Missing Missy - A Tail of Sadness and Loss

[Ranokoa]

WARNING: The contents of this post can potentially be dangerous to the health of anyone with heart problems. Please read in moderation and have an extra clean pair of pants handy.

 

Warning 2: There is a tiny bit of immaturity here. Please read knowing that this is hilarious nonetheless, even if you are a senior raised with high morals, but expect a small amount of immaturity. As for Warning 3: Understand that this is completely CLEAN before reading that warning.

 

Warning 3: I can NOT divulge the website in which this derives as it is intensely vulgar, profane, and stacked with gore, violence, real videos of death and pictures, and has occasional pornographic themes (Although mostly from a post about a corpse). Do not get me wrong, I'm just sick, not twisted... Well okay I'm twisted too. But it's a forum about actual events, not just for people who want a quick fix of horror. If a moderator will allow the website being PMed (of course, after their review.) I may do it that way. (I suggest Slof if anyone, because she might have the strongest stomach for it.) But for the sake of... Lost the word... Something... I'll just leave it at I can't divulge. I also strongly recommend NO ONE go there, even if I were allowed to say where. Especially the younger ones or anyone under the age of "experienced hell and survived", but I doubt there are any World War II survivors on these forums.

 

HOWEVER: The following post was on their "humor" section, which has nothing sick. And this... Is the funniest thing.. I've literally ever read... Ever... And clean. Very clean. Freaking Funny!

 

 

MISSING MISSY

 

 

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic

designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Poster

 

Hi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been

missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could

make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it

around my suburb this afternoon.

 

http://i37.tinypic.com/al106e.jpg

 

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is

black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my

phone number.

Thanks Shan.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Poster

 

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and

not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you

managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold,

frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs

squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will,

of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy

return of Missy.

Regards, David.

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Poster

 

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine.

I have to leave at 1pm today.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went

clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots.

They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could

just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party

was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block,

I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named

Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and

he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair

already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing

Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto

the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the

cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his

beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.

 

http://i38.tinypic.com/o6ea0g.jpg

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how

come the photo of Missy is so small?

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional

over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can

you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed

you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not

welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how

to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am

willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with

thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections

or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days

down a well once but that was just for fun. I have amended and attached

the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.

 

http://i38.tinypic.com/a3016x.jpg

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole

photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I

just want it to say Lost.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

 

http://i37.tinypic.com/2w1v3v9.jpg

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost

and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name.

Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it

was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

 

____________________________

 

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Awww

 

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but

after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty

litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about

it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my

mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to

collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him.

Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to

collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on

about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.

 

 

http://i35.tinypic.com/308b536.jpg

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Awww

 

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I

gave you a photo of my cat.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Awww

 

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of

several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this.

If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a

black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?"

you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed

after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies

with wheels.. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be

removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could

charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same

with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

 

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

Please just use the photo I gave you.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

http://i38.tinypic.com/r09xzt.jpg

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you

even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please

remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

 

____________________________

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

http://i38.tinypic.com/2mccej5.jpg

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten

minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

 

____________________________

 

 

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

http://i36.tinypic.com/33k9o4h.jpg

 

____________________________

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

Fine. That will have to do.

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Kudos if you either peed yourself, cried, peed someone else's pants, died from heart attack, had a fit of angina, laughed again at the word angina, continually laugh for the next half hour until you forget what you're laughing about then remember and laugh harder, read it thrice, read it thrice more, make some rice but not cook it in TH, love me, find Missy or preferably a less dead and more suitable cat. Or if you just like this.

 

PLEASE post your detailed reactions to this 5 minutes after reading it so you have time to show other people and then post their reactions (no videos, completely textual... giggity...)

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

[slygothmog]

OK, I read it...............I didn't laugh once.

David is an A**hole, and Shannon should have known better than to keep thinking she was getting help.

I have three cats and If this is true to life then both should be banned from keeping pets, ( gross arrogance on one hand, and gross stupidity on the other ).

[Ranokoa]

@SlyGothMod

 

My cat, Nick-Named Momma Cat, officially K.C. (To my remembrance) I had for the majority of my life. She died somewhere around 14 years of age, two years ago. Potentially, she was older. She was the sweetest little thing. Siamese pure, sharp as a sword, quick as a whip, loving as... a cat named Momma Cat. (Lol..) I loved her sooo much. She actually learned how to open doors! Not the front door though, at her age the front handle was too resistant for her paws by the time she moved into this house with us. (it is a long story but we adopted her from my biological sperm donor, whom I had visited every week as per court order, and she was always there. When he and the second split, she had no where to go. So we took her. (My sister, mother, and stepdad and myself.) We had her for another 6+ yearsish.

