Funny Replies You Make To NPCs

[majikmonkee]

(after discussion with Falanu)

 

ME: I wonder if it costs extra to be buried with a chastity belt?

 

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(responding to Glarthir after following NPC's for him)

 

ME: It turns out they ARE watching you...EVERYONE is watching you...including a powerful being with total control over your fate who is watching you on a monitor while wearing dirty sweats and eating Doritos!

 

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Lucine Lachance: You sleep rather soundly for a murderer...

 

ME: It's the amazing new Sleep Number Bed! 73% of murderers actually report less tossing and turning at night, and 87% report a reduction in back pain!

 

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(first time bumping into Methredhel)

 

Methredhel: I have a feeling that you and I are about to become very close.

 

ME: Well, I barely know you, but you're not bad looking, so...(starts getting undressed)

[ffa1mf]

NPC: You seem quite intriguing. Please tell me your thoughts.

 

Me: I think your ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

[stephanie]

(first time bumping into Methredhel)

 

Methredhel: "I have a feeling that you and I are about to become very close."

 

ME: gets undressed, guard fines me 5 gold for being nude in public, Methredhel giggles ...

 

 

any NPC: "I like what I see!"

 

ME: gets undressed, guard takes me to jail for being nude in public, NPC giggles ...

[GodKingVivec]

this is the only one i can think of now. may add more later.

Male NPC: "Look at the muscles on you!"

Me1: "You do realize im a man dont you?"

Me2: "Sorry bud my door only swings one way, and its not it that one..."

[The_Vyper]

Bosmer NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"

Me: "You'd better not offer me a back rub." *draws deadliest weapon in inventory**

 

Highwayman: "This is a holdup. Your money or your life."

Me: "How about I take your money and your life?"

Highwayman: "Actually, this one prefers it that way."

Me: :blink: "Ooookaaay." *kills highwayman, takes money*

 

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"

Me: "Well okay, but you'll have to stop swinging it around so I can."

Bandit: *stops swinging sword, waits for me to jump on it*

Me: *shoots conveniently stationary bandit in the eye with massively poisoned arrow, bandit dies screaming in agony*

[Relativelybest]

NPC: You have the hands of an Illusionist.

Me: I can use my illusion, yes.

NPC: There's a charge in the air. Been casting some Destruction spells?

Me: Indeed, I also have an appetite for destruction.

NPC: Look at the muscles on you!

Me: *in Arnold Schwartzenegger voice* Yes, I like to pump iron!

NPC: Looks like you're pretty handy with a blade.

Me: *in Spanish accent* I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

NPC: You've got some nimble fingers. What have you been getting into?

Me: Your mom!

 

Highwayman: This is a holdup!

Me: ...You know, I've never thought about it before, but why are you guys always khajit?

Highwayman: Your money or your life!

Me: Like, are you all from the same litter or something?

[majikmonkee]

NPC: Is you the hair of my crotch!

 

ME: What? Filthy pervert! (Kill npc, then realize I'm playing drunk again)

 

ME: Oh, wait...you said "hero of Kvatch". My bad!

[The_Vyper]

NPC: Is you the hair of my crotch!

 

ME: What? Filthy pervert! (Kill npc, then realize I'm playing drunk again)

 

ME: Oh, wait...you said "hero of Kvatch". My bad!

;D Good one! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that.

[wolfhowl88]

Long post is loooong. I'm chatty when I play, what can I say.

Best if read in the Khajiit accent, as I imitate that while I'm playing. For RP reasons and lulz.

 

Valen Dreth: "There's a rat in my cell, Khajiit. A fat, tasty rat. Does the kitty want it? Is the kitty hungry?"

Me:"Hey. Dunmer. There's something fat and tasty in my cell too. It's in my pants. Now shut up before I make you my tabby. >:("

Valen :"You're going to die in here, Khajiit!"

Me:"You shut your mouth when I'm not using it!"

 

Uriel Septim:"Let me see your face. You are the one from my dreams."

