To the United States of America...

[Lord Hlaalu]

Was wondering if many of you had seen the following email circulated after the American Elections in 2000, and if any of you had any opinions regarding it ;)

 

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

 

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Just noticed some things about this. :laugh2: First off, its funny how bitter the British are when they suddenly realize that America is separate, and aren't a bunch of colonies anymore. :) Please, this is 2005, don't stay stuck in the 1700s. Actually, I guess it would be better to tell you Brits not to stay stuck in the Dark Ages, what with your monarchy and all. A little separation anxiety, there? :) And it would do you good to remember that the United Nations World Headquarters are in New York City...... Perhaps whoever wrote this (or anyone who agrees with it) are being hypocritical? They say these things about America, yet they put the World Headquarters for the United Nations in New York City.... :huh2: :wink2: And the person who originated this article obviously knows little to nothing of American history. We changed from your over-done, 'fancified' English to our American English not because we are lazy, but because the Founding Fathers thought it important that we have a somewhat different language from our former parent country, as a sign of separation. And actually, baseball is qutie prominent in Japan. Maybe it's you who don't realize there is a world outside of your borders. And might I bring up World War II?? Is this a very proper way to thank us for saving your rears? You don't know very much about American society, do you? We don't think that French fries are chips, we think they are French fries. Huge difference between the two. See, French fries are elongated (most of the time), and three-dimensional. Chips are flat and round. And please, remember that it was YOU who invented the English, or common, system of measurement. Kinda calling yourselves stupid there, aren't you? And if we declared war on France, that wouldn't please Chirac very well, would it? Please, don't try to use us as your little tools to carry out grudges that are hundreds of years old, especially when you don't want to do it yourselves..... :)

 

As a sidenote, I would beg any of you to TRY to pull off a Southern American accent..... Much harder to do than any English accent out there, I'd wager. Any blumbering guy out there can make his voice a lot higher, and put a high-and-mighty, better-than-you, proper twang in his voice, thus making himself sound English.

 

Well, thats about it for now, there is lots more to post, but this whole bashing America thing has been done so many times, it's hard to go on.... :)

[Dark0ne]

Lord Hlaalu; your post just served as a premium example of pretty much everything that quote satirised about America. Congratulations, you have inherited the American symptom of unknowing Irony :laugh2:

 

Now stop it with your patriotic hill-billy attitude.

[Lord Hlaalu]

Lord Hlaalu; your post just served as a premium example of pretty much everything that quote satirised about America. Congratulations, you have inherited the American symptom of unknowing Irony  :laugh2:

 

Now stop it with your patriotic hill-billy attitude.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I seriously doubt you've ever met a true hillbilly :) I live in Arkansas, believe me, I have, and its not a very pretty sight..... But that doesn't make a person lesser than you or anyone else.

[Dunedain]

And it would do you good to remember that the United Nations World Headquarters are in New York City...... Perhaps whoever wrote this (or anyone who agrees with it) are being hypocritical? They say these things about America, yet they put the World Headquarters for the United Nations in New York City

 

This maybe because the UN feels they need to be nice to special little america with their big tough military and their french fries...not to mention hill billys. :rolleyes: :kiss:

[Lord Hlaalu]

And it would do you good to remember that the United Nations World Headquarters are in New York City...... Perhaps whoever wrote this (or anyone who agrees with it) are being hypocritical? They say these things about America, yet they put the World Headquarters for the United Nations in New York City

 

This maybe because the UN feels they need to be nice to special little america with their big tough military and their french fries...not to mention hill billys. :rolleyes: :kiss:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As I said earlier, just because they happen to have a different way of life than you doesn't make hillbillies any worse than other people....

 

And look at what the UN has to say here:

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0778562.html

Note the position of the US in relation to the United Kingdom, and this is coming straight from the UN.

[Dark0ne]

And Cananda is four places above you. If we are meant to take that table as a national ranking system then, quite frankly, I'm laughing.

 

I don't need to meet a hillbilly when all I need to do is switch CNN on and see Bush talking...