 

When she got to the point that she got so old her excrement was all one consistency, liquid, and her control was all but exhausted, we couldn't let her stay inside all day anymore. She was an outside cat to begin with, though, but she loved to occasionally sleep indoors and spend a night or two inside, so it wasn't like we just threw her out into the cold. (And the litter box was in the garage, and we had no choice in differently locating it, and we didn't like the thought of her staying in the garage all day. It was barely ever used, and we only kept the cats in there when they couldn't stay inside but definitely couldn't be outside. Weather, Halloween, etc.) Well, when she snuck in at times we knew that something uncontrollable now was soon to come, or after it was already uncontrolled behind out couch (her favorite spot... Gross, sad, and funny to me at the same time) she'd dart under my bed or somewhere hardly accessible by our bulky humanoid bodies. Well, the darned cat, bless her heart of gold, was soooo affectionate that I could ALWAYS lure her out by extending my palm a half foot off the ground to insinuate petting time. It worked everytime. And she KNEW that she'd get kicked out too, but she just couldn't chance passing up 10 minutes of free petting while I tolerated her shedding more fur than was on her body all over me.

 

She died on April 1st. One year after my sister's rat who had lived three times longer than he should have by any means because she kept sooo well care of him died. That was the prior year on April 1st, exactly.. (Named Chewy, as a rip from Star Wars, because he was hairless. Still cute, and also very affectionate) Momma Cat was ambushed by the neighbor's dogs (Two neighbors, same house, room mates. Shared living expense, economy, you know. One bull dog, another half wolf.) and she didn't hear them coming due to her declining senses that age brings on. They played tug of war with her, violently, and tortured my poor girl. I was at school that year, (I don't remember if it was my last year or year before last.) I had an Extended Summer School class that was 2 hours and 45 minutes after school was out. God only knows why I chose that day not to ditch. I wasn't even aware it was April 1st. Needless to say the mentioning of this is due to the fact I had been there at the time.

 

Max, who is my sister's boyfriend who lives with us and is practically a much darker skinned part of the family, woke up not to her screams of pain as it would have been impossible for her to breach the walls with any sound the way those two giants had her, woke up at some point, probably because a dog barked or something, and came outside in front to see this. He threw our porch chairs at the dogs and chased em off. My sister came out, saw what happened, cried and comforted her as much as she could for the final moments of her life, which was either seconds or minutes. She died in my sister's arms, with a gleaming face of love to the very end, thankful that even though she had to go out that way she had gone out in the relative safety of a loved humans arms, and the pain caused was the only pain to endure, and nothing worse could happen further.

 

20 minutes or so later my sister picked me up early from school. I wasn't so worried that she had come early, or that I always took the city bus home, but that she was seemingly nice. I asked what happened, she asked "what makes you think something happened?" I said "Did a family member die?", she said no. I asked "Did Molly (Our chihuahua) die?" She said no. "Buddy?" (Molly's son) "no.", "Binks?" (Stray cat taken in by us. He's such a brat to the other cats, but such a loving creature to us. Very tolerant too. Fat as he is, (Because of an operation that ended his official manhood that was needed to save his life due to illness) he would tolerate you holding him upside down, pur, and then rub against you after you let him go. Momma Cat was the only one that held her own against him and chased him off when he was being a butt. Meikay just meows and runs.)) "no."

 

"Well s**t... How did Momma Cat die?", "How the hell did you know she died?", "Because you're nice, and not answering that nothing died, and the only thing aside from Binks after that is Meikay who can't die because she is the devil and kills dogs with her Aura."

 

Came home, saw my poor little angel lying in a cardboard box with towels as a temporary placement for her body.

 

I had that cat most of my life. They say that when a loved animal you had for a long time dies you are much more distraught than a family member, for the reason that with an animal they love you and trust you regardless of anything, and no matter what they hear they will never judge you. Basically you never have to filter yourself for an animal, and pour unconditional, unfiltered, and complete love into that creature as you watch it grow from cute kitten to majestic adult. I believe in this, but am personally too emotionally numb to know for sure. I have been ever sense my childhood ceased at 2 months old. But that's a different story.

