I was bullied, and I can't deal.

[Shadowspade]

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST

 

I am doing what someone has, and taking advantage of the anonymity of the internet. I've been a long time lurker on this forum and just never posted, but I'm at a hard part in my life. I need to get this out.

 

I am 24 years old. I have been married, and I am currently getting a divorce. I guess I wasn't good enough, or she couldn't deal with me being gone. I am in the Army National Guard. I went on a deployment in 2011-2012, and when I came home, I married my high school sweetheart. I had no clue the things she had done until 6 months after we married. If she had not continue to contact him, then I might have been able to let it go. But she didn't, so I left her. Now, in the final stages of my divorce, I have a girlfriend. We've actually been seeing each other for about 6 months. But these last months have been absolutely terrible. Nothing but fighting, distance between us, screaming, horrible nightmare. When finally reached a breaking point where, after high emotions, we matured and began to realize some things. Things about us, things about ourselves. And mine shocked me to no end.

 

Backtrack 15 years ago. I was 9 years old, I was just a kid. I was happy, I didn't have worries, I didn't have cares other than homework and cleaning my room. I played outside, I climbed trees. When it was too cold, I stayed inside and played video games. I was me, I was happy ... ish. Starting in the 2nd grade, when I was getting teased by the high school kids because my lips were cherry red, like I always had lipstick on, was when it all started. I was getting teased everyday. I'm not an a**hole, I have always had a soft side. I cried, lots of times. Why someone decided to let high school kids ride with elementary school kids, I'll never know. But one day, the teasing started getting worse. I've repressed a lot of memories, but I remember a few. When I was in the 2nd grade and I was jumped by these two twin brothers, Dustin and Seth. Dustin punched me in the face and knocked me down, then Seth grabbed me and those two kicked me and beat me until I stopped moving. Why? Because someone said I didn't like their friend. That I was talking bad about him. So I got the ever-loving s*** beat outta me for a stupid rumor. And guess what? All three of us got detention.

 

In the 4th grade, Billy punched me in the face and stole things outta my lunch box. I got him in trouble with the teacher, and wouldn't you know it, I got beat up. Again. Then I was in computer class. And I was always taught to respect my elders. So when I had to pee really bad, the teacher wouldn't let me go. I went on myself. In front of my classmates. And I didn't live it down the whole year. Lunch was a living nightmare, because i had to see their faces then. Next year, 5th grade. Riding the bus. A big kid named Eric decided it would be funny to hold me down in the back of the bus while Jon punches me in the stomach to "see what people do". I was starting to fight back by then. I elbowed Eric in the stomach, got knocked on the bus floor, and stomped and kicked for a good 2-3 minutes. That was painful. God, I was ready for summer so I could hide in my room from all of these people.

 

Next year, 6th grade. Good ol' MIDDLE SCHOOL. I had no clue that my next three years would be utter he**. A friend I had made in 5th grade decided that he wanted to be a jock, and labeled me a nerd. I got my lunch trays knocked outta my hand. I got pushed into lockers. I got pushed into walls. I had pencils thrown at me. And what did they do? Laugh. My best friend, someone I was supposed to be able to count on, tormenting me. So one day I grew tired of it. I pushed him into a wall. And promptly got my head smashed into the concrete. I went home that day, my head hurt for hours. Still in 6th grade. Preston decides that he doesn't like me, or maybe it was because I was small and rarely fought back. I got punched in the stomach at recess. At this point, fighting back hurts even worse, so while people are laughing at me, I just walk away. Lunch was afterwards, but I wasn' hungry anymore. I don't remember 7th or 8th grade much. I remember getting my head shoved into a toilet. I remember getting trash thrown at me, people putting tacks in my seat for laughs, getting pushed into lockers. I remember getting teased by this group of girls everyday because I was the nerdy kid. I wasn't even wearing glasses then. I remember Travis and Keith throwing rocks at me in recess. A good sized one hit me in the head. I still have a small scar from it.

 

Middle school was when home no longer became my hiding place. Enter my older brother, who always left me alone until he hit high school. And who is he friends with? The jocks. The ones who pick on kids because it's funny. He would invite them to my house. I remember his friend Chris shooting me with a bb gun. And what did my brother do? He laughed. When it snowed, his friends would chase me around the yard with rock filled snowballs. God, I hated my life then. My only friends that I ever saw were living in my N64 and my PS2. I stayed up for two solid weeks during Christmas break to play my games. It was another world, it was somewhere I could pretend to be the hero, be the big guy everyone respected and loved.

