Jokes - Just Add Jokes

[Marthos]

Husband and wife are getting ready for bed and as usual she's gawking at herself in the mirror, "darling" she says, "I want bigger boobs, can I have a boob job ?"

 

"I have a better idea" he says, "wipe a piece of tissue between your breasts every day".

 

"Will that work ? will that make them bigger ?" she asks.

 

"Should do" he says, "it worked on your bloomin ass".

[SilverDNA]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub

together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they

were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each

of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued

drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over

the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU

male without a father!!!!"

[SilverDNA]

and another one

 

A bus full of old Irish men and women was driving on a highway in Germany.

Suddenly there was a panel with a big arrow and the word "AUSFAHRT".

Fifty kilometers away there was another panel with the same arrow and the

word "AUSFAHRT".

Fifty kilometers away there was another panel, the same one; and one of

the old travellers touched the elbow of his neighboor and said

"Well, it's must be a big town !"

[SilverDNA]

Kirk: "Mr. Spock - Scan the romulan spaceship!" Spock: "OK, Sir - is 300 DPI good enough?"

[SilverDNA]

Heard a funny sentence about the soccer world championship and that classic set up England - Germany.

 

Every time in world soccer championship between Germany and England, when its going about the sausage, the Germans win. (Because it's all about the sausages.)

 

I hope we see an interesting and fair match. For my not so funny neighbors I will play tomorrow "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the world" out loud.

[DarkNinja13]

This is what happens when you use a joke in everyday life (true story):

 

I was once asked by an iritating co-worker of mine, "What is your beef with christianity?"

I replied "They do stupid things"

"Like what?", he demanded.

"Well, like the christian baptism ritual", I expained.

"What is wrong with baptism?" he demanded, outraged and almost hyterical.

I looked at him and coldly replied, "For starters, your priests don't hold them under anywhere near long enough"

 

Needless to say, he doesn't talk to me any more.

[DarkNinja13]

And now to prove that I am an "Equal Opportunity Offender"....

 

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A: 45 pounds :laugh:

 

Q: What is the difference betwen a husband and a boyfriend?

A: 45 MINUTES :blink:

[Marthos]

This is what happens when you use a joke in everyday life (true story):

 

I was once asked by an iritating co-worker of mine, "What is your beef with christianity?"

I replied "They do stupid things"

"Like what?", he demanded.

"Well, like the christian baptism ritual", I expained.

"What is wrong with baptism?" he demanded, outraged and almost hyterical.

I looked at him and coldly replied, "For starters, your priests don't hold them under anywhere near long enough"

 

Needless to say, he doesn't talk to me any more.

 

 

Thats a beaut, have to remember that ome :biggrin:

[DarkNinja13]

Got another:

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, a couple in their 80's, go to visit their doctor for their yearly check-ups and were recieving the results of the check-ups from their doctor who informs them that Mr. Smith has developed a serious heart condition. The doctor recommends a change of diet, a light exercise regimine, an emphasized the need for Mr. Smith to avoid any stressful situations. With that, Mrs. Smith gently leans forward and whispers something into Mr. Smith's ear. Mr. Smith then asks the doctor, "What about sexual activity?" The doctor (who is shocked by this) replies, "Absolutely not - the strain could be fatal". So the Smiths leave the doctor's office feeling quite dejected.

 

After their baked meal the Smiths decide that, in order to resist the temptation, Mrs. Smith will sleep upstairs while Mr. Smith sleeps downstairs. As Mr. Smith lays there, tossing and turning, the time rolls by. 9:00, then 9:30, then 10:00, and then 10:30. Finally, Mr. Smith looks at the clock (which now reads 10:45), decides that 85 years is a good long life, gets up, and starts up the stairs.

 

Halfway up Mr. Smith meets Mrs. Smith, who was on her way downstairs.

 

Mr. Smith looks at her, smiles, and says "Hello sweetheart, I was just on my way upstairs to die"

Mrs. Smith returns the smile and replies, "I know my love - I was just on my way down to kill you"

[Deleted1848331User]

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?" he asks the bartender. "For you, no charge."

 

Two atoms are in a bar, one turns to the other and says, "I believe i lost an electron." The other atom says, "Are you sure?" to which the first atom replies "I'm positive."

 

War doe not determine who is right, only who is left.

 

Two cannibals are eatting a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?

 

I was going to the clairvoyance meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.

 

 

 

The Robot Butlers of Fallout 3