 

It'd been many years since I had cried, let alone shed a single tear that wasn't wrenched from laughing or scorched from onions. I told myself, while looking at the mangled corpse of such a gracefully beautiful animal I had given so much love, that if I didn't at least shed a single tear for her then I was truly dead inside. After many minutes of remembering everything about her, and remembering that I'll never make any new memories about her, I mustered barely that.

 

I've had relatives die, girlfriends I liked dump me, people I trusted betray me, and overall further but personal and to-be unexplained events in life that drive many to cutting or suicide (which the universe decides to make every attempt fail... I am no longer suicidal, and none of my attempts followed any specific event.) pass by me as if nothing had happened. That tear was all I could muster.. One.. single.. tear... For this feline I had loved so much, and known for so long. As far back as my memory goes she isn't too far ahead.

 

We had her cremated as that was the only thing anyone could think of doing. Burying her was not only out of the question but anywhere on our property would be insulting. It cost 130 dollars, and we had called Animal Control on the two dogs.

 

When they [the neighbors] bailed their animals out I went across the street as they unloaded them and looked them both in the eyes with my hands on their faces and gave em a kiss. They are dogs. Cute and sweet dogs, too. I love dogs as much as I love cats, and what can I do? Blame a dog for being a dog? Doing what it's genetic code tells it to? After a few days when we got the bill and the remains delivered to us, or ashes, I had gone over and told them how much it was. I said that since both animals were involved they should split the bill evenly and no one has to pay an entire 130.

 

They throw parties constantly, get wasted constantly, and overall have money to burn. Jake (The half-wolf's owner) was all too eager to pay us his 65 and apologize for his animals escaping, which was entirely their fault as they had escaped many times before and knew exactly where and what to fix to ensure it doesn't happen but never did fix anything. He was at fault, but he was kind and admitted it.

 

I forget the other F****t's name, and don't care to remember. He told me flat out, "I'm not paying you anything, my dog didn't kill your cat". Even after trying to get it into his skull we had witnesses see his dog tear my cat's skin from her body as they tried to rip her in half, he refused to pay. We never got him to pay, and he moved out a few months later. It would cost us more in gas and work time to had gotten the money the legal way than to just let it go.

 

Trust me, I understand how it is to have animals and put yourself in this scenario's situation. A hell of a lot more than you think. I also type really fast and this barely took me 10 minutes even with the memory breaks, and am a brilliant and all around Godly person with an ego the size of an egg and a façade that is unmatched and unparalleled to say otherwise in many aspects, but if you don't see this for what it is, a big joke, and look at it through the view of someone who can think outside the box, then you will grow to be just like me. Cynical, numb, and dead.

 

I highly doubt any of this is true, especially since the person who posted it is known for falsities on satire, (original poster) so worry not. I am quite sure that if someone figured out how to attach a photo to an email she could figure out how to do the same to Paint, or God forbid, Microsoft Word, and take less than 20 seconds literally to make her poster. Very few people who work with computers, and apparently FaceBook, on a regular basis, let alone working for a Graphic Designer, do not know the magic of simplicity. The story is as unrealistically stupid as the fictional woman, and that is what is supposed to make it funny.

 

Look at it through a different, unbiased perspective, and you will fail to overdose on enough pain meds to kill three large people, which still confuses me.... Maybe... I.. AM DEAD! That'd be awesome... Be a Zombie nerd...

 

God.. What I'd give to be the first Juggalo Zombie Nerd.... They could make a movie! Called Big Money Dead Nerd Hustlas! (This is a reference few will get, so do not worry. It is a reference not random, and there is no need for those who do not get it to look further into it.)

 

I wish you well and I wish you peace. Please do not become me.

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

 

I still love you, my sweet little girl.

[slygothmog]

Wow!....I certainly did not expect that kind of response :pinch:

Your words humble me to a degree ranokoa, but I am also witness to loss of loved ones.

 

but if you don't see this for what it is, a big joke, and look at it through the view of someone who can think outside the box, then you will grow to be just like me. Cynical, numb, and dead.

 

I am afraid that has already claimed me to a certain degree....I cannot see the joke, it's beyond my comprehension....I'm English, and have an odd sense of humor, that involves parody, but not were I am reminded of loved ones.

The first cat I had was a stray, she was so small I thought her a kitten. In fact she was full grown, just not been fed properly. She died of feline lukemia after 6 years of looking after her.

