A Story I'm Writing

[kybagames]

This is a story I'm writing, and wanted to share a page with you guys. The protagonist's name is Colt Jameson. Enjoy, and please keep the criticism constructive, not "dis terible 0/10". If you like/dislike it, please state why, and as I said, enjoy. :smile:

 

The metallic ‘Clang!’ of metal striking metal surrounded me as I danced my way across the battlefield to the tune of war. I brought my blade down upon my foe’s sword in a mighty clash, my muscles working their best to keep his weapon from overpowering mine. I grasped the handle with both hands and pushed ever so harder against the force of his blade, to the successful ‘Clink!’ of my blade striking his shoulder plate. I could see a vein pulsing on his temple, as he tried as hard as he could to resist my power, but to no avail. He cried out in pain as my sword sunk into his neck, and cut through, transforming his outcry into the gurgling of blood in his throat. I pushed once more and completely severed the head from his body, victorious. My victory was short-lived, however, as another man spouting a barbaric war cry with a two-handed axe heaved over his head, ready to bring it down upon any who dared stood in his way, came charging towards me. I swung my blade up into the air to counter his attack, ready for the incoming hit. The edges of our weapons met with a resounding ‘Clang!’, and my knees buckled under the force of his swing, making me cower as my hands held on to the handle of my weapon, gripped as tight as could be. I could feel my muscles slowly giving way to the tremendous force, when the enemy’s pushing suddenly stopped, propelling my blade, and consequently the axe, forward, slamming the metal binding on the back of his axe blade into his forehead, and quite audibly cracking it. ‘Why did he just suddenly give up?’ I thought to myself. Upon closer inspection, I found my answer slightly poking out of his chest; an arrowhead, most likely a stray from one of their archers. I thanked the gods for my luck, and got back to work fighting the enemy by swinging and stabbing my way through their lines.

After what felt like hours, the clanging and clinking stopped, and I looked up after pulling my sword from the abdomen of an enemy, to see my allies all around me crying “Victory!”, “For King Egbart!”, and “Run you little cowards, run!”. It confused me at first, until I looked towards the enemy’s lines, only to see the golden sword on the emblem of the traitorous forces that was emblazoned on the backs of their armor. I thrust my sword into the air and cried out in a victorious manner, relieved that the fighting was done, and fell back-first into a puddle of bloody mud, and closed my eyes to get some rest. ‘We are victorious, at long last,’ I thought.

My victory nap was soon interrupted. “Sir Colt Jameson?” a young boy asked, out of breath. “Who’s asking?” I mumbled without opening my eyes. “I’m Thomas, sir, Thomas Langley. I’m the King’s Squire. King Egbart has requested that you see him at once,” the boy replied. “Fine, tell him I’ll be there.” I told the boy, who hastily ran off to relay the message. I sat up on my elbows and surveyed the area around me, and saw hundreds of corpses, most missing some sort of limb or appendage, some missing heads, some missing half their heads, even some missing their innards, and there were also some men dragging the corpses of enemies into mass pyres, and their allies into freshly dug graves, a common sight after a battle. I got up with unsurprising difficulty, as I was weary from fighting. I stumbled through the corpses and blood-sodden mud, making my way to the tents pitched a quarter of a league from the battlefield.

Edited July 18, 2014 by kybagames

[billyro]

I like it - lots of good detail without it feeling overdone.

 

My only criticism is that you used the word "blade" a little too often in the first paragraph (some of them could be replaced with "sword"), but everything else was great. :thumbsup:

[kybagames]

I like it - lots of good detail without it feeling overdone.

 

My only criticism is that you used the word "blade" a little too often in the first paragraph (some of them could be replaced with "sword"), but everything else was great. :thumbsup:

Thanks! Also, do you know why the forum automatically changed " 'C.hink!' " (without the period) into " 'Asian!' "? :/

Edited July 18, 2014 by kybagames

[billyro]

I have no idea. Sometimes the Nexus does weird stuff like that. :ermm:

[mlee3141]

Not bad, though I'm more accustomed to writing non-fiction.

[Antigravitas]

Perhaps it is non-fiction somewhere in time. Also, you appear to be a master of detail. Do you have predesigned characters you can draw on? Predesigned settings, storylines, characters, factions.. maybe you would have fun with those things.