Looking for help: Need English speakers to improve this book

[EnaiSiaion]

Hi community,

 

Due to a few historical anomalies, the Dutch lost control of the Americas to the English in particular. Because of this, the world language and the language of Skyrim is unfortunately not my first language. This makes it hard to write florid prose that doesn't look Yuropian. :confused:

 

Therefore I'm in need for someone/people to help me rewrite this lorebook in decent Anglish. It is a book you find in a dusty chest in High Hrotgar, meant to introduce the new shouts in my upcoming Thunderbolt Shout Package in a lore friendly way. Well, it would be if it didn't look like a trained monkey wrote it instead of a Greybeard.

 

:blush:

 

Before the Way of the Voice called to my fellow students of the Thu'um, many of them were adepts of the five schools of magic, trained from initiation to draw the Words along the sides of their diagrams and seek patterns where there are none.

 

Others were priests of Kyne turning to the teachings of the mountains, or hunters and soldiers for whom the Thu'um is as their bow and shield, tools crafted for specific uses.

 

But the Thu'um is a language, and like any language, its Words have many meanings.

 

Most phrases in Dovah are devoid of a deeper significance, words full of power but leading nowhere. The long history of the Tongues has been a journey of exploration and discovery of the holy phrases that resonate with the earth and sky and the supreme being of Kyne.

 

My time under Kyne's sky is nearing its end, naal suleyk do Shor. These notes represent the fruits of many years of meditation and contemplation: sixteen Shouts of power, a life's work left unfinished.

 

I leave these Shouts to all possessing the wisdom to understand them. They are mighty indeed, use them wisely.

 

Lok, Thu'um.

 

Hodir Thunder-Fang

13th of Sun's Height, 3E 282

 

Credit will be given in the mod description where due.

 

Thanks in advance! :wub:

[JanusForbeare]

It actually looks better than the majority of the text I usually read in mods. No spelling mistakes, proper use of grammar, and vocabulary suiting a mystic order of reclusive monks.

 

My only comment is about the first sentence. When you say "draw the Words along the side of their diagrams", what diagrams are you referring to? That's the only point that seems a little unclear.

[Deleted1308005User]

Could you post some sort of reference/harsh version of the book? What you want it to contain, so people could try to write their version of it right here? :biggrin:

Anyway, looking forward to your mod! :wub:

[Veltoss]

That is far better than I have seen in 99% of the mods I've used so far. Generally speaking, those who learn English as a second language in other countries and become fluent in it are better speakers/writers than most Americans. Most of us are just dumb. :tongue:

[Deleted1308005User]

Wut, you included the text already? Did I just miss it or did you edit the post? (On different PC now, can't see the edited thingy anywhere)

 

Anyhow, looks really nice, and I completely agree with Veltoss.

[EnaiSiaion]

Thanks, though I'm still not satisfied with it myself. :tongue:

 

My only comment is about the first sentence. When you say "draw the Words along the side of their diagrams", what diagrams are you referring to? That's the only point that seems a little unclear.

 

Daedric summoning diagrams. The idea is that mages try to formalise the Thu'um as a series of individual and specific spells just like their own spells.

 

Hmm... this bit may need a rewrite.

 

Wut, you included the text already? Did I just miss it or did you edit the post? (On different PC now, can't see the edited thingy anywhere)

 

I didn't edit anything. It is in a quote though, maybe your forum view settings don't display quotes? :unsure:

[lomekian]

Thanks, though I'm still not satisfied with it myself. :tongue:

 

My only comment is about the first sentence. When you say "draw the Words along the side of their diagrams", what diagrams are you referring to? That's the only point that seems a little unclear.

 

Daedric summoning diagrams. The idea is that mages try to formalise the Thu'um as a series of individual and specific spells just like their own spells.

 

Hmm... this bit may need a rewrite.

 

As an Englishman I can say that you've done a good job. In my experience Dutch people speak almost as good English as the Swedes and better than most English speaking countries. Perhaps the problem sentence could be resolved by simply adding the word 'arcane'in from of diagrams?

 

Or perhaps

 

" trained from initiation to inscribe their diagrams of invocation with Words of the Dovah, seeking patterns where there are none"

[Ragicka]

Nicely written. I didn't see any problems on my first scan but then I channeled my grade 12 english teacher and switched to nitpicky mode. The first paragraph is a bit awkward and can be broken into maybe two sentences. You can also combine the first two paragraphs into one since they both describe "who".

 

We are Followers of the Voice, students of the Thu'um, trained from initiation to draw meaning from arcane diagrams and patterns from chaos. Drawn from far and wide, my brothers and sisters are called from the five schools of magic and priesthood of Kyne, seeking knowledge of the mountains. Or hunters and soldiers for whom the Thu'um is their sword and shield, tools crafted for specific uses.