She has her own grave, and is buried with her favorite blanket.

I am sorry about your experience ranokoa, but that's life, and I hope you find a cat as wonderful K.C. in the future......I found one, and she gave birth to 4 kittens, and I kept 2 of them.....best thing I ever did :thumbsup: :biggrin:

[Ranokoa]

In that case I give my apologies for my ignorance. I had but a vague understanding to the reasons why you found this so very unappealing. I hope I don't sound too mean, but I am glad that you do have an understanding of loss, as it reassures me you are real, for lack of a better term. I literally just woke up, so my communication skills are as numb as my back. >_< And teeth.. And toes... and if I sit here long enough my butt and neck. (I have to be in bed many more hours than I get for sleep due to insomnia, so my body is used to low blood flow.)

 

Anyways, I guess it comes down to just the fact of sense of humor. My sense of humor is quick sick, maniacal, cynical and all around horrible twisted. I still find clean things to some degree humorous, and have an absolute love for satire. Anyways, you have to admit that LOST rip off was a bit hysterical! I cried at that one laughing!

 

Aside from that, I wish you well and I hope your little ones live long.

 

I still have two cats, two dogs, and a rabbit that I'd rather eat than clean the stink hole makes... He forgot how to make pellets and now only makes toxic waste. I love my dogs, as old as they are I wonder how much longer they have left, but they are basking in the results of their last fit of sickness as we had to keep them inside all day constantly under care, and now, even after that's over, we just got used to having them inside all day.

 

My cat Binks is sweet as hell and just barely escaped death recently from a massive infection of two piercing marks on his shoulderish area that we have no idea what caused, but is better now. Meikay is impervious to death as, again, she is the devil, but I love her too.

 

I wish there would be something that could fill the gap left by those two manglers, but that'll never happen. As with Binks she was one of a kind. I doubt I'll find another siamese like here just as I doubt there'll never be another cat that'll let me hold him upside down, roll him in a ball, put my mouth over his face and ears as much as I can and put a barrage of kisses on his chest and right after pur and give me a lick of love. Very tolerant, and just as Momma Cat, very unique. But, bleh.

 

To others who think this is hilarious... Read it again and laugh again!

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

[Ranokoa]

After reading this with a large break of time between the last time and this time I nearly threw up, passed out from hyperventilation and couldn't stop laughing. Thank god the chat was about cats, I needed that laugh.

[antonkr]

lol I saw it not sure where but saw it before...

Damnit forgat the site where one guy replies ludicrously to craiglist stuff.

[Ranokoa]

If you've seen this elsewhere before and remember where from, I implore you to not mention the website at all. As the yellow text states, the origins are absolutely inappropriate for this forum. More specifically, pertaining to real life gore which may sicken and damage certain persons. Normally I wouldn't state what kind of site, but in hindsight, even with vague descriptions, it may be a requirement to understand the severity of the origins and reasons why not to mention it, rather than just appreciate the hilariousness of it.... dear god.. I kinda wanna read it again.. but... I think I'd vomit my ale before it is metabolized from extreme laughing... Must.. resist... Purge.. I mean urge...

[antonkr]

If you've seen this elsewhere before and remember where from, I implore you to not mention the website at all. As the yellow text states, the origins are absolutely inappropriate for this forum. More specifically, pertaining to real life gore which may sicken and damage certain persons. Normally I wouldn't state what kind of site, but in hindsight, even with vague descriptions, it may be a requirement to understand the severity of the origins and reasons why not to mention it, rather than just appreciate the hilariousness of it.... dear god.. I kinda wanna read it again.. but... I think I'd vomit my ale before it is metabolized from extreme laughing... Must.. resist... Purge.. I mean urge...

Oh sorry I was reading in white theme didn't notice the yellow text at all.

[Halororor]

OK, I read it...............I didn't laugh once.

David is an A**hole, and Shannon should have known better than to keep thinking she was getting help.

I have three cats and If this is true to life then both should be banned from keeping pets, ( gross arrogance on one hand, and gross stupidity on the other ).

 

Oh please. Grow a sense of humor, Mr/Ms Grouchypants. I'd have done the exact same in his position (mine wouldn't have been as funny, because this guy has a wittiness to him that's just amazing). It's really not difficult to make a poster for a missing cat, and asking for help to do that is even more ridiculous than the actual article. Besides, if you've don't like this, maybe it's for the best you never visit his site, because this is tame compared to some of his other stuff.