The Girl-Child

[Lisnpuppy]

The girl-child woke. She was alone in a room full of people. She was connected to tubes and needles. She was awake but did not feel the same as when she was last. With a small hand she reached up to her neck and felt a plastic tube there. Not just the one connected to the machine that seemed to be pumping air at her…but one that seemed…sewed to her neck…to her skin.

 

She opened her mouth to call out for her Mommy or Daddy….there was no voice. She could make her lips form the words but no sound came out. The air that would normally come out her mouth now flowed through the tube from her neck.

 

She was cold…scared…she needed to pee…and she could not breathe well.

 

She banged furiously on the metal bars of her bed…hoping to get the attention of the woman in the teddy bear shirt that stood not far from her. The woman turned and faced the child...a smile of pity flashed on her face for a moment as she walked to the girl.

“Yes baby….it’s ok…you are ok.” Her words were kind and she stroked the child’s forehead…pushing back the long, long black hair.

The girl pointed to her neck…to the strange thing in her skin.

The woman smiled and told her that it was a tube to help her breathe and that it needed to be cleaned. Gloves were put on and the woman who the child now knew was her nurse…approached her with a long rubber tubing that was making a weird noise. The child began to cry…

“I want my Mommy” she mouthed at the nurse. The nurse told her as soon as they were done.

The long tube was then inserted into the other tube in the child’s neck. Strange suction noises sounded and then her breathing cleared. The child coughed and coughed and as she did the machine continued to make its noise.

The child was so tired. She wondered where her Bunny was. She fought but sleep overcame her.

 

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She woke again to stare up into the watery blue eyes of her Mother. She smiled and tried to speak forgetting for a moment that she could not. The child began to cough violently…all the air bursting from the tube now in her neck. The tube the child understood was keeping her alive.

Her Mother turned her back to the child shoulder’s shaking as she sobbed. The girl’s Father put his arm around the older woman and smiled at his daughter.

“It will be all right Satchie...” he said softly to his only daughter. He reached down and handed her the stuffed Bunny that was always at her side. She gripped it tightly to her and closed her eyes again as her Daddy sang softly to her.

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The child woke this time coughing and struggling to breathe. A different nurse was there now. The same long tube and noisy machine were brought that the child knew would help “clean” her so that she could breathe better. The tube went into her neck but this nurse was not as gentle…she pushed it down too far and it hurt. The child pushed the nurse’s hand away and frowned at her. As she did so the child heard a chuckle and looked to see her doctor standing there.

“Hello little one,” he said laughing. “I see you are getting back to your old self.” The child smiled at him. She was well-known to this doctor and his office. She was nicknamed “Pistol” by the Doctor and his office folks.

“Do you remember how you got here?” the Doctor asked in gentle tones. The child nodded and thought back to what had happened.

 

She and her Mother had been walking down to the neighbors…the child was supposed to ride on the big airplane the next day to Boston to have another operation on her throat. They told her it was to help her breathe…that she had these bumpy-things in her that made her not breathe well. The child understood this as she was a bright child…but she didn’t like it. The people at the hospital were all very nice to her...they played with her and drew her pictures of what was going to happen. Her doctor there even showed her the big “laser” that they used to burn off the bumps. It reminded her of her new favorite movie called STAR WARS.

As the child and her mother walked…the extreme cold soon got into the child’s airway. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. The child tried to suck in the air…she clawed at her neck and jumped up and down. Mother looked down and in fear smacked the child on the face thinking it was a joke. Suddenly she realized it was not and grabbed the child, running though knee high snow back to their home.

The child, in the warm could breathe again…she told her Mommy and Daddy it was all right...but the concerned faces stayed. Her Father was on the phone with her Doctor. Suddenly she was being bundled into a warming car and driving fast, fast…the lights speeding by her in the window.

They came to the hospital where her Doctor was waiting. Without so much as by-your-leave she was put on the table and wheeled away. Everyone seemed very upset…but she could breathe now…right? The child became to tremble...and suddenly she could not breathe again. The nurse and doctors who had been moving quickly began to fly….she was told to relax…how could she? Tears ran down her face and she barely felt the pin-%&$! of the needle in her arm. The mask went on her face and she slept.