 

Enter high school. I'm the new kid in 9th grade. All the kids from middle school are here with me. And even worse, kids from other middle schools. More people. I can't stand crowds at this point. I had no fashion sense, I was wearing weird clothes because they didn't matter to me. I had a mustache, because I didn't know how to shave. I got told I looked creepy with it. So that was just more ammo for kids to use. I remember getting things stolen out of my bag, people telling me to go home and burn my clothes because I looked ridiculous. And then I see him. One of the most influential people in my life. Devon. He was the goth kid in school, wearing Tripp pants and all black. Long hair. And, most of all, no one EVER picked on him. EVER. I guess in the South, people fear what they don't understand. I had a new goal, and I made him my friend.

 

10th grade. I've got a pair of Tripp pants, and my hair is getting longer. I started wearing black clothing. People look at me a little differently. Less people talk to me. But still, there are those that make my life miserable. Malcolm was one of them. During Thanksgiving break, someone showed me how to tie a noose. I was so tired, of people, of fake friends, of everyone hating me so much that I just couldn't take it. I went into the shop, strung up a noose, and got a chair. I wouldn't have to deal with people anymore. It would finally stop. Fate, God, karma, however you want to take it, someone was looking after me. I'm on the chair and I'm about to kick it out. I hear a familiar voice. Justin, a new friend I recently made, came over all of a sudden. He walks into the shop and sees me there. I only remember him talking, me crying, I come down and I got to his house for a few days. That's when I started to get really angry.

 

Halfway through the year, I've taken the money I saved up and spent it all at Hot Topic. All black clothes, black nail polish, black eyeliner, the works. People don't talk to me. And about half of my tormentors have left me be. (This happened to be close to the Columbine incident, so people were starting to get scared) But Malcolm? Not him. Every day, it was "F*gg** this", and I have a lot of trauma built up. It slowly turned to anger, into rage. I just snapped. I lunged at him over the table with a pair of scissors. I wanted to hurt him, like they all have hurt me. I wanted to see him stop speaking and moving, like I did when I got beat. I caught him in the leg, and cut him good. He never reported it to the teacher, because he was out of class at the time. I was lucky. The rumors start to spread, and people really leave me alone. I began to bring knives and brass knuckles to school. All I've ever wanted was for people to leave me alone. And finally, after years of being beaten, pushed, and tormented, people feared me. I was the crazy kid with knives who already cut someone. All of my bullies stop. That was the last time anyone pushed me around.

 

Back to the present day, me and my current girlfriend are fighting. I've come to the realization that I never coped with my childhood issues, and it's causing problems between us. I've become the bully, pushing people around emotionally because I'm not happy. I want them to be my source of happiness, to fawn over me. I've made her care more about me than she does herself. I hate myself on an unbelievable level right now. I can't help but feel that my past is causing me problems in the present. I never talk to people about what I went through. And I guess, I dunno, I'm reaching out to someone. Anyone. I need help.

 

I didn't know it was going to be so long, i just started writing and it all came out. I'm sorry.

[Lisnpuppy]

Friend-There are many folks that will offer you comfort here. I am also glad you have spoken out as it is a good step. Though you can get much support here this is not the place to get the help you need.

 

However if this has been your life then I would strongly suggest you seek counseling. I would recommend some group counseling as having not only a professional there to help but others that have experienced what you have will help you in ways you can not yet understand. A professional can tell you exactly what would be best for you though. Get a referral from a family doctor or call a local counseling center/Health Resources to get some guidance. If you can not afford this then please contact your local Health and Human Resources and they can help you find a place that will be able to assist you in a sliding scale according to your income.

 

Good luck to you.

[kelticpete]

First shadowspade I want to say that I admire and am happy for your courage to post this. Vulnerability with people who will be supportive and empathetic is the first step towards healing.

 

[it is a lie that real men don't share their emotional pain. my two college room-mates played ball for baylor and the reason they and I have good relationships with our family and wives now is that we made the smart choice to be men not boys and open up about our fears/worries etc about growing from big scared kids into men. we each had different levels of childhood s*** and we talked a lot about it. two of us got therapy. ]

 

Finding male friends who will listen and not say stupid s*** can be hard. I suggest a therapist. a good one can be hard to find. some will just listen and accept you if that is what you need that is pretty easy to find.

there is something called SLIDING SCALE...it means that a therapist will lower the cost according to your income. maybe you have good insurance I don't know.