 

The transition from "who" to "But the Thu'um is a language..." is a wee bit jarring. It almost begs a transitional paragraph to flow from one to the other. Perhaps something along the lines of "what" to introduce what the Thu'um is and its relationship to the Dovah. Something like...

 

The Thu'um are mighty words of power passed down to us from the Dovah, an ancient race of dragons from the mists of time.

 

But the Thu'um is a language, and like any language, its Words have many meanings.

 

And then continue on with the remainder of the narrative.

[steve40]

Before the Way of the Voice called to my fellow students of the Thu'um, many of them were adepts of the five schools of magic, trained from initiation to draw the Words along the sides of their diagrams and seek patterns where there are none.

 

Others were priests of Kyne turning to the teachings of the mountains, or hunters and soldiers for whom the Thu'um is as their bow and shield, tools crafted for specific uses.

 

But the Thu'um is a language, and like any language, its Words have many meanings.

 

Most phrases in Dovah are devoid of a deeper significance, words full of power but leading nowhere. The long history of the Tongues has been a journey of exploration and discovery of the holy phrases that resonate with the earth and sky and the supreme being of Kyne.

 

My time under Kyne's sky is nearing its end, naal suleyk do Shor. These notes represent the fruits of many years of meditation and contemplation: sixteen Shouts of power, a life's work left unfinished.

 

I leave these Shouts to all possessing the wisdom to understand them. They are mighty indeed, use them wisely.

 

Lok, Thu'um.

 

Hodir Thunder-Fang

13th of Sun's Height, 3E 282

 

 

 

 

Before my fellow students of the Thu'um were called by the Way of the Voice, many were adepts of the five schools of magic, trained from initiation to draw the Words along the sides of their diagrams and seek patterns where there were none.

 

Others were priests of Kyne, turning to the teachings of the mountains; or hunters and soldiers, for whom the Thu'um was, as their bow and shield, a tool crafted for specific uses. The Thu'um, however, is a language, and like any language, its Words have many meanings.

 

Most phrases in Dovah are devoid of any deeper significance: words full of power, but leading nowhere. Thus, the long history of the Tongues has been a journey of exploration and discovery of the holy phrases that resonate with the earth and sky and with the supreme being of Kyne.

 

My time under Kyne's sky is nearing its end, naal suleyk do Shor. These notes represent the fruits of many years of meditation and contemplation: sixteen Shouts of power, a life's work left unfinished.

 

I leave these Shouts to all possessing the wisdom to understand them. They are mighty indeed, use them wisely.

 

Lok, Thu'um.

 

Hodir Thunder-Fang

13th of Sun's Height, 3E 282

Edited November 29, 2012 by steve40

[Aliera Caine]

Before the Way of the Voice called to my fellow students of the Thu'um, many of them were adepts of the five schools of magic, trained from initiation to draw the Words along the sides of their diagrams and seek patterns where there are none.

 

Others were priests of Kyne turning to the teachings of the mountains, or hunters and soldiers for whom the Thu'um is as their bow and shield, tools crafted for specific uses.

 

But the Thu'um is a language, and like any language, its Words have many meanings.

 

Most phrases in Dovah are devoid of a deeper significance, words full of power but leading nowhere. The long history of the Tongues has been a journey of exploration and discovery of the holy phrases that resonate with the earth and sky and the supreme being of Kyne.

 

My time under Kyne's sky is nearing its end, naal suleyk do Shor. These notes represent the fruits of many years of meditation and contemplation: sixteen Shouts of power, a life's work left unfinished.

 

I leave these Shouts to all possessing the wisdom to understand them. They are mighty indeed, use them wisely.

 

Lok, Thu'um.

 

Hodir Thunder-Fang

13th of Sun's Height, 3E 282

Well, I'll give this a go.

 

The Way of the Voice called us to the study of the Thu'um. Before we took this path, many of us were adepts of the five schools of magic, trained even as initiates to draw Words along the sides of diagrams and seek patterns where they were none. Others were priests of Kyne gleaning the wisdom of the mountains. Some were hunters and soldiers who took the Thu'um as their bow and shield, a tool crafted to their talents.

 

Understand, the Thu'um is a language, an ancient tongue whose Words have many meanings. Most phrases in Dovah are words full of power that lead nowhere. However, the long history of the Tongues marks the search for deeper significance and bears fruit in the discovery of the holy phrases that resonate with the earth and sky and the supreme being of Kyne.

 

My time under Kyne's sky is nearing its end, naal suleyk do Shor. These notes represent the harvest of many years of mediation and contemplation: sixteen Shouts of power. A life's work, yet unfinished.

 

I leave these Shouts to all with the potential to understand them. Use them wisely, for they are mighty indeed.

 

Lok, Thu'um.

 

Hodir Thunder-Fang

 

13th of Sun's Height, 3E 282

Edited November 29, 2012 by Aliera Caine