A confession about my self regarding gender

[Deleted73068613User]

my confession I don't know where this will end up

I posted this on my Reddit too i just don't know where to go.

 

I kicked myself off Facebook and removed myself from all Discord groups. because I feel like it was time to leave as well as the general unhappiness from more than 7 years

of social media. So many mistakes I have made along the years and this may be one of them. but I am Highly Gender dysphoric. its hard to admit to a bunch of people I don't even know. so this is a huge risk.

a lot of you are probably against this sort of thing but it's so hard to not know if being female is okay or if being male is better? I struggle with who I am on a daily basis, and then feel like if I say I am one thing or anything people will abandon me. Female gamers are probably less common but then you got me who is very quiet and afraid to tell about me. when i do I get silence complete abandonment without even a goodbye. it's always been this way. I feel as though I am Asexual and that's where I don't want a relationship or physical touch. (in simple terms) I don't even like hugs the less you try to touch me the better.

this is why I say I am not gay or lesbian. A lot of people abandon me without telling me why or that I am annoying or maybe they are just too busy to talk.

it's so hard to ask for help that's why I just sit back and let people do what they want to do. Even if they leave me alone, I feel like I deserve to be ignored too because no one likes an attention seeker. The last person online on Facebook 3 months ago; I told her I was born female and am female she got so angry with me and ended up really hurting my feelings. She didn't care at all but she thought I was a guy and I think that was the only reason she was nice to me in the first place. That left a scar on me pretty deep on top of a lot of Drama in the Facebook community where I was ripped up by a texture artist because she thought I was a Catfish for adding her. I just wanted a friend (if that even exists as a possibility anymore) and she made me feel terrible about the fact that I don't know what I am sometimes. Then she walked off like nothing happened leaving me in the same confused state. its hard to be me an ugly girl who never feels loved or wanted and has been alone all my life. and then I can't change my gender for financial problems as well as thinking of my mother's feelings about it. I am 31 I have severe depression and anxiety to top it all off. I don't know what to do or where to go who do I even ask anyway?

but basically this is me I need to say this somewhere. I am confusing and I don't know where to turn.

 

[HeyYou]

What country are you in?

[Deleted73068613User]

I am living in United states. just a very secluded area in the mountains. we are 45 minutes from a city and the small towns are about 7 minutes away.

[HeyYou]

Yeah, the mental health system in the US just sucks. If you can, I would highly recommend seeing if you can get counseling..... Someone to talk to honestly, would likely be a great help for you.