't really desribe what's going through my mind right now after reading this.i mean i've spent the past hour trying to type this. so i'll just shut up now and come back when i know what it is that's going through my mind.

PS.i'm sorry if parts of thit didn't make sense but i'm pretty much speechless right now. i really am.

[Aeryn333]

wow is all i could say after reading this.it was a little hard for me to read because it brought back some memories that were best left forgotten.but i know that it had to have been alot harder for you to write.and i'm in awe of your bravery for being able to write about something like this because i doubt that i will be able to write about what has happened to me.and i can't really desribe what's going through my mind right now after reading this.i mean i've spent the past hour trying to type this so i'll just shut up now and come back when i know what it is that's going through my mind.

PS.i'm sorry if parts of that didn't make sense but i'm pretty much speechless right now i really am.

 

That you spent so long to type this, I am proud of you for posting.. whatever it is, I am here to hear you, even if its privately ...One day perchance you than can release it out loud, for its powerful the catharsis when we do..either way I am here..

No-one should feel alone carrying things like these ..I want you to know you are not alone..You made perfect sense Josh.. :wink:

[josh900]

thanks Aeryn but i'm not ready to talk about it just yet.that and i kind of like it that nobody here knows what i've been through and done.everyone in this town that i live in knows it and they all hate me for it.so it's nice to be able to talk to someone with out them judging me or calling me a monster(even though i do fit that description when i first wake up ;D )and even though sometimes i do feel like i'm alone.i know i'm not the only person who has gone through something like this.that and my cat won't let me be alone. he can't be more than five inches away from me :D .