Me:"Oh. my. god. Patrick Stewart is hitting on me!! :D "

 

*encountering the giant rats for the first time*

*Looks at feline self* *looks at rats* "Awwww yeah. Time for din-dins."

 

Uriel Septim:"Close shut the jaws...of Oblivion!"

Me:"Ooooh...Nice title drop. Well done."

 

Baurus:"From what I've seen, I'd say you're an experienced Assassin."

Me:"HOW DID YOU KNOW- I mean I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a simple, innocent Adventurer...la la la~..."

 

Male Nord:"Head on!"

Me:"Apply directly to the forehead!"

 

K'Sharr:"*sigh* I hate my life..."

Me:"I hate your life too."

 

Me:"Hey, Old Guy. Patrick Stewart told me to come here. He also gave me his bling before he got shplakk'd in the head by a Power Ranger."

Jauffre:"This cannot be. No one but the Emperor is permitted to handle the Amulet. Let me see it."

Me:"No. You didn't say please."

 

Martin:"To Weynon Priory, then!"

Me:"Yeah! Disney Land- wait, what?"

 

Martin:"To Weynon Priory, then!"

Me:"You're not the boss of me."

 

Martin:"To Weynon Priory, then!"

Me:"Martin. Shut up. We'll go when I'm good and ready and not a minute sooner! >:("

 

Guard:"Speak."

Me:"WOOF!"

 

Guard:"Speak."

Me:"No. ....Wait, I just spoke there...damnit you tricked me!"

 

Guard:"You have my ear citizen."

Me:"I don't want it! Take it back!"

 

Lucien Lachance:"You sleep rather soundly for a murderer."

Me:"...*tilts head and grins* And you have a very nice looking robe.*unsheathes sword* >:3"

 

Vicente:"You are like a dark gift from the Night Mother herself."

Me:"Aw shucks, you're embarrassing me. ....Continue."

 

Beggar:"Blessings of Julianos upon ye."

Me:"Umm...Julianos and I don't get along very well. Gods of law and order frown on theft and murder, you see..."

 

Beggar:"Blessings of Stendarr on ye."

Me:"No, he doesn't like me either. God of Mercy. Murderer. We don't get along."

 

Beggar:"Blessings of Mara upon ye."

Me:"...Listen. I don't think you're getting this... I'm a thief and a murderer. Look how high my Infamy score is. I can't go to Chapels anymore for fear that the blessing will be replaced by a 1000 damage Shock spell. The gods do not like me. Get that through your head."

 

Beggar:"Blessings of Dibella upon ye."

Me:"Pfft. What would I do with a fortification to Personality? You give the worst blessings ever!"

 

Beggar:"Blessings of Mephala upon ye."

Me:"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, THE GODS DO NOT- Wait, Mephala? The Daedric Princess of Lies and Deceit? ...Yeah, Mephala's blessings work for me, thanks."

 

Random NPC:"Hail!"

Me:"Where!? Oh Gawd! I'm weak to Frost Damage!" *covers head with arms and runs indoors*

 

Guard:"Speak."

Me:*says nothing, thinking "I'm not falling for that again..."

 

*meeting Betto Plotius for the first time* "Wow. You can see I'm a Khajiit, right? Are you blind, or just stupid? I'm totally murdering you in your sleep. Have a nice day~"

 

Julitta Plotius: "I know the Khajiit are all upset that the Council took away their land and gave it to us, but they just have to get over it! It’s our land now."

Me:*pickpockets her money, she runs for a guard* "Hey, I know you're all upset that I just robbed you, but you'll just have to get over it! It's my gold now! .....Also I killed your husband. Sorry about that."

 

Bandit:"This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"

Me:"I know you are but what am I!"

 

*facing off against a minotaur*

Me:"How appropriate, you fight like a cow!"

 

Bandit:"Jump on my sword while you still can!"

Me:"I would, but my Acrobatics skill isn't high enough."

 

*ambushed*

"UGH! You have angered Kitty! This is my grrr face!"

 

NPC:"You're a fit one, been running a lot?"

Me:*trailing guards behind* "....You could say that, yes."

 

Guard:"Stop! You've violated the law!"