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The Doctor told the child that she had a tube in her neck that let her breathe. He explained that the bumps had grown too much and had blocked her airway. He drew a now familiar picture for the girl…of her throat and showed her what had happened. He always drew her pictures so she would understand.

 

He then told her they would have to put her to sleep again…that they need to replace the tube with something that she could keep for a while…and that wasn’t sewed into her neck. The girl nodded and pointed at her stuffed Bunny. The Doctor grinned and said, “Of course Bunny is coming” and promptly grabbed a ‘doctor hat’ and put on Bunny’s head so that he was also ready for the next operation.

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The girl woke again…again banging on the metal bars to get the nurses attention. She was frustrated that she could not talk at all but determined she would not be ignored. The same routine was completed…the tube was cleaned and cleared. The child reached up and felt around the tube. This one was metal and seemed to be held in place with some ribbon that was tied around her neck. She slowly covered the tubes hole and could feel the air go in and out as she breathed. It wasn’t so bad the child thought to herself.

This day they moved the girl to a room where she could see her family. She had been in “intensive care” the nurse had told her. But now she was well enough to be in a room with a tv and her Mommy. The girl asked for a mirror to see her tube but was told no. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t see it. All the grown-ups seemed to think it was a bad idea.

 

As the days passed the girl-child felt better and was bored. She drew pictures and tried to make the grown-ups understand what she wanted. She couldn’t talk and was told she wouldn’t be able to talk for a long time. She drew pictures but couldn’t write well yet…so she couldn’t ask for things like that. She was only six after all. She asked again for a mirror and was told no, no and no.

One afternoon the child was alone for a while. Her Mother had finally gone home to take a shower and rest some. The girl was told she had been there for 20 days so far. While looking around the child noticed a mirror far up on the wall….much higher than she would normally be able to see…but…

Jumping up and down on the bed the child was able to get glimpses of the tube in her neck. Over and over she jumped and jumped. Finally seeing enough she sat and drew a picture of herself….complete with the tube placed at her throat.

Her Mother and the Doctor then came in. She child smiled and showed them her picture. Astonished they asked where she saw it…and the girl pointed the highly-placed mirror. She then stood up and jumped, demonstrating how she had obtained her viewpoint. The next morning a small hand mirror was left for the girl so that she could look as she pleased.

 

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The nurses were attempting to teach Mommy how to clean the child’s tube. The mother was having difficulty. She would cry and say that she couldn’t do it. The child didn’t understand why this was hard and she knew that they could NOT go home until someone could manage this thing. So when the Mother left to take a walk...the child called in the nurses. With drawing and pointing and mouthing...she managed to make her desires known. They brought to the child the smallest gloves they could find, all the cleaning items for the tube and showed her how to work the machine. While looking in the mirror held by a nurse…the child carefully cleaned the outside of the tube. She then took the “suction” tube and inserted into her trache. She slowly suctioned and cleaned it to her satisfaction. It felt weird but the child was happy to do it. Now she could teach her Mother. As the child worked more people from the floor….doctors and nurses…gathered around her bed and watched..claping with her success. Suddenly her Mother pushed through the crowd panic on her face….she stared blankly at her daughter for a moment…then smiled…crying…put on some gloves and began to help. The Mother said,

“If you can do it I can damn well do it also.”

 

Finally the day arrived that the child could go home though one week later than was supposed to happen. The child had started coughing up blood one day. No one understood why until she was caught….literally feet in the air...standing on her head in the bed because she was bored. The tube had been cutting her inside when she performed her gymnastics. The Doctor threatened to tie her down if she didn’t stop. She resolved to try again…after she was home.

When she left the hospital after 28 days…the child was told she would have to have the tube for a long time…and couldn’t go back to school for a while. Because she could get sick easy she would have to not see her friends also…but it was better than the hospital. The girl-child went home with balloons and prizes the nurses had given to her…new toys and games to help her pass the time. She understood that there were things yet to come…..the girl somehow understood that this was the beginning of things…but she was alright with that….and it would be fine.