[Zmid]

Just noticed some things about this.  :laugh2: First off, its funny how bitter the British are when they suddenly realize that America is separate, and aren't a bunch of colonies anymore. :) Please, this is 2005, don't stay stuck in the 1700s.  Actually, I guess it would be better to tell you Brits not to stay stuck in the Dark Ages, what with your monarchy and all. A little separation anxiety, there? :) And it would do you good to remember that the United Nations World Headquarters are in New York City...... Perhaps whoever wrote this (or anyone who agrees with it) are being hypocritical? They say these things about America, yet they put the World Headquarters for the United Nations in New York City.... :huh2:  :wink2: And the person who originated this article obviously knows little to nothing of American history. We changed from your over-done, 'fancified' English to our American English not because we are lazy, but because the Founding Fathers thought it important that we have a somewhat different language from our former parent country, as a sign of separation. And actually, baseball is qutie prominent in Japan. Maybe it's you who don't realize there is a world outside of your borders. And might I bring up World War II?? Is this a very proper way to thank us for saving your rears? You don't know very much about American society, do you? We don't think that French fries are chips, we think they are French fries. Huge difference between the two. See, French fries are elongated (most of the time), and three-dimensional. Chips are flat and round. And please, remember that it was YOU who invented the English, or common, system of measurement. Kinda calling yourselves stupid there, aren't you? And if we declared war on France, that wouldn't please Chirac very well, would it? Please, don't try to use us as your little tools to carry out grudges that are hundreds of years old, especially when you don't want to do it yourselves..... :)

 

As a sidenote, I would beg any of you to TRY to pull off a Southern American accent..... Much harder to do than any English accent out there, I'd wager. Any blumbering guy out there can make his voice a lot higher, and put a high-and-mighty, better-than-you, proper twang in his voice, thus making himself sound English.

 

Well, thats about it for now, there is lots more to post, but this whole bashing America thing has been done so many times, it's hard to go on.... :)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Perhaps 'satire' should be added to that list of words to look up? :grin:

[Malchik]

Lord Hlaalu, I DO know the US (I have stayed in every state once and all but Alaska at least twice). Many Americans suffer from an inferiority complex towards Europe. Is it a hangover from colonial days? They react to gentle satire, which in the original article was making fun of the Brits as much as the Americans, by thinking it is some kind of insult instead of laughing. The complex manifests itself in such comments as Europeans, especially the Brits, thinking and sounding superior or the suggestion that we dream of the heady days of Empire etc. Another sympton is the constant need to make statements, ostensibly to the outside world, but actually for morale, that America is the greatest etc.

 

Now if your reply attempted to satirise the stereotyped (albeit inaccurate) views of the Brits we would certain laugh at it. We don't have a problem with laughing at ourselves. But you seem to believe what you say, which is a little worrying.

 

BTW I'm playing Oscar in Lillian Hellmann's play Little Foxes in April for which we have a voice coach to teach us a 1900 central Mississippi accent, which is different if we are playing 'gentry', 'nouveau riche' and 'commoner' characters and whether the actor is black or white. We may not get it right but we certainly do know what it should sound like.

 

You also refer to a British accent when there are many, many regional accents.

 

Learn more of us before you accuse us of knowing nothing of you!

[Dunedain]

I don't need to meet a hillbilly when all I need to do is switch CNN on and see Bush talking...

 

lol sheer genius :laugh2: :tongue2:

[Lord Hlaalu]

Lord Hlaalu, I DO know the US (I have stayed in every state once and all but Alaska at least twice).  Many Americans suffer from an inferiority complex towards Europe.  Is it a hangover from colonial days?  They react to gentle satire, which in the original article was making fun of the Brits as much as the Americans, by thinking it is some kind of insult instead of laughing.  The complex manifests itself in such comments as Europeans, especially the Brits, thinking and sounding superior or the suggestion that we dream of the heady days of Empire etc.  Another sympton is the constant need to make statements, ostensibly to the outside world, but actually for morale, that America is the greatest etc.

 

Now if your reply attempted to satirise the stereotyped (albeit inaccurate) views of the Brits we would certain laugh at it.  We don't have a problem with laughing at ourselves.  But you seem to believe what you say, which is a little worrying.

 

BTW I'm playing Oscar in Lillian Hellmann's play Little Foxes in April for which we have a voice coach to teach us a 1900 central Mississippi accent, which is different if we are playing 'gentry', 'nouveau riche' and 'commoner' characters and whether the actor is black or white.  We may not get it right but we certainly do know what it should sound like.

 

You also refer to a British accent when there are many, many regional accents.

 

Learn more of us before you accuse us of knowing nothing of you!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, and I'm sorry because I over-reacted, if indeed it was pure joking. And I will admit that Bush is a terrible diplomat (he can wield the military all he wants, but that doesn't make him a good diplomat), and I hoped Kerry would win, but.... You can't have everything. However, I do resent the comment regarding 'hillbillies'. Bush isn't a hillbilly, he's a redneck :laugh2: Which is still pretty close. :) But not very many rednecks or hillbillies act the way he does, because he happens to be very very wealthy. (some would call him a 'rich' redneck :laugh2: ). And Canada most definitely is a better place to live than America :), I'm not disputing that.