Me:"No I didn't! He's lying! There was consent! Consent!"

 

Khajiit:"Sugar and sands, friend."

Me:"Yarn and catnip, friend."

 

Argonian:"A hated one."

Me:"An uneducated one."

 

Legion soldier: "For the Emperor!"

Me:"For the Lulz!"

 

NPC:"You're not supposed to be in here!"

Me:"And that arrow's not supposed to be sticking out of your head. Funny how things happen."

 

Male Dunmer:"You remind me of my homeland. During the Blight."

Me:"I remind you of thousands of dead and diseased Dunmer? That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me...I think I may cry."

 

Dulfish gro-Orum:"Look. A fly. Buzz, buzz. Hey. Look everybody! I'm talking to a fly! Buzz, buzz, buzz!"

Me:"Help mee! Heelp meee!"

 

Bazur gro-Gharz:"Boss uglies in Cheydinhal are the Orums. Don't mean nothing to you. You is the Outside. Just stay Outside, and everything's Mister Tinker. Got me?"

Me:"......umm...no?" :unsure:

[The_Vyper]

Owyn: "I heard a rumor that you're an idiot. Any truth to that?"

Me: "I just escaped from the Imperial Dungeon and the first thing I did was come here. All I have to fight with is this rusty Iron sword, a rusty bow and a handful of arrows. What do you think?"

 

Marauder: "By Ysmir's beard, we have a live one!"

Me: "By the hindquarters of Akatosh, this Nord is dead!" *kills Nord marauder*

 

Bandit: "Who's there?" *pause* "Must have been the wind."

Me: "Yep, that's what they call me." *kills bandit*

 

Marauder: "Who's there?"

Me: "Nobody here but us mudcrabs."

Marauder: "Damn rats. Always making me jumpy."

Me: "NEVER compare us mudcrabs to rats!" *kills insulting marauder* "Wait, why am I angry about that? I'm not a mudcrab."

 

Baeralorn: "I'm Baeralorn. Anvil's castle mage. Perhaps you've heard of my work on magical resistances."

Me: "Magical resistances? I could use a bit of that when going after Necromancers. Tell me more."

Baeralorn: "Our gracious Countess funds my research. I ward tame rats with resistance spells, then shower them with elemental attacks."

Me: :blink: "I wouldn't tell Arvena Thelas about that if I were you."

 

Arvena Thelas: ”I'm Arvena Thelas. The call me the rat lady on account of all my pet rats.”

Me: "I can see why they would. Out of curiosity, do you know anything about Baeralorn's work with tame rats?"

Arvena Thelas: ”You can't imagine the fuss some people make. My rats are no problem for anyone.”

Me: "They certainly wouldn't be if Baeralorn got his hands on them." :whistling:

 

Khajiit NPC: "You are stupid, so I'll make myself clear... you are stupid. Go away. I don't want your blood and puke all over me."

Me: "Just because I have ADHD doesn't mean I'm- Oh, look! A mudcrab!"

 

Blade Trainer in Leyawiin: "If you need a blade, go see Tun-Zeeus at the Dividing Line. Does repairs, too. He does go on and on, sometimes. But he's the Genuine Orc in Leyawiin."

Me: "What do you mean 'the Genuine Orc'? He's an Argonian."

 

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"

Me: "Does your mother know that you call her The Law?"

 

Guard: "You have my ear, citizen."

Me: "Yep, and I'm gonna trade it for some caps...wait...Oops, wrong realm."

 

Ocheeva: "Once Phillida is dead, take the very finger from his corpse, the one that bears an Imperial Legion signet ring! Deposit this finger in the desk of Phillida's successor, in his office in the Prison Barracks, in the Imperial City! Do this, and the bonus is yours."

Me: "Wait, I get a bonus for giving the law 'the finger'? Sweet!"

 

NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"

Me: "Yes, it's me. Hero of Kvatch, Master of Daedric Pwnage, Scourge of Oblivion, Bane of Dagon & all around anti-Deadric Badass. Now stop telling me who I am and tell me who you are, oh puny one."