qaz123 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Singled Out Torment and pain withinCausing my tiny mind to spinI welcome risk and dismiss painThoughts hardly remaining sane Noise and confusion aboutTrying to figure this world outMany derogate me with no regardThe past is left broken and marred Weakness and tears insideDenying that I ever triedNo one notices me fade awayMy blackened life in disarray --Andrew W. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dezdimona Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Its good.You had beautiful rhyme and rhythm, right up till the last line in the last stanza...why did you break it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qaz123 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 Ya, i know...i kinda hurried through the last part. I really wanted the "A fate gone unnoticed" for the end but couldn't come up with a good line to put before it that worked well. :( I'll rewrite it soon enough. thx for the comment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex2avs Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Waiting for the next version :) It's very nice what you've done ;) Keep up the good work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fabulance Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Very nice!beatiful rhymesIm starting to like these poems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qaz123 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm glad you all liked it. It keeps the inspiration going.I rewrote the last stanza now, yet I am still not happy with it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dezdimona Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm glad you all liked it. It keeps the inspiration going.I rewrote the last stanza now, yet I am still not happy with it...yes...much better. now the entire poem flows...great job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaosals42 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I think it's good the way it is! I enjoyed it! :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GenDonuts Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Wow thats deep. :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.