As she was wheeled out the hospital doors the child pulled Bunny tight into her arms.

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(Author’s note—This is the very first time I have ever written down this story. It is as I remember it….and my memory is clear. I was age six when this happened…but had been having operations since age four. Here is a webpage that explains about my illness

 

http://www.ucdvoice.org/papilloma.html

 

for any who may be interested. I was happy to note upon reading this site that medical technology is much improved over mine at this age. It was far more difficult to write this than I expected it to be. I will tell this story (abbreviated) when asked and have no problems. As I began to type this I had to stop several times. It seemed that little girl is still in residence. As such this is a very, very rough draft. It isn’t ment to be a perfect thing and I share it only so that it may give courage to others. I did not write it to get attention or whatever. Feel free to read and enjoy and make no comments at all. I have long made an uneasy peace with myself and my circumstance. Though I do not believe one person and another can “compare pain” as it were….I know that I am fortunate in any number of ways. However…if any of you ever wonder about charities or giving of your time and money for a cause….I highly recommend any type of Children’s Hospitals. Children there of in dire need of not just resources but entertainment and even better…your time if you can give it. One of my happier memories of the hospital is when some people came dressed in full-out Star Wars regalia and played with us all for an evening. I hope that you enjoy this story- Oh and I also still have Bunny. Thanks, Lisa Danielle Easter)

[dezdimona]

I was only able to read about half the first sitting,then I could no longer see the screen. now i'm doing it again...

[Lisnpuppy]

I was only able to read about half the first sitting,then I could no longer see the screen. now i'm doing it again...

 

hope you get/got through it Dezi! :)

[szabo73]

This is shocking. Shocking, what must you had to experience as a child.

I'm thinking about the bad memories like an experience, with them I'll even stronger.

 

I think you know this method.

 

I thank you for having shared this with us.

 

In the recent past I had a heart attack. On the same day evening I've just told hear attak-jokes to my wife...

Because I have survived.

 

These experiences change out the people. In the childhood these are the most terrible.

[Lisnpuppy]

Thank you for your comments. But as I am sure you realize children are amazingly resilent. I find that I was far more accepting of things when I was a child than now....hmmm.

 

But don't stop making fun or laughing. I laugh at myself every day. Because of my operations I speak with a very raspy voice....I can do great impressions of E.T. and Darth Vader...and I do all the time. Why not laugh? I can't change it!

 

And laughter is..after all..the best medicine!

[etholas]

Lisa you are amazing. You remind me of my brother. The courage and strength of children sometimes awes me. Thank you for sharing and may you be blessed with all the good things so many people take for granted, good health being one of those things. More people should have your good nature and exceptional character. Your story reminds me all too clearly why I give thanks for each day of peace, happiness and good health.

[Lisnpuppy]

Thank you very much. Indeed children are amazing and I am fortunate that my own daughter is healthy as a horse! I understand now a bit more about my Mother's side of this tale!

[etholas]

I am certain you have a new appreciation of the strain a mother endures when her child is unwell. Coupled with uncertainty it can age a mother far too quickly. I know my brother's illness took a lot out of my mother and father. The blessing is the health of your daughter and the time you have with her and all those who are special to you. Glorious and beautiful moments should never be squandered, for each one is precious. All the blessings and tranquility to you. May each moment be filled with peace, love and joy.

[Aeryn333]

Ah I just found this, though you and I have traded childhood horror stories, privately, as far as our lifetime battle with illnesses goes..just reading this, had me choked up none the less...la

It does make a difference when you say it all aloud eh.....

Maybe this should be the druid garden of cathartic releases..

Amazing what we can endure, than you are pretty amazing resilient womyn, as you were a child..

We goddesses been doing allot of that lately..I am glad despite that terror of it all, you made it through..Love you Sister..Goddess bless for sharing!!

[XanAlderon]

Wow you were really brave to endure all that, and you put it in story form very well.