 

Sanity is worth the money you pay.

 

Also, light doses of anti-depressants can help deal with the intensity of the pain as you deal with it. for some people this numbs them out.

 

Note: if you do start taking meds...be sure to tell doctors any side effects you don't like rather than just quitting. because they will work with you. so many dudes quit because they gained 15 lbs or their little fireman would not fire or whatever. I always write down my questions for psych doc cause I forget when I am with him.

 

When it comes to therapy, social workers have a more broad approach and some people like them cause they are more action oriented than psych types.

 

Thing I have learned:

 

You are stuck with you. So become your own best friend. Decide you will care for yourself, treat yourself with respect, and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. you deserve it.

 

Shadow, you never deserved to be so mistreated as a child. I am sorry for your pain.

 

There an online professor called Brene Brown she may be of some help if you deal with shame issues (a lot of men do) She says what we men fear is "appearing weak" and we go to great lengths in life to cover our emotions, be tough, be successful etc. to avoid being shamed by looking weak.

 

Empathy short video

 

Finally a quote from desidarta:

 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline (meaning routine/pattern), be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

 

 

Links:

 

Trauma Resources

 

Therapists

 

_________________________________

 

Also short article:

 

Article beginning: "We all experienced shame in childhood—whether it was from being teased or bullied on the playground, from always being the last one chosen to be on a team..."

 

How Compassion Can Heal Shame from Childhood

 

Peace.

 

Ketlicpete

Edited March 18, 2014 by kelticpete

[ImDaWiseGuy]

Sorry to hear about all that i guess i was lucky for the most part i went to a school and yet i was the odd one out seeing how i was white in a mostly black school and well some mexicans and yet i had lots of freinds.

Though i suppose in those days people where taught to respect and care for others as it was not the same as i got older,as i got older i noticed more of the groups of kids you know the usual rich kids,nerds,ect.

I on the other hand was more of loner as i got into i suppose it kept things simple as i did chose a side or group.I did however learn that if you look like your about to go postal people do leave you alone so that worked for me i still had freinds just not many freinds as i learned that having a lot of freinds does not mean you belong real freinds are rare and few and that is what i had for the most part

I also was taught to ignore what people say,as i did not allow what people thought of me bother me as i learned that no matter what i would have done/said i was not going to change me to fit someone else's idea of who i should be. I also learned that sometimes standing up for yourself also meant once in awhile getting into a fight with someone i did not always win but i faught hard and made sure the other person felt pain and usually they left me alone. You can not do that anymore as you risk getting kicked out of school,arrested or worse charged with assualt they have taken all the power away from the victim and gave it to the bully as now you can not even stand up for yourself without being punished as if not being bullied was not enough to deal with yet they wonder why people are killing themselves what other choice do they feel they have?.

When i went to school a good old ass kicking showed anyone who pushed it to far that they where going to catch my rath and the rath of my freinds as they would step in as well. Now you can not do anything but ignore it but that does not work for everyone although i will not understand why it is that way now i do see the problems.

Just remember they are only words and ignore them in most cases they will move on to someone else i hate to say it that way but not much else you can do unless you want to stand up to them. Life is cruel but life is also great,it is what you make of it,if you make life all about others and what they think of you,you are not living life and it will always be hell.

STAND UP TO BULLIES TELL THEM YOU WILL NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE AND IF YOU KEEP PUSHING IT I WILL BEAT WHAT LITTLE BRAINS ARE LEFT IN THAT HEAD OF YOURS

[HeyYou]

Break up with your girlfriend. It isn't up to other people to make you happy. You MUST be happy in and of yourself first. Get your own place (if you don't already) conentrate on getting YOUR life together, and being happy being yourself. If you aren't happy with yourself, you are never going to be happy with anyone else.

[Shadowspade]

Thanks guys. Just getting it out there has helped. I'm currently seeing a therapist. I'm single now, so I have a lot to work on. Just getting everything off my chest has been such a huge relief. Ketlicpete, that last article you posted was just incredible. Really, you guys. I appreciate this.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Shadowspade